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namaste · Post by **namaste** » Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:30 pm

Hello

I've been in this position before.

The urge to si, for no particular reason that I can see, is creeping up on me again. It starts with just thoughts, then the feeligns come back, the feligns on my skin, then I start seeing the results in my had, then I start thinking about it all the time - even when I am working and in the middle of teaching the hcildren, suddenly the images will come into my mind and I'll have to fight them. I do fight, for weeks sometimes, but it always ends up the same way, with me hurting myself.

I think I do knwo what has triggered it - I'm due to see my pysch next week. We get on very well and I trust him but I find the visits stressful. This illness is a BAD thing in my life nad has a lot of negative consequences. Most of the time, other than taking my tablets, I can oush it to one side and pretend it is not happening, but sometimes I can't do that and one of those times is when I have to see Dr W. He asks me the questions I don't want to answer and makes me think about htings I dont' want to think about and I can't pretend that everything is alright - it jsut gets pushed bakc into my face that it isnt'. Last time I went i ended up in tears and cried all the way shome (i was driving!) and for most of the evening. I was just so upset.I think I was hoping he woudl say that things woudl be fine, but he didn't, jsut reiterated what we talked about in the summer, that the depressive illnesss is probably here to stay and that meds are here to stay and there's nothing much I can do about it.

Trigs

I am craving hte feeling on my skin, the hurt and the look of the blood. Snapping elastic bands doesn't do anything for me, neither does ice. I have drawn on myslef in red pen, that does help, but then I have to scrub it off which hurts...........

End trigs

I think I also want to feel looked after. My best friend at school is moving away to a remote Scottish island. I am SO going to miss her (there is a hge age gap but we get on so well together). I dont' really have anyone on the staff I can talk to like her.

I was told on Satruday I was like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh - brave even when I dont' feel like being brave. Well I dont' feel very brave right now.

any ideas? Thoughts?

Jane

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Tue Nov 29, 2005 5:10 am

hi Jane.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now.

when you tried the ice, did you try sticking your face in a bowl of ice water? Sometimes that effect is stronger.

I have a friend who suggested that when I have intrusive thoughts and feelings, I close my eyes and let the feeling wash over me. Acknowledge that it is there, but recognize that it is just a feeling. Try not to fight it so much as release it. Visualize the feeling flowing through you.

I would suggest that if you do this, you put yourself in a physically safe place.

is there anyone who can keep you company right now and in the next few days? Have you been doing nice, relaxing things? It is hard to be brave all the time. Babying yourself is a good thing in my opinion---take a relaxing bath, read a book, listen to calming music, burn scented candles, put on fuzzy socks, drink some hot tea... anything that will put you at ease.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Take care of yourself, Jane.

I'll be thinking of you.

namaste · Post by **namaste** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 12:02 am

Hello

thanks for the reply. I've not si-dtpday which is another victory. I've been really busy. anyhow, if I want pain all I have to do is trun my head at the moment and...ouch!

Will try to be good to myslef. tomorrow night is a night off. Early night and my favouirte programe

Jane

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:16 am

I'm glad you are going to have a night off.

I hope your neck and shoulder feel better.

Well done resisting urges today.

namaste · Post by **namaste** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:16 pm

Hello

felt quite urgy today but have resisted so far.

Have been to an osteopath for my neck - fun!??

Jane

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:45 pm

Good job resisting.

how did things go at the osteopaths?

namaste · Post by **namaste** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 8:37 pm

Painful.

I made a mistake today. i want to cut myself to punish myself for it.

Jane

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 10:16 pm

Please reconsider.

no mistake is worth putting yourself through pain. Everyone makes mistakes--cutting doesn't change that. it doesn't even fix the situation. (the way I see it, you wouldn't punish someone else that way, and you deserve the same respect.)

what feelings are you experiencing surrounding this mistake (guilt, embarrassement, etc). What other constructive ways can you release these feelings?

*sends warm thoughts*

b

Callista · Post by **Callista** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:27 pm

Yipe! Sounds stressful.

Any distractions that help? Try those...

namaste · Post by **namaste** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 12:37 am

Hello

am still feelign really urgy. am tryign distractions in spades but the thoughts are permanently back in my head nad my arm is "buzzing" where it wants to be cut. the only way I know out of this situation - intrusive thoughts, etc - is to cut and get it over with. Then I know I will get some peace back in my head.

I still make more mistakes. Why do I never learn. I hate myslf for them and I hate being me. I NEED to punish myself then I might learn not to be so annoying and needy and attention seekign all the time.

Jane

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:56 am

You don't need to punish yourself. You don't deserve punishment.

you are not annoying. I wouldn't call you 'attention-seeking' either. The term has too many negative connotations. You want attention, like everyone. I think it is a normal human need.

I am sorry about the instrusive thoughts. Have you tried any art projects? Stretching?

keep at it Jane. There is a chance you will find something that will give you even a little relief.

Take care.

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