Before

[~Chameleon~]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I'm overwhelmed and the thoughts keep coming at me to cut or OD.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I keep being here again and again. Sometimes I give in, sometimes I wait a bit.... and then usually give in.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've mostly tried distracting techniques. I could do some kind of calming things, but I can't seem to settle. I could call some friends and just talk through things, but I don't want to burden them or scare them.


How do I feel right now?

Feel very urgy. Want to cut. Want to go away. Want to OD. Feel very overwhelmed. Too many thoughts running in my head. The urges won't get out, they just stay with me all the time. They won't leave me alone. It feels like the only thing I can do is give in to them.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

If I cut, relief, an easement of the thoughts, less overwhelmed. If I OD, I won't feel anything. I'll get to go away.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Either way about it, I'll feel guilty. If I'm not careful and I OD, I might not have a tomorrow to wake up to. The thoughts will eventually just build back up, making me feel like this all over again...


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I don't see how. If I did, I'd be doing it.


Do I need to hurt myself?

Do I ever really NEED to hurt myself, hell if I know. I know I give in. I know that I'm going crazy here. I know that this didn't help a damn bit and I still have the urges. I'm off to try to distract myself and try to keep myself from doing anything stupid.

[~Chameleon~]

Juri, first off, thanks for responding.

I'll try to answer your questions, they're good for me to be thinking about.

what makes you give in? is it the time? or is it because the feelings are so intense that they are inescapable. can you identify some situational triggers or emotional triggers that get you to this point?

I think I give in mainly because I get tired of fighting, I'm overwhelmed, and I can't or don't reach out to my support system. Whenever I feel really overwhelmed, I tend to resort to a "bad" method of coping like si or drinking... or a combination thereof. I'm really stressed out right now about there being 12 school days left to get everything done that needs to be finished, and being so snowballed under that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just so you know, as soon as my kids went to bed, I took my regular medication... no extra... and then called a friend of mine. She could tell something was wrong and she had me stay on the phone with her until my sleeping medicine started kicking in. I then got on the computer, called a busser friend of mine until I was too tired to stay awake any longer.

Sorry I was a concern to you. I was a concern to myself. I'm still concerning myself, but I don't know what to do about it. *shrugs* I go see my counselor tomorrow. I don't really want to go into the hospital. I'm trying to avoid that at all cost. I've never been in, and I never want to have to go there. I just don't know what I can do to keep myself safe other than what I've been doing. Any suggestions?

Take care,
~C~