After. *sigh*

[Callista]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yep. Antibiotic ointment. I know better than to get infected--they'll kick me out of school again. And, anyway, my "style" is a lot of really superficial cuts, so they're not going to be a problem. Probably healed by... eh, this time next week.

what had happened just before?
I'd had my fifth absence from psychology class... the GA told me that I had lost six points off my final grade thanks to absences. I wanted to tell her that I'd had depression and I had been making what amounted to a heroic effort to get to class... that I'd tried my best... but now she seems to want me to just drop the class. And it's my favorite class, too.

what were you thinking and feeling?
Frustration. I wanted, just for once, not to fail everything... maybe even to get A's... and now I was just being told, hey, you've already messed it up; don't even try.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I couldn't stop crying. Or, at least, couldn't stop getting teary-eyed... and I was in public...

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I could have decided not to take that class, once I knew that the prof had a strict three-absences policy with no excuses allowed (not even for things like the flu or a funeral).
I could have tried harder to get to class... maybe on the days that I was just so tired and sick, I could've dragged myself anyway... Maybe the day that my bike got stolen I should've locked it up so it wouldn't have and I would've been there on time... Maybe I should've set more than one alarm clock so I'd be sure to be up on time...

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I hadn't had enough sleep, but only by one and a half hours. It shouldn't have been affecting my reasoning that much--generally I get enough sleep anyway.
I'm temporarily on hormone pills for a female problem... maybe they had something to do with it. I think it might have happened without the hormone pills; but body chemistry being out of whack could easily have decreased my chances of getting through this without having to resort to SI.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try any others at all, after that particular event occurred. I'd been holding off urges for about a week, though, mostly by telling myself I didn't really need SI; and that I had other things to do.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
The usual stuff. "Don't need this now, there are other things I can do until the sadness goes away"... Delay and generally, things will get better eventually.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I won't have to remember; I'm used to dealing with urges that way. Whether I'll decide to use these methods is another story.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm thinking about talking to the people at Academic Assistance. They're already getting me more time on tests--maybe they can arrange a second try on that stupid attendance policy.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I'm in "that emotional place"--feeling like I've tried as hard as I could, but didn't succeed because I'm not capable of trying very hard--nearly every day. Ignoring it seems to be the best policy, for now.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Playing computer games or reading a book, doing some German homework, getting myself a cappuchino (or peppermint tea, if I've had too many calories that day).

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
On top of just adding the final straw to a week of having messed up on everything, my prof decided not to have class that day--giving me a free hour, all of which I used for SI. (No, don't worry: Like I said, I don't cut myself deeply, so I'm fine. It's just a lot of little cuts--same effect as a badly scraped knee.)

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
It was there. I don't have a roommate, so I didn't even have to find a deserted public bathroom. Of course, I'm glad I don't have a roommate--not being able to be alone would drive me nuts--but it does make the occasional SI binge a bit more convenient.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I'd have withdrawn until there was an opportunity.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Increased exponentially. Besides, I'm creative; I can make an opportunity.

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
An event that produces emotions I can't handle. I make my own opportunities, after that. If worst comes to worst, I'll always have fingernails.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
Suicidal. SI is a way to deal with emotions, so I don't have to take that last, final step. Frankly, I'm glad I discovered it, though I wish I didn't need it.

Sooo... what do you folks make of this particular slip-up?

There is a positive side to it: Before this, I did manage five weeks without SI. I do wish I could find some other way to release the pressure when it builds for that long of a time, though.

[Callista]

Oh, and before I go, here's another great distraction:

http://kittenwar.com/

Insane cuteness. I will have to try it next time. Enjoy