Things Left Unsaid *LA*

[twistddreamr]

J: i've been trying to say this for about two weeks. I LOVE YOU. i know you know that, but i've never actually said the words out loud. i feel like i'll fuck everything up if i say it. like if the words actually come out you'll freak out because its real. us in general doesnt seem real half the time. probably because we're a secret. i'm scared of losing you. so, so incredibly scared. you are the one thing that's keeping me from losing it completely. i'd probably be wandering the street somewhere, completely torn to pieces (both emotionally and physically probably). lost. i'm afraid to tell you that because i'm afraid you'll be intimidated by how much influence you have on my life right now. it scares me because i know at one point we'll end. at least on the level we're on now. and as much as i tell myself i'll understand and won't be upset, i know in my heart i'll be devestated. i hate the way the world works. loving you is hard when i know it won't last, but i can't help but feel so intensely for you. i wish you could read this.

fatally yours,

M

[SilverStarG]

¿Cuál es incorrecto con usted? Usted piensa que no sé de lo que estoy hablando. Usted es tal perra. Soy feliz y usted es triste. ¿Quién sabe mejor? ¿Si usted sabe mejor porqué es usted suicida? Usted no desea escuchar mí muy bien. No hable con mí.

[demidivine]

i am so lonely.
i can feel my desperation, watch it clawing for someone to have for me. i can see myself scrambling desperately after anyone, to do anything, to have something to take me up and take my time and thoughts and fear and sadnesses and push them back again.

[red umbrellas]

i think i love you. but i can't be sure, and i'm so insecure...and so i can't say it. i'm scared you'd run from me if you knew....but i wish i could tell you.

[In_Retrospect]

Mom: I'd never tell you this, but I know I cut because of you. You made me this way.
Dad: I wish I knew you.
Alex: I was never in love with you but I still love you more than my entire world. You have been unconditionally accepting, my sainted dear boy.

[LilacChild]

s - wen we met u told me u weren't a bitch. but u turned on me so quick and all cuz u cudn't wash ur hair for 2days..i cudn't either??!!HEEEELLLOOOOOO we spoke everyday and now u avoid me cuz ur so childish and u only care about boys. u walked in my bedroom wen i was feeling crap and told me u sat in ur car contemplating suicide....................................................................of course i was concerned but then u gav ur list of reasons.........................................................u missed an appointment at the gym..u heard ur ex sed something horrible and u don't hav enough money to buy clothes or go out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i always listen to u wuteva u want to say i am always smiling and happy for u. i believe u will be a famous actress wen all ur friends secretly think ur crazy for going to drama skool wen they go to uni. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY R U SO MEAN???????

c - as for u how cud u text me in hospital sayin im a twisted bitch jus cuz i cut. u hated me cuz i tryed to die. u wouldn't believe wut was in my head if i told u but u don't care. u hav ur husband *gross* and as ur happy thats fine. ur my big sis and u hate me. but i don't hate u

me- plz don't drink it won't change anything. go to sleep and watch the office on dvd but don't hurt.

[red umbrellas]

s- don't reverse things onto me again. you hurt me. what you said was out of order. when i tell you that, don't make your lame excuses. don't turn the blame onto me.
you really really hurt me

g- i love you....but i'm so scared you don't love me back. please please please tell me you do. please.

a- i miss you so much. i wish you were here. i wish i could help you.

[Aly]

Tim -- Im sorry, I really really am. I just...on thursday I really didnt mean for it to happen. It just did. And then, it felt right, because, we'd been there before. And, then, yesterday, I didnt mean for it to happen. And I do regret it. But, Id had such a shit day, I really had. And, then you were there, and, you made me feel loved and special and...I didnt want to hurt you. And Im sorry, I am. I just, I cant go back there again. Not after last time. Im sorry. What I did was wrong. To kiss you was wrong. Even though it felt right, it was wrong, because...I "like" Ehren, not you. And, now I just have to figure out how to tell you, and I dont know how. You told me you wanted something to happen between us, and...I cant let that happen. I just cant. And, Im scared Im going to lose you and hurt you, and I dont want that to happen. I just want us to be friends. You're a great guy (sometimes) and I love you (most of the time), but...only as a friend!

