Disgusted With Myself

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Wed Jan 18, 2006 3:42 am

*I sent this to the bus mailing list, and I didn't get much of a response, so I figured I'd post it here.

I'm so disgusted with myself (I don't hate myself, mind you). I just
looked at a bunch of pictures on a pro-SI site. *shakes head* Right now I
just feel stupid for doing it, for triggering myself. Funny thing is,
it didn't really trigger me. I wanted to SI before that. The reason is a
stupid one too, another reason why I'm disgusted with myself. I
can/could just imagine the person who I used to talk to (about a month ago,
for a few weeks) about my SI seeing it, and wanting to talk to me again.
That's why I want to do it. So she'll say something to me about it, so
that she'll mention that we could talk about it. I hate it. I'm not
sure how to handle it, since she's the one who sort of backed off w/
talking to me, I don't want to just openly say something and force the
issue. Ugh... Any advice is welcome, and support or understanding is
appreciated.

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Wed Jan 18, 2006 5:27 am

In some ways, it sounds like what you are really missing is not so much the SI, but the connection to someone else. And right now SI looks like a way to ask, or even demand, some attention.
How can you get what you need without using SI? Can you reach out to her or someone else without needing to use SI?
I also wonder if you are comfortable with the idea of wanting support from others...it seems almost as if it upset you to want that connection so badly, so you went looking for other things that would support your negative view of yourself?
All that is just my random thoughts and guesses. But I hope whatever is going on that you are able to take care of yourself and find healthy ways to meet your needs.

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Wed Jan 18, 2006 1:02 pm

NobodyToYou, I'm really not comfortable feeling like I need support from others. I've always been very independent, and depending on someone else for anything just seems like a good way to get hurt, but the person I was talking to realized that, and it's not as bad as it was.

NobodyToYou · Post by **NobodyToYou** » Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:27 am

Glad things got a bit easier for you.
What did you learn through this that might help next time you feel that way? Anything that might help someone else in a similar situation?

Disgusted With Myself

Disgusted With Myself

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