Post
by Aly » Tue Dec 13, 2005 6:11 pm
Tim -- I know I sound like a bitch, and indecisive....I know I sound selfish...but....honey...I just, whenever I see you, I kick myself for ever dumping you in the first place. And then I kick myself even harder for saying "no" not that long ago....I just....it's not just an 'it's winter and I need someone, anyone" it really is, truthfully 'it's anytime and I need you'. And...Im scared that I cant have you...
Yesterday, you were just....you were lovely. It was such a tough day, but you really did make it better, you were so adorable, and...Man, it made me cry more because, you were being so lovely when you didnt have to be. And...oh honey, I miss you. I do. Everything with you just felt right. Just....I regret so much for breaking up with you because of *****. When I knew nothing could happen. Within like, a few weeks I regretted doing it. ***** was (is?) a twat...and had fun leading me on....
But....honey, I only did it because I didnt want to be unfair on you...
And then, at the panto...like...it felt so right, and everything. But I couldn’t get Ehren out of my head. Like, I was infatuated with him. And then that all went wrong, but that’s not the point. The point is, I said no because...it didnt feel fair to you...honey, I have never wanted to hurt you, and yet, I know I have. Twice....And thats why I think that you wont give me another chance....
I’m not sure I want you to know...Honey, Im scared that...maybe you have listened to what Ive said and just want to be my friend now...and, I did want that for so long. Actually, no, I didnt, you annoyed me for ages, because you tried to annoy me, like...you made that your purpose...and now you're not....well, when you first stopped I was like, yes, we can be friends now....but then, you stopped, and I remembered why I went out with you in the first place, and why I kissed you...because...when you're not trying to irritate me, you're lovely and sweet and wonderful....
I remember, when we were going out in the summer....how, you'd put your hands on my waist underneath my blazer, or how you'd come up behind me, and hug me and kiss my head. How you’d kiss me, and how right it felt. How you'd put your arms around me and then walk along. I remember how Id put my hands up your sleeves because...I love your arms...and...oh, you were just always so lovely, coming to see me and stuff...and....I miss it. I miss it all. I miss doing all that stuff. I miss talking to you properly, and spending loads of time with you...
I wear that necklace you brought me all the time, and, I always play with it, and it reminds me of you, and how you used to be. And how you called me on my birthday from that concert and the medics to sang happy birthday....I just.....oh honey, I want it back....because...I just...with you honey, I did feel safe, and secure. And I didnt feel the need to be fake around you. I felt like I could be the real me, and, I didnt need to put on a happy face, because....you made me happy. And now, after yesterday, I know that you'd be there even if I wasnt happy...and that....it would help. It really honestly would...
I dont know if Id tell you about my si straight away. I dont know if I ever would bring it up. But...if it became an issue again, I just....I feel like I could tell you if I wanted. And obviously, if we went out again and it became an issue, then you would know...but...I just get the impression that you wouldnt freak out....like....oh I dont know baby, I just....I miss you, and I really do want you back...and...I hate that, I probably cant have you back....
~~~~~~
My favourite memory of us together is on Sports day in July...
It was such a lovely day, really warm and stuff...and at the beginning I was sitting with my tutor group....but then that got boring and the sun was getting too hot (I was scared I was gunna burn! lol) so a whole group of us moved to under a big tree on the edge of our school field. And you came over and joined us....And it was lovely. Like we were sitting (Well, I was lying) in a big group of people, but we were just talking to each other. I was flat on the ground, and you were kinda leant back on one arm, kind of stretched out, and you kept leaning over to kiss me and....**happy sigh** it was so lovely....And then it started raining like, at the beginning of last period. Like, really chucking it down. So we all ran to the cover we could find. And then, we were gunna bunk off last lesson, but...Miss May came out and told me I had to go into the lesson...and you and I were soaking, and you was just holding me while my teacher was telling me I had to go to lessons, and then ahh, it was lovely. You was so sweet...ahh man, I miss that so much. That day was like, perfect....and....**sigh** like I said, that is my favourite memory of us together...apart from maybe on my birthday when you were at a concert. But you called me (whilst I was still in bed I may add! lol) and I called you back a little later, and when you answered and you were in the medic tent, and you wished me happy birthday, and then all the medics started singing happy birthday. And I spent ages talking to you on the phone! It was lovely. And then on the monday, when I saw you in the morning with a load of my friends. And I went to leave with them, but you grabbed my hand, and gave me my birthday present...and it's gorgeous.
Jeez, I miss you so much. I really do...I dont know, I might just tell you, what have I really got to lose?...I just....I want that all back. You’re so lovely, and...I really do miss you and....**sigh**
~~~~~~~
I’m sorry baby, for everything. I am…I wish I could take it all back. Take back breaking up with you…
The wind and I, we speak the same, but he don’t hear so well.
Well, you’re gonna have to curse him, well you’re gonna have to yell.
The sky and I, we’ve had our fights and I’m coming round to rain,
Well, if the rain come round and it don’t come out, then I’ll never have to speak again,
I can tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
If Heaven is as Heaven does then this is Hell for sure...