Gi -- Yoiu dont know how much you mean to me. You mean the world and more. I love you beyond belief. You are an amazing, wonderful, incredible person. yesterday, seeing you cry so much broke my heart. But you dont know how proud I am of you for opening up, for letting me n Mr M in. It felt so good that you finally trusted me in the way that I have been waiting for you to trust me in. Painful to hear what you had to say, painful to realise how much you've been hurting, but also good. You mean more to me than I can express, because you are such an amazing friend to me. Whether I am your best friend doesnt matter, but you my darling, are definitely MY best friend. Yes, sometimes what you say frustrates me, sometimes what you do and how you deal with things frustrates me. But those things are the same things that frustrate me about myself. Sometimes, when you dont understand what Im saying to you, it pisses me off, but Im pissed off at myself for not being able to understand it better. But it doesnt matter. It's okay that what you do and say frustrates me sometimes. It makes the friendship...more real...better! And I know that sometimes I frustrate you. Just as often as you frustrate me, if not more. But what's brilliant is that, you can tell me when that's happening, and then in the future, it can be stopped. I also know, that I can tell you when what you're doing or saying is frustrating me. I love you so so much Gi, and I wish I could take all your pain away. But I cant. I can only be here for you, and I am. Always always. And Im so proud of you for when you let me in and open up. I love you angel, and that wont change for such a long time.

Alex -- I wish I could tell you how much you've hurt me. But I cant. It just goes too deep. I cant even express it in my head. I know Ive over exagerrated it. But...it's because I care for you so much that Ive done that, and so what you've done hurts so much more. I love you, I do...but I dont understand why you did what you did. Even though you've tried to explain it to me. I just....I just wish I could tell you what you've done and how it's hurt me.

Ehren -- hunny, I really really like you, I think you're great. But Im scared that you dont think the same of me...Im scared that, if I tell you how I really feel, you'll just leave, like everyone else. Im scared that if you met me, you'd hate me.
I need to meet you, I need to find out what you're really like. Im too scared to arrange it though. Im too scared that you dont want to meet me, that this is all a bit of fun. Im scared that if we do meet, we'll have nothing to say to each toher, or that we'll hate each other. Im just plain scared. But I really really like you, because you are such a great guy...

I hope moving day is going okay

Will -- So many things to say, and the chance to say none at all. I still miss you more than words can say, but Im dealing with the fct that you're not here, and wont ever be. Good luck with whatever you're doing with yourself atm...hope everything is going okay...

Mummy -- Sometimes I hate you, and I cant tell you that. I cant even teel you that I love you, because I dont know if it trues. And that hurts me so so much. I blame you for everything, even though I know it's not your fault. I wish you could make it better for me, because I need you to...Im so sorry...I really am.

Daddy -- Im your little girl, and I always will be. But please dont protect me from stuff which isnt going to hurt me. Please face up to whats really here. Please allow me to be myself...please just love me for me, and not what I could be or what you want me to be.

Mr M -- Thank-you. For everything. I love you, and it will break my heart when I hafta leave, because you're such an amazing part of my life and you help me so much. THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU!

Oli -- Just....be careful. You dont know what she's made of. Please dont get yourself hurt...

[Strange_Panda]

Mom - Maybe I don't want to do this college thing, anymore. Maybe it's too hard for me right now, and I should be more focused on getting better. But you don't think there's anything wrong, anyway? Do you?

Boyfriend with a girl name - I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you... I love you so much more than you know.

[katiemichelle]

