After - feedback wanted and appreciated

[Neats]

I'm having so much trouble trying to figure out what's going on here and what I can do about. Usually I'm pretty insightful and can figure out what's what on my own, but this time I could really, really use replies because I don't know where all this is coming from and maybe people's questions or thoughts could help me figure out where to look. I don't know.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Done

• what had happened just before?

I ate dinner, I talked to friends from #bus. Everybody was preoccupied with other things, I think. Other people needed attention that I couldn't give at the moment, and I needed attention that they couldn't give.

• what were you thinking and feeling?

I was feeling very overwhelmed. I've been really stressed lately with school, and confused about my relationships with various people and where the line is between friend and acquaintance. All day I kept feeling like I was on the verge of tears. The night before last I had to leave my room at 4am and go sit in the living room for a while because I knew if I stayed I would end up hurting myself badly. I keep thinking that I'm damaged goods, that no one would want me if they knew how messed up I am and what's been done to me. I've had images from nightmares in my head and they're really disturbing and violent and gory, and intruding on my thoughts when I'm awake. I've also had what I think are mild hallucinations about SI. I've been feeling not exactly worthless, but more like unworthy, and very scared of interacting with other people. I kept feeling like I was really damaged and stained and like I had to find some way to shed my skin like a snake to get down to the new, clean skin underneath.

• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I made a conscious decision that I was going to SI before I did it, rather than continue waiting and do it impulsively and probably more severely than I did. I think the real final straw was the images in my head. They've been really vivid for the past few days, but now that I've SIed they're faded. I chose to do it when I did rather than doing it before because this way I had a lot more control over it than I would have had I done it earlier when I was feeling more volatile.

• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I really don't know. The trigger wasn't an event or series of events, but just the general pressure of normal stuff kind of blown out of proportion and the images in my head. The only thing I can think of that would maybe have made things better would have been to give up on NaNoWriMo sooner and take that pressure off. I did end up giving up because I know, even if I'm capable of finishing it, it wouldn't be healthy to keep going right now with the way I'm feeling. Maybe it would have helped to realize that sooner, but then again maybe it wouldn't have made enough difference.

• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I've been sick with a fever for the last few days, which may have had an impact on my dreams and possibly on the hallucinations, though I get both without fever anyway. I probably should have been taking more care to control the fever, though it's pretty mild. I was kind of afraid that if I took anything for it I would OD.

• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I tried to distract myself all weekend by playing an RPG, but it only helped while I was playing and I couldn't play constantly. I talked with Chocoboko a little, but it didn't help much because I couldn't think of any specific emotional problem in my life that I could work through to make things better, just the images and the physical urges. I talked with my brother about stupid stuff and showed off my artwork to my family to get some positive attention but I didn't feel any different. I did sit-ups, which lessened the physical urge a little but didn't help with the images. I listened to a lot of music which helped me to focus some.

• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

The only thing I can think of that may have helped would have been to take more showers or something. Again, I think that might have helped with the physical urges but probably not the images.

• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Um...I really don't know of anything that would remind me to try taking extra showers. Just make a mental note, I guess.

• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

It's definitely not resolved. I guess...I could try to research methods of dealing with intrusive thoughts and nightmares. The problem is that I haven't been able to figure out what's triggering these nightmares. I think maybe I should open up to my family about how much trouble I'm having now. They don't know any of this stuff that's going on in my head, because I haven't wanted to worry them by telling them. There's no money or insurance or anything to send me to a pdoc, which seems like it would be the logical thing to do under the circumstances. I don't want my family to think I'm crazy, though. I don't want to disappoint my dad by being even crazier than Mom. I don't want to give him yet another problem that he can't solve.

• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I'm starting to come out of the calm I got from SIing, and it feels like I'm already starting towards that same place again. It's a pretty distinct feeling, not exactly hard to recognize. I've been trying so hard to keep it from getting this far, but I don't really know how.

• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I think I'm going to try drawing or painting and see if that helps. I'll try more exercising and showers. I'll look up (or post and ask) about dealing with intrusive thoughts and use whatever ideas I can get from that. Before it gets that bad again, I'm going to try to talk to my brother and tell him what's going on. I feel safer telling him than our parents.

[Chocoboko]

*snuggles Neatsy*

I'm sorry about your nightmares. I can't think of anything that'd relieve them other than feeling relaxed and safe while going to sleep.

I'm sorry I haven't been helpful. I have moments where I feel so disconnected and I just have a hard time empathizing. But I am replying to let you know I read and that I care about you.

[tattybluetrees]

• what had happened just before?

I ate dinner, I talked to friends from #bus. Everybody was preoccupied with other things, I think. Other people needed attention that I couldn't give at the moment, and I needed attention that they couldn't give.

