How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself? It won't change a single thing about the situation. The feeling? Well, there's the issue. My feelings are so all over the place, I can barely tell who I am. Cutting is the one thing I can do where I know who I am. I know all about it. My feelings would come right into line. They'd know right where to go.
What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation? Cutting would bring clarity. Except that the "clarity" would be skewed. It would sharpen my senses so I could feel something. But would I be able to identify what I feel? Would it distill my feelings into something I could handle? I'm so overwhelmed right now. Also, cutting would bring punishment -- not to me but to the person I'm having difficulty with. Except that I know it wouldn't. Really she doesn't care if I hurt myself. But it all goes back to long ago, as a child when I cut, I imagined someone cared. And I don't like the idea of "punishement". I just hurt so much right now.
The only thing cutting would take away is not from the situation per se, but from me. I hate it. I love it. I wish I had never started doing this. But I know it brings me relief. But that relief is so damned short-lived and the evidence is so long-lasting. so where does that leave me? Between a rock and a hard spot, neither of which I wan to use on myself.
How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? Well, I'd like to feel like an adult, like I can handle this situation. IDK
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I need to get back to this. Just the distractin of writing has dissipated the "need" to cut. I should jsut role into bed. No need to respond.
Okie