C-Stop bitching like a little baby...you're a grown man. Stop yelling at my mom like shes your kid, shes your WIFE!!! Stop ragging on me about my life, and how I do everything wrong...whatever dude...
B-I don't even fucking know you but I'd love to see you come to MY house and talk that kinda shit to my face...yeah...fuck you bitch, you say I'M ugly and nasty and cant get a guy, well..ur too chicken to show me your face probably because YOUR nasty!
C-I thought you were my best friend?! I trusted you, and YOU were the one that betrayed me...you messed with me, my family, and our home. How dare you?! Who do you think you are? I hope you do get into big trouble with the law, and maybe when you're sitting in that cell, you'll think of how you hurt someone that trusted you dearly...you're so low...
M-You are a young, naive, stupid little girl. You need to grow up already if you want to hang with this crowd...stop running you're mouth...you think telling secrets is going to get you far? Hah...nope not in my book. You done fucked with my friendship and my personal life...you know payback is a big bitch...
MI-Why dont you learn your lesson?! Always in and out of prison and jail. I care so much about you bu damn...my heart is really starting to lose hope in you...
BD-Another so called "friend" that is so immature that goes and messes with my mom, yeah...it was a year ago...but i still remember it. and it hurts. You think picking on an older lady is funny shit...yeah, wait til your old and my kids pick on you...you'll be laughing, right?
SC-Please stop cutting, you make me so sad when you're angry and frustrated. You're such a happy go lucky person, go find more coping skills...ones that will actually work, and you will actually attempt. I <3 you...
M-Stop stressing about money...everything will be OK, I promise. The bank is dumb, and they better refund you'r money. If not, just take one day at a time, we'll replace all that money...it just takes time. Stop letting Chris treat you the way he does, take a stand. You tell me to be strong, well now I'm telling you. Look at your cute new haircut...you're gorgeous and look younger as ever...you dont need a guy to treat you the way he does!!! I <3 you so much!
KNF-Hey...u need to seriously get your anxiety problems checked out. I hate thinking about how worried you are...you're giving ME anxiety attacks! lol! Don't worry about me as much as you do. I'm smart and strong, but even though I'm not invincible,I'm not going to let life bring me down...I have gut instincts and know when to listen to them. I just have to learn from lessons...and to do that, I do need to experience problems.

[Skyeler]

Mom

- I've been staring at the blinking cursor for five minutes thinking of how to start, what to write, what to tell you. The truth is that I don't know. You said you wanted to know why I'm angry, why I don't like you, why I'm bitter.
You.Left.Me.With.Him.
When it came down to business six... yeah six years ago, you forgot you were a mother and you turned into a lawyer instead. I was never more then another asset to you and him, just something to shove back and forth in the mediator office like that fucking painting you both screamed for hours over. yeah, I remember the painting one time, after you left, he hit me and I smashed into it.
I don't blame you for leaving, well actually yeah I do... but the truth is that if someone had given me the chance to leave I would have left you behind as well. We're just alike that way.
You have no idea how to deal with humans who aren't asking for legal advice. You just want people to like you, at any cost to them. Fuck... I get more drugs from you then from my drug dealer.... You know I've od'ed on all this shit before but you keep giving it to me, because you think it helos. Because I'm nicer when I'm fucked up on mood stabilizers.
I don't know what made you decide you were going to take care of me. I don't know what made you come to my appartment and take me home with you. But it won't fix anything, tomorow... tonight... today maybe I will leave, I won't come back for supper on Sunday, I won't answer my phone when you call, I'll chain smoke through whatever occasion you make me go to.
I'm as bad of a son as you are a mother. At least we have something in common.

[marshmallowfluff]

d - you have made me so... fucking.... angry.

[DecemberLivy]

p - i'm scared

b - why cant you take me seriously for once?

l - fuck off. i've got alot of shit on my plate right now and i dont need you and your fucking 'sensitivity'. when are you going to realise you are fucking PATHETIC. get a life, and GET OFF MY BACK

d - thankyou for believing me

[maybeshewasright]

S.M- i cant stand your shit anymore. you are driving me insane. stop being over dramatic and maybe people will like you

C.H- Stop bragging!! I cant stress it enough people dont care if you dont feel that good.. cause neither do we. and stop with the self pitty act it sucks and we know your faking it with the mental issues.

N.V- Thank you so much for being there i know you must think im annoying but you do help.

TJ.U- dude i love you. you are awesome you have helped me almost come over my addiction.

G.L- dude stop worring about me. and stop making out with your g.f every 5 sec. of the day it really pisses poeple off.

K.K- please stop with the wineing it really gets on everyones never we are not 5 and your life isnt as bad as it seems. and stop slapping my hand and telling everyone about my addiction i dont appreciate it.


--that made me feel a little better!