Were either of these things a factor? Did you feel angry that you weren't getting the support you needed, or guilty that yoou couldn't provide that support to other people? Could there have been a way for you to gett your needs across more forcefully?

• what were you thinking and feeling?

I was feeling very overwhelmed. I've been really stressed lately with school, and confused about my relationships with various people and where the line is between friend and acquaintance. All day I kept feeling like I was on the verge of tears. The night before last I had to leave my room at 4am and go sit in the living room for a while because I knew if I stayed I would end up hurting myself badly. I keep thinking that I'm damaged goods, that no one would want me if they knew how messed up I am and what's been done to me. I've had images from nightmares in my head and they're really disturbing and violent and gory, and intruding on my thoughts when I'm awake. I've also had what I think are mild hallucinations about SI. I've been feeling not exactly worthless, but more like unworthy, and very scared of interacting with other people. I kept feeling like I was really damaged and stained and like I had to find some way to shed my skin like a snake to get down to the new, clean skin underneath.

This sounds pretty awful and hard to deal with. It alsoo soundslike there is a lot going on. Might it help to seperate some of the bits out, maybe? Then you know exactly what you have to deal with, rather than feeling overwhelmed by so much aat once. Perhaps making a list. Juust from what you've written it loooks like you are about whether anyone will ever want to get close to you (feeling like you're "damaged goods"- I'd like to tell you that you aren't but I know that probably wont mean much to you. People aren't like that though- people are themselves), feeling like you aren't worth anything (are these two different things? It seems to me that they might be, but ignore me if that doesn't make sense), trying hard to deal with very graphic intrusive thouights....

Maybe if you can seperate out the seperate strands you could find strategies which would work for coping with or decreasingg each one- because each might need different copingg strategies.

I chose to do it when I did rather than doing it before because this way I had a lot more control over it than I would have had I done it earlier when I was feeling more volatile.

I cann completely understand this. Sometimes delaying tactics just don't work. So maybe in trying to cope youu should think of strategies which will help decrease the feelings rather than just delay the action? I know that's about, oooh, a million times easier said than done, but... I don't know. Sometimes I find that just thinking "ah yes, this is what I need to try and do" makes me feel a biit more in control.

I did end up giving up because I know, even if I'm capable of finishing it, it wouldn't be healthy to keep going right now with the way I'm feeling. Maybe it would have helped to realize that sooner, but then again maybe it wouldn't have made enough difference.

It sounds like you made a really good decision there and you should give yourself some credit for it rather than worrying about whether you should have made it sooner. You did make it, and you made it in order to make things easier on yourself, and that's a big thing to do.

• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I've been sick with a fever for the last few days, which may have had an impact on my dreams and possibly on the hallucinations, though I get both without fever anyway. I probably should have been taking more care to control the fever, though it's pretty mild. I was kind of afraid that if I took anything for it I would OD.

Even if the fever wasn't directly responsible, might it have made things worse? I always find it harder to cope witthmyself and just, you know,, being a live and stuff, when I'm ill. I can understand the fear of OD- I know it's a really mumsie thing to ask but did you do all the sensible stuff like drinking lots of water and keeping warm?

Could you have taken some time off to get over the fever?

I did sit-ups, which lessened the physical urge a little but didn't help with the images.

It sounds like you triied really hard, for which all respect due. With the images is there anything you can do or think of that might help with them directly? I don't know if there is anything specifically on coping about this. I sometimes find writing lists and lists of the most graphic words I can, writing down what I'mm seeing and thinking, helps a bit- just to get images out of my head.

I read the rest of your post but don't think I can say much really, other than that it soundslike you are having a really tough time. I'm glad you cann at least talk to your brother, and I'm sorry that you aren't really getting the help that you need in terms of medical stuff and also family support. Doing a bit of research sounds like a really posiitive thing- at least it would be doing something.

I know it sounds really fatuous, but don't forget that you are coping. Not in a good way, perhaps, or a way you want, but while you try and find ways of replacing the bad coping methods don't lose sight of how strong you are just to be coping at all. Don't be too hard on yourself, I guess.

Take care.

Tatty

[NobodyToYou]

I don't know if this would really help you or not, but I was struck by how much of a pattern I saw in your responses that I don't think you noticed. So I will now point it out.

Other people needed attention that I couldn't give at the moment, and I needed attention that they couldn't give.

I've been really stressed lately with school, and confused about my relationships with various people and where the line is between friend and acquaintance

I keep thinking that I'm damaged goods, that no one would want me if they knew how messed up I am and what's been done to me

very scared of interacting with other people

So it seems to me...relationships with others might be playing a big part in this. Not sure if they are the problem or the solution or both. I also noticed this...

I talked with Chocoboko a little, but it didn't help much because I couldn't think of any specific emotional problem in my life that I could work through to make things better, just the images and the physical urges. I talked with my brother about stupid stuff and showed off my artwork to my family to get some positive attention but I didn't feel any different.

