after :(

kcubrats · Post by **kcubrats** » Sun Jan 29, 2006 5:32 am

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes i have, theyre not that serious

what had happened just before?
right after nothing that trigged it, i thought of it all day and i finally found the "right" time to do it

what were you thinking and feeling?
i was thinking i needed to do it otherwise i wouldnt be able to sleep or be still all night long...i was feeling anxious, lonely, very depressed

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i waited all day to do it, thinking the 15 minutes game would work but it didnt so i saw i had no chances to escape it so i did it

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
it all started when i was preparing a salad, i grabbed the knife and immediately thought about SIing, i passed it thru my fingertips but reacted and threw it away....i felt an adrenaline rush and couldnt concentrate...i still had to prepare the salad so i did it as fast as i could thinking maybe staying away from knives would help but all day long i was anxious and thinking about it, nothing else, i couldnt find a distraction strong enough to cope with it...i wanted to wait till mom went to bed so i wouldnt be bothered while i was SIing...and so i did....that was last nite's
today's happened too fast...i was craving for a cigarrette but i couldnt smoke so i went to the bathroom and SIed with the broken glasses from last night, which i was supposed to throw away today somewhere else but home so i wouldnt be caught...

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i think not. maybe a cigarrette withdrawal for the second one.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i talked to a friend, told him exactly how things happened and what i wanted to do...for the second one i did pretty much nothing to cope with it

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i dont really know

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
take deep breaths
talking to people

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved, and i dont know what i can do to solve it, maybe deep inside i dont want to solve it, i dont really know

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i am in that emotional place right now. i can recognize it coz of the adrenaline rush, the shaky hands and the lack of concentration

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
try to get a strong distraction (making lists, talking to people)
write about it, draw it
go to sleep

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
i was home alone and not feeling afraid of being caught

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i waited for it

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have found the time anyway

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
prolly increased

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
being alone and feeling brave enough to do it

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
frustrated and anxious

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
i think not in the moment, maybe if i analyze it later i might

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
now i can tell i was feeling empty and needy for an adrenaline rush

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
bringing back good memories, getting busy with something else

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no

If No - What coping skills got me through?
none...i relapsed

Why do I think they worked?
they didnt work

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
centering where i am, what i can do about it and trying to look on the bright side a lil bit more

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Sun Jan 29, 2006 3:45 pm

Hi kcubrats.

Sorry things have been so tough.

It sounds like your urges get stronger as time passes.
How long after you get an urge do you begin to use your healthy coping skills? How often do you stop and think about how you are feeling?

Sometimes noticing urges sooner and taking healthy actions to keep yourself safe makes it easier to deal with rather than waiting until the urge is all consuming.

What other ways can you deal with found opportunities to SI?

kcubrats · Post by **kcubrats** » Mon Jan 30, 2006 5:52 am

hi...thanks for replying....

How long after you get an urge do you begin to use your healthy coping skills?
right away

How often do you stop and think about how you are feeling?
i try hard quite often but usually cant concentrate on anything but the urge to SI

What other ways can you deal with found opportunities to SI?
i dont know...i've tried the 15 min game but didnt work...

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 3:52 am

That sounds really difficult. It is good that you've been trying to use the healthy coping skills at the outset.

Do you think that if you "catch" the urge soon enough, you can deal with it?

I'm not sure if that would help, though. Keep fighting it though.

Hopefully it will get easier.

Keep posting here, and feel free to PM.

I'm more than willing to read what you've written, listen, help you brainstorm...whatever you'd like.

Take care of yourself.

b

kcubrats · Post by **kcubrats** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 5:38 am

thanks for everything...it feels so good to know you're not alone...

i think that, no matter how soon i catch the urge, if i'm determined to SI from the beginning, nothing would stop me...i mean, last time i SIed the urged appeared by 1pm....and i SIed about 12 hours ago....so the urge didnt go away during all day....

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:04 am

So maybe preventing urges is a better approach for you?

Do you know what your triggers are? Perhaps you can deal directly with the situations/things that causes you to have SI urges? Maybe preventing urges is the best way for you to move away from SI.

kcubrats · Post by **kcubrats** » Wed Feb 01, 2006 5:13 am

yeah, preventing urges is a key point to beat SI...the problem is i havent found out what triggers it, because when less expected, i'm dealing with an urge and can't concentrate enough to realize what triggered it seconds ago...

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Wed Feb 01, 2006 6:22 am

Do you keep a mood diary? Or a diary in general? Sometimes that can help you figure out what was going on at the time. There are some mood diary forms online that you can use or you can create your own.

kcubrats · Post by **kcubrats** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 5:59 am

i have a diary, but it's more like an abstract drawing/writing notebook, not exactly a diary per se coz i dont write on it daily.... and i have a blog too but dont post every day....it's an extension of the black notebook i call "diary"

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