[Aly]

Ehren -- I cannot believe you. I really cant. What kind of unfeling monster are you? WHat kind of complete twat are you? How could you find anything like that even slightly amusing? Seriously, what is wrong with you? You really upset me. I told you trhat awful situation, told you I was freaking out about it, and you just laugh? You complete twat. You have REALLY upset me now. In such a huge way. Im even more angry than I was now, but also incredibly upset. I dont believe you could be so incredibly horrible. Im angry and upset, SO angry and upset that I cant begin to describe it, I cant even begin to tell you how what you did led me to choose to feel like this. I am disgusted with you....

I dont want to forgive u, I can feel myself doing so already.


I feel like crying...


I feel like fucking UR arms up because of it, not mind....

[Cellardoor]

i made it all up. none of it happened. at least i hope so...

[Aly]

Grandpa (In some ways, I know I *have* said this to him...I wish I could here his reply... Written June 13th '05) -- So, in a few days time it will have been a year since you left me. And for this whole past year Ive been waiting for someone, anyone, to jump out and say "it's all been one huge joke / experiment. You're Grandpa is fine, he's right here, look..." and then for me to look up and see you. But that hasnt happened; you havent come back to me. I guess as the year draws to a close, I have to accept that, to let go of this old belief. But imagining a life without you and without the hope that you're gunna come back, is hard/ Looking at it, it doesnt seem right. Life without you doesnt seem right You've always been here, and it feels so wrong to think that suddenly you're not. Well, it's hardly suddenly anymore...it's been a year.

And Ive learnt so much in thsi past year. Firstly that Mummy and Daddy (even though they're amazing) can't fix everything. In fact, they cant fix most things. I have to fix most things for myself now. But still there are somethings that only time can fix. And some that will never fix. I've learnt that good moments make a shit day good, but shit moments dont make a good day shit. Ive learnt that the easiest way to escape is rarely the "right" way/ I've learnt that I can be happy, even when my whole world is falling down around my knees. And Ive learnt who my real friends are and how TRULY amazing they are. Ive learnt that lfie is rarely fair, but its unfair to us all, and friends help lightn our burden. ANd Ive learnt that *I* can be a good friend, even when it feels like my heart may stop beating because of the pain Im in.
At times I've felt life is too hard to go on living, and once I risked my life to escape the pain. But finally Im beginning to realise that the harder and faster I run away from my problems, the bigger and scarier they become. And one day, if I dont stop running, they will become another thing that no amount of time, no amount of strength and no amount of friends (or Mr Morris's or Jenny's) will ever fix. Thats my biggest lesson so far, and Ive still not finished learning it. In fact, Ive barely started. Finally Ive learnt that Im different to a lot of people, but that;s okay. In fact, its more than okay, it's perfect. I thought that Id been fighting to fit in, and it would confuse mel the more I tired to fit in, the more painful it was. But now Ive seen that I was fighting to be myself, and finally Im allowing myself to be that. I expect tears, drama and tantrums, but thats okay now. Cus along with those comes laughter, happiness and love.

It's funny because during this last year Ive been sad, angry, guilty, more sad, more angry and more guilty over your death. People say that's grief. So according to them, Ive already grieved considerably over you. Yet only now do I feel Im beginning to grieve properly. Now that Ive decided to accept that you're not coming back, I can begin to grieve over you. Ive learnt that life has to go on. You've died and you're gone, but my life continues as it should. And yes, Ive toyed with the idea of death. But I would have been disappoined had I got round to it. I would have expected everyone's lives to stop for a while, and that wouldnt have happened. Life is called 'life' for a reason. Because it stops for noone. However, upset, lonely, heartbroken, important, rich or famous one iss, it will not stop.

So I sit here, with the old familiar blade on my knee, writing a letter to you, one year after your death and finally I feel realy to accept you're gone. I finally feel ready to let you out of my box of blocked out memories and put you into my box of good memories I can take out and look at anytime. Yes it will hurt to accept your death. But I have to do this now, so I can face my other demons a stronger perso, knowing I have banished one thing from haunting me. These will take longer to deal with, be harder to deal with, be scarier to deal with. But it will be so much easier and quicker knowing that you will be there for me to remember anytime I like. It will be easier knowing that you, my comfy, cuddly, wonderful Grandpa can be with me along this journey Im going to take to get 'me' back to who Im meant to be, in the best way you can be now.