You tried to reach out to others, but didn't get what you needed. In talking to Chocoboko, was it helpful to talk even if you couldn't "work through" anything? With your family, would it have helped more to have them know what is going on and be compassionate, rather than just giving attention? I think those efforts were probably very good things, but it sounds like they didn't quite get you what you needed.

This concerns me a bit...

think maybe I should open up to my family about how much trouble I'm having now. They don't know any of this stuff that's going on in my head, because I haven't wanted to worry them by telling them. There's no money or insurance or anything to send me to a pdoc, which seems like it would be the logical thing to do under the circumstances. I don't want my family to think I'm crazy, though. I don't want to disappoint my dad by being even crazier than Mom. I don't want to give him yet another problem that he can't solve.

I can understand wanting to protect your family. But keep in mind that eventually they will figure out something is wrong, and it would be a lot easier for them to deal with it before it comes with a huge injury than in the emergency afterwards. I don't think you are crazy. I do think you are under a lot of pressure and your brain is playing tricks on you. Not very nice of it.
I don't know if this helps at all...I wouldn't want you to talk more than you think is wise or to people you aren't sure could handle it. But I did notice the problems in interacting with others, and I wonder if some good supportive interactions might help you release some of the internal pressure.

[Neats]

*snuggles Neatsy*

I'm sorry about your nightmares. I can't think of anything that'd relieve them other than feeling relaxed and safe while going to sleep.

I'm sorry I haven't been helpful. I have moments where I feel so disconnected and I just have a hard time empathizing. But I am replying to let you know I read and that I care about you.

*snuggles*

Thanks for replying, John. It's not your fault that talking to you didn't help. I'm pretty sure the stuff I was trying to deal with wouldn't have been helped much by talking. You have to take care of yourself too, anyway.

*****

• what had happened just before?

I ate dinner, I talked to friends from #bus. Everybody was preoccupied with other things, I think. Other people needed attention that I couldn't give at the moment, and I needed attention that they couldn't give.

Were either of these things a factor? Did you feel angry that you weren't getting the support you needed, or guilty that yoou couldn't provide that support to other people? Could there have been a way for you to gett your needs across more forcefully?

I don't think so, for the most part. I don't think talking to someone, at least not over the internet, would have helped. Part of the reason they couldn't give the attention I needed was that the kind of attention I needed would have to have been face to face. But I do need to learn how to ask to talk to someone when that's what I need. I have a lot of trouble with that, especially if other people are talking about their problems. It seems, most of the time, that what other people need is more important and more urgent than what I need.

This sounds pretty awful and hard to deal with. It alsoo soundslike there is a lot going on. Might it help to seperate some of the bits out, maybe? Then you know exactly what you have to deal with, rather than feeling overwhelmed by so much aat once. Perhaps making a list. Juust from what you've written it loooks like you are about whether anyone will ever want to get close to you (feeling like you're "damaged goods"- I'd like to tell you that you aren't but I know that probably wont mean much to you. People aren't like that though- people are themselves), feeling like you aren't worth anything (are these two different things? It seems to me that they might be, but ignore me if that doesn't make sense), trying hard to deal with very graphic intrusive thouights....

Maybe if you can seperate out the seperate strands you could find strategies which would work for coping with or decreasingg each one- because each might need different copingg strategies.

Why I said that I feel unworthy rather than worthless is that I know I do have some value, but not enough to be worth imposing on other people. But the unworthiness is, in part, tied into the feeling that I'm damaged goods.

Separating the different factors is a good idea. I have done some thinking about what kind of coping strategies help for particular triggers/thoughts/feelings. What I look for and get out of SI often depends on what the motivation is, and sometimes the kind of SI that I want to do is tied into what kind of coping strategy works best. I've only dealt with graphic mental images like this once, before I started SIing consciously, and I didn't handle it well then either. I guess I have to learn what helps for it, but in the meantime make sure I deal with the other things going on separately.

I cann completely understand this. Sometimes delaying tactics just don't work. So maybe in trying to cope youu should think of strategies which will help decrease the feelings rather than just delay the action? I know that's about, oooh, a million times easier said than done, but... I don't know. Sometimes I find that just thinking "ah yes, this is what I need to try and do" makes me feel a biit more in control.

Yeah, easier said than done...but definitely worth working on.

It sounds like you made a really good decision there and you should give yourself some credit for it rather than worrying about whether you should have made it sooner. You did make it, and you made it in order to make things easier on yourself, and that's a big thing to do.

I think the thing that's bothering me about this is that not making the decision earlier brought the pressure up to a point where it feels almost like I was forced to make this decision rather than having control over it. I feel a little bad (guilty? frustrated?) that my head problems got in the way of doing something I looked forward to for a year, especially since last year I thought I was in a worse place mentally yet doing NaNoWriMo actually helped me figure some things out and this year when I'm supposed to be a lot better than I was then I can't handle it.

