wants vs. shoulds

Poya Maitri · Post by **Poya Maitri** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 7:02 pm

i read something recently about how a happy life is one where there is a balance between "wants" and "shoulds". this idea makes sense to me because sometimes i get too focused on problems and i forget to do anything fun, and sometimes i indulge too much in what i feel like doing, and neglect things that need to be done. i have noticed that i'm happiest when there's a balance between the two. so for me, this is a lot about finding that balance. sometimes writing things down helps as a reminder, so i thought i'd make a list and share it, in case this is helpful to anyone else, too.

Poya Maitri · Post by **Poya Maitri** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 7:15 pm

today my wants today are:

to go shopping for something i like

to lay around and not really do anything

to get a crappy magazine like People and read it

something good to eat

my shoulds are:

clean the kitchen & the bathroom

go to the store and stock up from a list - meal planning

see how much money i actually have left

prepare two meals

this might not turn out to be useful to make a thread of it, but i thought it was such an interesting concept, because i do seem happiest when there's a balance between the two. so just keeping that in mind helps sometimes. and sometimes when i feel really bad, just doing something that i've been putting off helps me feel better.

-poya

dbms · Post by **dbms** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:20 pm

Poya
I think it's a wonderful idea. All to often we let the things we must do overshadow the things we need. Too much work and not enough enjoyment makes it a pretty shouldy day. (sorry i couldn't resist).

Anyway

Today I want to:
write a bit of poetry
get some rest
play with my sons

Today I should:
clean the garage
plan for next week
pay the bills

Take care

Small · Post by **Small** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:29 pm

Personally, I think owning books like DBT doesn't help anyone. The problem with these books is that you read them and then convince yourself that there is more wrong with you than there really is. And thats really not very healthy.

My advice is that you SHOULD get rid of the book. And live your life how you WANT to.

Small

Poya Maitri · Post by **Poya Maitri** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:49 pm

i'm sorry you had that experience.

i can kind of relate, because i've felt similarly reading parenting books before. like i felt worse about myself and the situation after reading them rather than better, and had to just finally put them away. but that hasn't been my experience with this book.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Sun Nov 06, 2005 12:17 am

Small wrote:Personally, I think owning books like DBT doesn't help anyone. The problem with these books is that you read them and then convince yourself that there is more wrong with you than there really is. And thats really not very healthy.

My advice is that you SHOULD get rid of the book. And live your life how you WANT to.

Small

--i think it depends on the person. & how they use such books.
it's true... some people read books & then are convinced that everything in the book is true about them. some people read medical type stuff & then are convinced they have every symptom on the list.
it's also true... that some people read those type books & then use those books to help them get to the type of life that they want.
if you don't want to read such books Small... then you certainly don't have to.
what Poya is saying though is that the book *did* help. & i think that's a good thing.

Proximity · Post by **Proximity** » Sun Nov 06, 2005 3:24 am

I don't think that deciding that you are going to try to balance "wants" and "shoulds" in your life is manufacturing problems that you don't necessarialy have, that's the sort of thing that's helpful for anyone, no matter what kind of life they have.
It's easy to get your desires and your obligations mixed up, separating them is just an exercise in exploring and understanding your feelings.

I <b>should</b>:

go to bed early

write my paper on Freud

look at my assignment sheets and see what's coming up

call home

remember to call the pharmacy tomorrow to renew my perscriptions

I <b>want to</b>:

stay up a while longer

post on BUS

have a long shower

sleep in late

read my 'just for fun' book

watch the movie I bought

In a larger sense, these thigns can also be hard .. like for example, there are some things that I never know where they fall .. for example: I SHOULD graduate from college. Sometimes I feel like I also WANT to do so, sometimes I feel like I don't WANT to do so, and it's only a sense of obligation. Sorting through that helps me see why I'm here, and if it's worth it or not

prox.