I know I began to si after you'd gone, but Id like to think that you saw what I was going through, recognised the lonely, lost person I was, but knew al along Id be fine. Id like tot think that you ewatched me, and in your own special unique grandpa way helped me and hugged me through this past year. Id like to think that whereever you are now, you're reading this over my shoulder, knowing and feeling that I love you with all my being, amnd that I miss you beyond belief. And Id like to think that you'll always be there. Id like to think at some point in my life, Ill see you again and *finally* be able to tell you that I love you. Id like to think that you'll forever be the Grandpa I remember -- happy smiling healthy -- for all eternity. Ready to hold each and everyone of us -- you're kids and grandkids -- when we eventually come to join you. Some sooner than planned, some later than planned. But eventually all with you. And event hough I miss you so so much, I know that right now isnt my time to join you. I know I have a future for me to live. Im not gunna wander aimlessly through life anymore, nor am I gunna let it bring me down -- Im gunna LIVE/b] it, Im gunna put all my heart and soul into it. Im not gunna try to escape the hurt and pain that may come later on in life. If I try to escape that, at the same time Ill be trying to escape true happiness; true joy.

Maybe life doesnt go as planned, but maybe thats life's way of saying 'dont make plans - just live' As John Lennon said: "Life's what happens while you're busy making plans." Im planning to start living. Thats the last plan for my for my life for a while. Im gunna stop planning in my head how I want life to go, because if I do then it sure as hell aint gunna do that. Im ready to start living. I need help to do it, bit damn Im ready to. And Im excited about it. Im excited about leaving this year behind me and moving on. One day Ill look back at this year abd see all my lessons Ive learnt and I wont feel the pain that went with it anymore. And I cant wait till that time, but I wanna go through all the inbetween bit dfirst.

So, tonight, I fought with Dan, then deleted him. He's my past; a lovely bloke, but my past. He reminds me of what I was, doesnt tempt me wit what I could be. And I emailed Will. The last email. Last contact. Then I deleted him. They are my past, not my future. They will AWAYS be my past. And though I will always lovethem, my past is where they both belong. It hurts to be letting them go, but pain doesnt always have to be bad, and Im more than sure that this is the right waut to go, regardless of whether it hurts or not. I wont regret this, it feels too right. This wont turn out to have been the wrong decision, I wont let it be.

Today, I cried twice, and fell out with one of my best friends. I let go of 2 people Ive been clinging onto, I wrote down all the lessons Ive learnt. I toyed with the idea of si. Ive realised the time when I put people on pedastals has come to an end. Ive laughed my head off. Met a new person and wouldnt strip for him so he blocked me. I couldnt help a close friend today. I let myself be helped. I made lots of plans. Ive been in pain today. Ive had so much fun. Today has been AWESOME. Ive realised so much about myself. Ive realised how much Ive changed. Im proud of who Ive become. Im gklad I realised Im not the same person I was just a few weeks ago. Im glad Ive realised Im strong enough to release all my deomns and get rid of them. Im glad Ive realised you will always be with me, event hough I cant touch, see or hug you for a while. But mostly Im glad that Ive realised I dont need everyone's approval for something to be right. Me changing wont fit in with everyone and thats fine. As long as I have the people who really matter around me and as long as I have faith in myself, fuck them. I dont need people holding me back. Its time for me to ove on, move forward. And Im not gunna put it off anymore. I dont have more time to waste. I shant be a teenager forever. I wanna start living those years and having FUN.

But Grandpa, Im very scared at the same time. I cant wait for this journey to begin. But Im scared to start again. Im scared to admit defeat and begin once more. And Im sad to be leaving the old me behinf. And again, scared. The one thing that stayed constant throughout this year of turmoil and change, Im now leaving beahind and that scars me somehwta. But, Im willing to take this chanve so I can maybe achieve true happiness.
Gramps, Im sad to be starting to let you go. Even though Ill never lforget you, Im sad to be letting go of ythe hope that you may still be alive. Im not too sure what Ill do. This ridiculous hope of mine has been keeping me going for such a long while. Now I dont know what will.
Y'know, Im determined to move forward, but Im also slightly unsure Im ready. Ill do it, hell Ill do it. But im still a bit scared its all too soon. I dont want this yr to end, and for yr 2 without you to begin. Year 2 brings so much change with it; Im apprehensive.

