after a slip that ended a nine month SI-free stretch

[butterflydust]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

it needs stitches but it will survive. i took care of it.

what had happened just before?

my x-boyfriend told me he wanted me back but only if i'd have sex with him, and i loved him but i was mad at him, and my former best friend attempted suicide

what were you thinking and feeling?

i thought that i still loved him, and i would have to have sex with him, but that would destroy me, and he's been so selfish and i care so much about him but lately he just cares about himself and everything is so screwed up and i am really sick of being happy and i miss cutting

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I cut because i really, really needed validation that i was feeling miserable. everything's been so happy lately and i can't stand it anymore, being happy. i feel so disconnected from everything. and i'm not really happy because i miss SI so much. and i miss being miserable. i miss being broken. when you're happy, people do not validate your sadness.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

it's been nine months and the pressure was building. i missed being broken. i am happy, but a part of me is still self-hating and depressed, and it was sick of being smothered by happiness. it needed to exist too. i cut to punish myself. i cut to make myself realize i am not totally happy yet. for some reason i am terrified of happiness.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

lack of sleep. i don't know how to adress them. lately i've just been so overwhelmed. i have so much homework and i miss reading and i miss life. i feel like i'm being suffocated. I AM NOT OKAY! i may have been happy but things weren't right, somehow

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

i didn't want to try any other method of coping. i knew that i could cope with it without self-harming. but i needed the validation that a cut signified.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

i should have talked to someone about the way i felt. i should have just gone to sleep.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself
remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

i will talk to someone and i will realize that the fact that i feel miserable is validation enough and i don't have to be happy all the time, but i never will be

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

it's blown up into a sh*tty mess. it's not resolved. i would have to tell my x-boyfriend i am angry with him for using my bestfriend for sex, and forgive my best friend for kissing my ex-boyfriend right after i broke up with him. the second one is possible... i am not sure about the first


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

i'm still in that situation. but i am fighting. i am at the moment talking to someone on instant messenger about it who is helping me. i recognize it plenty well. the problem is as much as i want to be happy and love being happy, i feel guilty being happy because i feel like i should be miserable.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

talk to the person i am currently talking to
draw a picture
write all over myself in marker and take a shower

About Opportunities to SI


What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

it's been nine months and i missed SI so much. i was miserable and i needed to tell myself that i wasn't happy. i felt like i don't deserve to be happy anyway. it was a punishment for happiness. i was welcoming back in depression.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

It was there for the taking. it was 1 AM everyone was asleep.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

it would have kept building up, this anger at appearing happy when i want to be sad.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

increased

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

i felt like... i didn't really want to, because it's been so long... nine months is the longest i have gone in five years. but it was the right opportunity because things had been building up inside of me for a long while and i finally had a legitimate excuse. it was partly out of jealousy too, for the attention my friend that attempted suicide got. it's all cries for help, really. but i wasn't crying for other people's help. i was crying for my own recognition that i cannot be happy.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

it would build up inside me. i've been happy, yes, but the part of me that was taught that my role in life is to be hurt was not okay with happiness. until i figure out how to deal with that hammered-in mentality, the pressure of happiness will just keep building up into somthing like this. so i have to do something.

[swirlish]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

it needs stitches but it will survive. i took care of it.

I'm guessing there has been too many hours since you cut for stitches now. Did you take care of the wound?

what had happened just before?

my x-boyfriend told me he wanted me back but only if i'd have sex with him, and i loved him but i was mad at him, and my former best friend attempted suicide

I think it is good that you could recognize being angry at him. What could you have done with that anger instead of turning it towards yourself? How is your former best friend? What are you feeling about what she did?

what were you thinking and feeling?

i thought that i still loved him, and i would have to have sex with him, but that would destroy me, and he's been so selfish and i care so much about him but lately he just cares about himself and everything is so screwed up and i am really sick of being happy and i miss cutting

Can you see that your decision to not have sex with him is a good one?
You're sick of being happy, you say. Do you mean you're sick of acting happy or sick of actually being happy? Is it possible to allow yourself to be both happy and sad without having to hurt yourself?

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I cut because i really, really needed validation that i was feeling miserable. everything's been so happy lately and i can't stand it anymore, being happy. i feel so disconnected from everything. and i'm not really happy because i miss SI so much. and i miss being miserable. i miss being broken. when you're happy, people do not validate your sadness.

Can you validate yourself in any other way than cutting?
What is it with being miserable that you miss?
Do you need other people to validate you or you can you do it yourself?

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

it's been nine months and the pressure was building. i missed being broken. i am happy, but a part of me is still self-hating and depressed, and it was sick of being smothered by happiness. it needed to exist too. i cut to punish myself. i cut to make myself realize i am not totally happy yet. for some reason i am terrified of happiness.

As I asked above, is it possible to allow happyness and sadness to exist at the same time? Does it have to be one or the other? What did you punish yourself for? Can you think of why you are scared of being happy?

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

lack of sleep. i don't know how to adress them. lately i've just been so overwhelmed. i have so much homework and i miss reading and i miss life. i feel like i'm being suffocated. I AM NOT OKAY! i may have been happy but things weren't right, somehow

It sounds like you have a lot of pressure on you. Can you take some of that pressure off? Can you make a list of what you have to do and prioritize it? Can you take breaks in the homework and just read for a bit?

[LBC]

You say that you need validation of your miserable feelings...

Do you mean that you need someone to say, "I understand why you're feeling miserable, and it's okay for you to feel that way"...?

Or do you mean that you need to have some external evidence of how badly you're feeling on the inside?

I think that a lot of people are scared of the prospect of happiness...for many of us, it's a new realm, full of new possibilities, new choices...it's something we haven't known for a long time, and it's overwhelming. I think it's okay to feel that way. If you're looking for someone to empathize with you and let you know that you're not alone in this feeling, bus is a good way to get *that* sort of validation, without having to cut to feel like you have to get it. Does that make sense?

If you're SI'ing to show how badly you feel on the inside (to yourself or to others)...what need are you trying to get met? What would you tell the world about what you're feeling right now, if you felt you could? Would it be about school, or your friend's death, or the way your boyfriend is treating you (all of which are definitely situations that would stir up uncomfortable feelings, from what you've said...I would feel stressed out by them, anyway...)

How can you start to share how you feel without the SI? And why do you think you should be "punished" for feeling how you feel?

Mian gave some excellent questions to ask to start exploring those issues.

Please clarify if I've misunderstood you.

And please, take gentle care. You feel what you feel; *you* are the most important person that could validate your feelings, believe it or not, and hopefully you'll soon get to the point where SI won't be necessary to do so.



P.S. Don't beat yourself up about losing your nine months. The fact is that you *didn't* SI for nine whole months, which is an achievement no one can ever take away from you.