before

[Not_what]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it wont, but ill have done something about it

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring that sense of control, and satisfaction. it will temporarily take the shame away from it all

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i dont care too much about the long run. i cant see a long run.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last for a couple of minutes, and then ill feel satisfied with what ive dont. but then ill get wound up and agitated and probably end up si-ing more, until i can roll over and go to sleep knowing that ive created the mess im in

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could talk to people here. i could read a book. it wont change anything, itl just prolong the sense of urgency until i finally give in

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si id feel bad, because id feel ashamed and hurt that ive continued doig this, even though i have no right. if i read a book, id feel bad that i wasnt strong enough to si

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now i want to cut myself, and that seems like my option right now. i want to get rid of all this badness inside of me.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
again, i have eaten. plus its 2 days off the date that i got raped out round town. even just writing that has made me want to burst into tears and throw a massive si/purging tantrum and just generally throw things and fly into a rage.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i havent quite been here in this place before. i felt anxious last time, that i was gonna do some damage, and that people were going to find out, so i went around to my friends house where i was safer and not alone. i blocked any feelings out somehow

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i ate, which ironically made it worse. ive spent the past couple of hours chatting and catching up. i know as soon as i move from the computer i will si

How do I feel right now?
i feel sad, fat, worthless, lonely, ashamed, guilty, powerless, out of control

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
ill feel like i have managed to do something about myself. i have proved to myself that i can do whatever i want and whenever i want.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
right after ill feel good, ill feel happy - briefly. tomorrow ill feel guilty, and full of hate and self loathing. but ill feel proud

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i cant avoid this stressor, its something ive just got to learn to deal with

Do I need to hurt myself?
yes

[mallie]

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si id feel bad, because id feel ashamed and hurt that ive continued doig this, even though i have no right. if i read a book, id feel bad that i wasnt strong enough to si

Do you really think that SI indicates strength? Can you explain why?

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i cant avoid this stressor, its something ive just got to learn to deal with

An anniversary-date of a difficult memory is something you can't avoid, but could there be better ways to deal with it? Have you managed to healthily deal with the memories associated with this time of year in the past, or after things happened? What are you doing to heal from what happened to you?

[Not_what]

Because si feels like the only thing i CAN do, and if i cant even do that, then how stupid am i? Although, it's probably more the other way around. I've just kinda got it into my head that by si-ing, i've left something, a mark, and ive done something about everything.

By saying "yes, i can do this" gives me that tiny hope to hold on to that i can do the things that i want, even though for now they aren't the healthy option.

I haven't yet managed to find a healthy coping strategy for these memories, i've been going seeing my C for nearly 10 months, and it's only these past 2 weeks that we've discussed anything related to it. And even then we only talked about why i couldnt talk about it. I struggle to talk about it, to even think about it. i shut any thoughts off and put them away somewhere where i cant reach them. I managed to work things out in my head over what had happened, but as soon as id done that, i shut it off, blanked it out, and just kept the feelings to myself. Now whenever i have to deal with it, i do the exact same, i shut off and either end up hurting myself or getting totally drunk and depressed.

I suppose, being honest, im not doing anything to heal from things, only making myself worse.