This year has flown by and I dont think Im quite ready for it to end. There's many things I wanted to do before this yr was up, and only a few of them I have achieved. I feel guilty that the year has sprung up on me. I havent thought of you much. Havent been that upset, Ive had too much fun. I havent spoken to family about you properly. Or to anyone who knew you properly in fact. Ive briefly mentioned you. In tears, complainin. And I feel guilty. But, I know this isnt the way to go, I cant change what Ive done, I dont think I *should* apologise. But, trust me, Im working hard to change the future for myself. And, yet, at the same time, Im proud of myself for this year. Yes I beguan si - BUT I STOPPED. I lost a lot of friends - BUT I FOUND NEW ONES. I learnt SO many new lessons. Life is beginning to make sense. And whilst I dont think Ill ever let si go, Im willing to put it away for now. And never again will it play the lead role. AND Im proud of myself for this letter.

So, wherever you are, and whateevr you're doing, I hope you're proud of me.
And whilst this letter is by no means over, the writing part of it is, for now anyway.
Goodbye, goodnight, I love you. XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

[LooksLikeRailRoads]

No matter how hard I work, It won't be enough now. I used to be such a failure, and now I'm not. Why can't you let the past DIE.

[AngelsTears]

LP: ok wearing two bras is just way to much and please stop with the fake tans and get someone PROFESSIONAL to teach you how to apply foundation.

CH: i act like a bitch around you, i tell people i hate you, i ignore you and try to make your life hell.. what you dont know is this all couldve been avoid had you only cared once. we were friends, good ones, until you decided i wasnt worth a min of your time, made me feel expendable, a toy left on the shelf. i do these things because you hurt me and didnt even care, so now i dont give you the time of day. i dont care what our friends think, or that your still in my friendship circle just because they think the world of you, i know what you'r realli like... i shouldnt have to ignore it jsut because they do.

DO: ok im jealous, i probabli do like you, still arguing about it in my head. the fact that we're only friends and yo barely notice me doesnt help. I hate that now schools over you're not forced to see me everyday, i cant tell you how many days i came to school wanting to die and you just brighting up my day. I jsut wish i could let you know or at least let you go.

Shim: hahah remember that name LP? ok probabli my first love, not that i believe in that stuff, i dont see me ever gettin over you. I hate that i cant hate you and i hate that i cant stop loving you. Even tho we probabali met like once, our conversations were heavenly to me and you're definatly the only one whos come close to relating to me, the only one i have total trust in, just wish you could undertstand that.

thats it for now! thanks

[beautifulgarbage]

G.: WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO LOVE YOU? I want to be with you, every fucking day of my life, but I'm not even allowed to have a coffee with you! Why did I have to meet you at WORK?! You're obsessing me, and I haven't been this obsessed for a long while. I LOVE YOU and I would just want you to hug me and kiss me even though we both know we're not allowed.

Ge.: Stop calling me. Stop calling me. Stop calling me! I don't care if your family won't pay for your damn glasses. And it's really not even a problem at all! You were never there when I needed to talk, you're too conceited. Can't you see everyone is slowly running away from you after a few months or years of knowing you? The only people who stay are men who just wish they could screw you. Get over yourself, finally. And open your eyes...

J.: GO AWAY! You've hurted me so much in the past and now that you're supposedly sober you think you can come back just because that's what you want? We're never gonna be together again, we're never ever gonna kiss again, and we're NEVER gonna fuck again! Just go away, I really cannot take that bullshit anymore. I don't need your problems, I have enough of mine.

And.: You're so damn special. Behind that shell I can tell you're hiding a beautiful soul and person. Break that damn shell and let everyone see you the way that I do. You don't need that fucking dope to be happy, you're an extraordinary man. I wish I could hug you and tell you all this, but unfortunately I can't. You're really special to me and I wish you all the best. Don't go back to that destroying lifestyle. You could have so much more...

A.: Stop worrying about all those people. And why they like you or they don't. Honestly, a woman can be happy without a man. I've been single for 3 years and I'm doing okay. I adore you girl, you're the best. xx

This is actually a good thing to do, I guess I'll have to get used to doing it more often.