before *su*

[Licentia Poetica]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Becuse I'm sick of everything not working. I'm sick of people telling me it'll get better. It *won't*. Nothing *ever* gets better. I always sink. I can't remember the last time I felt okay. Maybe suicide is selfish. But I don't care. I really don't. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm over it. I want to die. I want out of this, I'm utterly sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel worthless and hopeless and helpless and I want out. I'm sick of my life and nobody cares.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I've been suicidal before. I dont know if ever to this extent. I don't know if I've ever made a plan as specific as this before. I don't know what I did. Sat through it. Told myself it would be okay. Felt okay for a while. Then I crashed again. I can do all that again. But I don't want to. I don't want it to be okay. Because all that ever happens is I crash and I wish I'd killed myself. I don't want to get through it. I want out.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've tried to make it through my exams. I've even studied really hard. For no other reason than I have nothing better do to. I'll do well. I know I will. And I don't care. It doesn't make a difference anymore. I'm planning on waiting till my friends finish their exams so I won't screw nything up. I've made a shrink appointment. I could go. I could tell her what I'm feeling. I could let her put me on the med-a-round once again. I could try anyother med. I could keep on just getting by and being okay. But I don't want to. I don't want any more hope. It never helps. It never gets me out. I don't want to be okay. I want to be happy - right *now*. I don't mean happy euphoric happy. Just not sad. That would be nice. I want it right now and I don't even care how unrealistic that is. But I want it. I don't care if you could promise that my next meds would work. I don't care. It's not even worth it. I don't *want* them to work.

How do I feel right now?

Stressed. Feels difficult to breathe. Scared, alone. Shitty. Frustrated. Fat. Depressed. But hey, noone can feel it but me - so thats okay then.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I'll feel good. I'll feel like I finally achieved something. I'll feel at peace and free and calm.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Well. If I hurt myself like I intend to, I won't feel anything.

Do I need to hurt myself?

No. I don't need to. I can keep living being sad. I can keep on getting up every day hating myself and wishing I was dead. I can keep on seeing things and crying and bleeding and driving the world around me crazy. I can do all that. But I don't want to. I don't want to be here anymore. I can fix it all. I can make everything better all I have to do it just not be.

[Licentia Poetica]

i dont have the energy to reply.
but thankyou mab
im thinking about what you've said