[living dangerously?]

pointeless · Post by **pointeless** » Sun Nov 06, 2005 2:32 pm

Today I Should:
Do my washing
Clean my bathroom
Finish my mood board for the college meeting tommorow
Hover up
Do some training

Today I want to :
Curl up and relax infront of a dvd
Do some more work on my art (that isn't for any course or anything productive like that)
Delve into my happy box and be silly for half hour or so
Ring my best mate for a natter

Poya Maitri · Post by **Poya Maitri** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:04 pm

today i should:

fill out my voters ballot
fax my student loan papers
get some meal planning done
go get ingredients at grocery store
go to the health food store
make a nice dinner this afternoon
do some cleaning

today i want to:

stay on bus all day

get some expensive chocolate
rest a lot
get myself the cheap motels cd i saw

pretty · Post by **pretty** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 9:11 pm

For tomorrow, cos I never get chance to post in the mornings:

Tomorrow I should:
- get up before 7am so I don't have to rush.
- limit my internet time at work to when I first get in, mid morning, after lunch and once in the afternoon.
- not look at bus from work, because (a) I get all involved and end up spending twenty minutes here, and (b) there are nosey people who I really don't need to see bus over my shoulder.
- eat all my fruit.
- limit my pooter time in the evening so I get to spend some time with A.

Tomorrow I want:
- to eat chocolate.
- to play the Sims.
- to spend time online catching up with bus and things.
- to find some time to read.

And I'm going to try my best to do all of my shoulds and at least one of my wants.

marshmallowfluff · Post by **marshmallowfluff** » Mon Nov 07, 2005 10:54 pm

great idea poya

tomorrow i.....

should
get up before 7am
go to school
finish my homework
concentrate all day
do work in health and social care instead of doing nothing all lesson
not be on the computer as much, spend some time doing hwk

want
to talk to HF
to tell A it'll be okay
read

mephistopheles · Post by **mephistopheles** » Wed Nov 09, 2005 7:57 pm

I should:

-- go to bed early
-- not drink and take my antibiotics
-- do some hardcore art work
-- stop posting in order to do the above
--ring sam and apologise

I want to (and let's face it, I will):

-- go out and get wasted
-- go hang out with my flatmates and talk rubbish
-- have a smoke
-- pull a random guy who I will never see again

oh dear. maybe if I just do ONE of the shoulds???

n

Skyeler · Post by **Skyeler** » Wed Nov 09, 2005 10:31 pm

I should

-email my advisor to tell her why I haven't been to class
-take my antibiotics
-call my mom
-eat
-finish my sketches
-order my tablet

I want to

-sleep

disastercake · Post by **disastercake** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:43 am

That's cool. I usually tend to neglect my "shoulds," but I'm working on it.

The lists are a good idea.

Poya Maitri · Post by **Poya Maitri** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:57 am

i should: stop clinging to bus like an orphaned monkey to its makeshift cloth mother

i want: things i can't have, things i can't do, things i don't understand

jamie28 · Post by **jamie28** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:52 am

you can anything. but you will have to work for it. and you may have to work damn hard for it and wait for it.

i;m here if you want to talk.

jamie

Tamrick · Post by **Tamrick** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 11:20 am

Sometimes my "shoulds" are actually my "wants" but that is because my life is so unbalanced. Today is my day off from work and so I SHOULD relax.

Yes, I should do the laundry and clean the house, but I should also spend some time on the internet and read a book and sleep lots. I think often we think the less fun things are the shoulds and the more fun things are the wants, but if you never have fun, you in the end MUST have it, else you will not be able to function at all the boring stuff.

Poya Maitri · Post by **Poya Maitri** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:40 pm

Tamrick wrote:I think often we think the less fun things are the shoulds and the more fun things are the wants, but if you never have fun, you in the end MUST have it, else you will not be able to function at all the boring stuff.

i totally agree with that.

what_if · Post by **what_if** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:36 am

Great thread

I should...

Get off BUS and finish some maths

Go to bed early tonight

Finish my computing work

I want to...

Stay on BUS, and listen to U2

Watch Grey's Anatomy in an hour (and probably will lol

)

Not do any work

Not go to school tomorrow

wants vs. shoulds

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