After- opportunities questions

[NobodyToYou]

*What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I don't know. I suspect there were feelings involved, because that is often what makes some situations more triggering than others. However, I cannot identify any of them and I have no external cues to work from either...I wasn't fidgeting or frowning or crying. I was tense...my shoulders were, at least.
I knew the opportunity was more appealing because I was alone. If I hadn't been alone I wouldn't have done it, although I still would have wanted to.

*Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
It was already there. I guess. I made the actions happen, but there was nothing to prevent it or discourage it.

*What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
Probably done nothing and pretended the urge didn't exist. Would have watched tv and gone to bed. Which is what I did anyway...just did a few other things too.

*If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Probably would have stayed fairly stable...just repeat the same situation the next day. But I don't know, because I don't know why I was having urges anyway.

*What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Have to be alone and have tools available. I generally avoid SIing in public places, so I need a feeling of privacy. Public restroom is fine...need to be able to lock the door, I think.

*If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
If I knew all opportunities would be taken away, forever? I would feel horrible, desperate, and really trapped. I know I can cope for several days without an opportunity, but forever? Nope. Probably couldn't cope. Getting upset thinking about it.

[LBC]

So is the presence/absence of opportunity the deciding factor about whether or not you will SI, when you feel urgy?

Or is just opportunity itself enough right now to *bring on* an urge?

(I'm just trying to clarify, for me why, you've focussed so closely on opportunity).

I think it's an important thing to address either way...because it seems like you know for sure that being alone contributes to your desire to SI (whether you're already feeling urgy at that point or not).

So, what is it about being alone that makes you want to SI? You say that you can't identify any emotions, and that's fair enough...that's hard for a lot of us...is that something that you can work on with a therapist?

Even identifying what you're *not* feeling in those moments is identifying how you're feeling, in a way...are you able to say, "I'm *not* happy" or "I *don't* feel safe" or "I wish someone was here to talk to"...those things sound vague, but it's still a start.

Try making the most comprehensive list of emotions you can, to help you identify what you're feeling when you don't feel like you can do it on your own.

Just some suggestions.

[NobodyToYou]

Just now getting around to answering the questions you asked...sorry it took so long, but I was not feeling very stable for a while.

*So is the presence/absence of opportunity the deciding factor about whether or not you will SI, when you feel urgy?
Sort of. If I don't have the opportunity, then no matter how urgy I am, it is difficult to act. I will usually do smaller things if there are people around, like chewing on my tongue or scratching my arm. "Real" SI only happens when I have the opportunity, although sometimes I make it purposely.

*Or is just opportunity itself enough right now to *bring on* an urge?
Normally, no. However, that day, it seemed to. I am thinking there was probably a lot of stress anyway, and just thinking about SI and the possiblity of it brought on the urges.

*I'm just trying to clarify, for me why, you've focussed so closely on opportunity
Because I have never seen these questions before and I thought I might learn something new. Plus they aren't just focused on feelings, which I couldn't identify that day.

*So, what is it about being alone that makes you want to SI?
I don't know. I think part of it is that I can hide my SIing, which I am very much ashamed of. I think my old T would probably say something about me needing connection to other people, but I don't like that, so I probably wouldn't say it. And I don't know if it is true or not.

*You say that you can't identify any emotions, and that's fair enough...that's hard for a lot of us...is that something that you can work on with a therapist?
Don't have one right now. Have to wait for benefits before I can afford one, and then I have to try to find someone who can work with my odd schedule. But I used to have a T and we worked on that a bit...I think I am losing ground now, though. I used to be much better at identifying feelings than I am now. I am trying to work on it, but I haven't done very well. Most of the time I just feel blank.