Even if the fever wasn't directly responsible, might it have made things worse? I always find it harder to cope witthmyself and just, you know,, being a live and stuff, when I'm ill. I can understand the fear of OD- I know it's a really mumsie thing to ask but did you do all the sensible stuff like drinking lots of water and keeping warm?

Could you have taken some time off to get over the fever?

Yeah, I bundled up and drank lots. The fever started right at the beginning of my weekend (Thursday evening), and I skipped church, but couldn't afford to miss my Monday class. I've still got a bit of a fever off and on, but only one more class to go before Thanksgiving weekend and I can really get over it.

It sounds like you triied really hard, for which all respect due. With the images is there anything you can do or think of that might help with them directly? I don't know if there is anything specifically on coping about this. I sometimes find writing lists and lists of the most graphic words I can, writing down what I'mm seeing and thinking, helps a bit- just to get images out of my head.

I read the rest of your post but don't think I can say much really, other than that it soundslike you are having a really tough time. I'm glad you cann at least talk to your brother, and I'm sorry that you aren't really getting the help that you need in terms of medical stuff and also family support. Doing a bit of research sounds like a really posiitive thing- at least it would be doing something.

I'll try writing down what I'm seeing, and maybe that'll help. And I'll keep looking for other ideas.

I know it sounds really fatuous, but don't forget that you are coping. Not in a good way, perhaps, or a way you want, but while you try and find ways of replacing the bad coping methods don't lose sight of how strong you are just to be coping at all. Don't be too hard on yourself, I guess.

Take care.

Tatty

Thank you.

*****

I don't know if this would really help you or not, but I was struck by how much of a pattern I saw in your responses that I don't think you noticed. So I will now point it out.

Other people needed attention that I couldn't give at the moment, and I needed attention that they couldn't give.

I've been really stressed lately with school, and confused about my relationships with various people and where the line is between friend and acquaintance

I keep thinking that I'm damaged goods, that no one would want me if they knew how messed up I am and what's been done to me

very scared of interacting with other people

So it seems to me...relationships with others might be playing a big part in this. Not sure if they are the problem or the solution or both.

Probably the solution more than the problem at this point. I'm really afraid to open up to people because it has backfired in the past and I don't know who I can trust, though. I'm afraid that because of the kinds of things going on in my life, the normal opening up that brings people closer would end up scaring people away from me instead. Especially since I have several new friends/acquaintances right now, and the last time I had new friends (aside from some online friends) was about four years ago.

I also noticed this...

I talked with Chocoboko a little, but it didn't help much because I couldn't think of any specific emotional problem in my life that I could work through to make things better, just the images and the physical urges. I talked with my brother about stupid stuff and showed off my artwork to my family to get some positive attention but I didn't feel any different.

You tried to reach out to others, but didn't get what you needed. In talking to Chocoboko, was it helpful to talk even if you couldn't "work through" anything? With your family, would it have helped more to have them know what is going on and be compassionate, rather than just giving attention? I think those efforts were probably very good things, but it sounds like they didn't quite get you what you needed.

It was helpful to know that Chocoboko knew what was going on, at least, but the talking in and of itself wasn't helpful aside from that. With my family...maybe it would have helped to have them know, but since they don't know any of what's going on right now I think the drama of them finding out would have made things far more stressful. I thought about just telling them since things are so bad, but I'm afraid that they might want to put me in the hospital or something, which I definitely can't afford with school. I probably should have talked to my brother, though. He's a lot less likely to make assumptions or believe mental health stereotypes than Dad, and way more level headed than Mom. I keep saying that I'm going to talk to him and then chickening out.

This concerns me a bit...

think maybe I should open up to my family about how much trouble I'm having now. They don't know any of this stuff that's going on in my head, because I haven't wanted to worry them by telling them. There's no money or insurance or anything to send me to a pdoc, which seems like it would be the logical thing to do under the circumstances. I don't want my family to think I'm crazy, though. I don't want to disappoint my dad by being even crazier than Mom. I don't want to give him yet another problem that he can't solve.

I can understand wanting to protect your family. But keep in mind that eventually they will figure out something is wrong, and it would be a lot easier for them to deal with it before it comes with a huge injury than in the emergency afterwards. I don't think you are crazy. I do think you are under a lot of pressure and your brain is playing tricks on you. Not very nice of it.

I don't know if this helps at all...I wouldn't want you to talk more than you think is wise or to people you aren't sure could handle it. But I did notice the problems in interacting with others, and I wonder if some good supportive interactions might help you release some of the internal pressure.

I just wish I were normal and healthy so that people wouldn't have to deal with my problems in the first place. It's so unfair for them. I guess this ties in with the things that I said that you quoted in the beginning of your reply, about being damaged and unworthy.