Struggling (again)

[Wandering]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't. Well maybe it will temporarily, but I'll come back to the same place again.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will give me a focus. It will, if I'm being frank, make me feel like I have more of an identity, a tangible 'issue' that gives me some value. I know this is all illogical, but it is how I feel right now. It will take away my period of not self harming (nearly 5 months - heck), reinforce (once I get over the initial relief) the feeling that I'm a failure cos I can't resist urges, and will also take away any value in me getting the tattoo I'm planning as a symbol of my commitment to NOT self harming any more

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't want to self harm all my life, I do want to get over it, but I think I'll always miss it a bit. This is really hard.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
For a few weeks probably. Then I'll be right back here...with the same choice...

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Ride it out. Feel crap but not act on the urges. Thats what I normally do, but although it achieves the purpose of me not cutting, right now I WANT to cut, I don't want to not cut. Gah!

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
A bit disappointed that I messed up but secretly quite happy with the damage.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to cut. I really do. To the extent that I don't even really know why I'm bothering to do this - habit and being my responsible self I guess. But I don't know if I will cut, and maybe some part of me is holding onto that chance, as much as I want to.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
No particular thing. I'm actually quite 'happy' with life. But I miss SI - I miss that 'identity', of having a valid thing 'wrong'. I don't know if that makes any sense - I can't really think of the words...

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes. I either fight my way through it, and continue feeling crap, or I SI, which relieves it for a while

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?


How do I feel right now?
I want to cut I want to cut I want to cut. I feel almost physically sick because I 'need' the release so much. I don't want to do the whole coping strategy thing, because I don't want to cope, I want to just cut. No one would need know, its not like anyone will see, when I'm the other side of the world from home. So it really wouldn't affect anyone but me. And I want to, so where's the problem?

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Real good

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Better

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
There is no stressor

Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I don't need to. But I want to.


I don't really know why I'm posting - I don't know how you can help me. Its my own battle to fight, if indeed I want to fight it. But at least by filling this in I have fought that battle for an extra 10 minutes... I guess thats something.

Andi x[/i]

[mallie]

Answering all these questions when you know so clearly you don't need to SI, but you still want to, seems like a difficult thing to have gone through. It is good to have taken the time to fill it out, even just for being able to refer back to later on (whatever the outcome).

I can relate to the feeling of really wanting to cut, even though it doesn't really feel necessary. It is a hard feeling to manage, I think, because the usual arguments about coping mechanisms and how effective SI will be in dealing with the problem don't really apply. The only question I can think to ask you that might be relevant is why have you taken the efforts to try and stop SI in your life more generally? You're almost 5 months free, and you've put in the effort to manage other urges without SI in that time - what is it all for? Have you felt positively after resisting urges before, if so, why?

A couple of your answers talk about feelings of identity and how you define yourself. Are you able to define yourself in other ways? Why do you think it is beneficial to have a valid thing 'wrong' with you? Do you think other people's struggles are more or less valid depending on overt behaviour?

[tattybluetrees]

Hey Andi.

You are right about this being your oown battle to fight, in that it is only you that can make your choices and you who must be ultimately responsible for them. But that itsn't to say that other people can't try and help you, either with support and advice, or just with acknowledgement and maybe just a little recognition of the place you are in. It isn't weak to ask for those things and doesn't mean that you aren't fighting and winning your own battles....

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will give me a focus. It will, if I'm being frank, make me feel like I have more of an identity, a tangible 'issue' that gives me some value. I know this is all illogical, but it is how I feel right now.

This doesn't seem at all illogical to me. The desire to make emotions tangible is very strong and wholly reasonable in a world which gives recoognition to physical but not to mental pain. It's hard to accept that youo can feel pretty rubbish without having aany obvious or aparent reason. Is there any way you could make what you feel tangible without hurting yourself?

Can you accept that you don't need an 'issue'? That you don't need a physical reason for how you feel?

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't want to self harm all my life, I do want to get over it, but I think I'll always miss it a bit. This is really hard.

Yeah. That sucks. I've gave up smoking a few months ago, and I am coming round to the idea that I will always miss that. But when II think like that I only think oof the good things- the way it felt to have a cigarette in my hand, the fact that it gave me something to do and so on... I never think of all the things that made it pretty crap... like feeling chesty all the time and having a house covered iin ash... Sometimes when I miss it I try and remember all the reasons I gave it up and that helps a bit. Makes me feel stronger. Could you do something like that? Focus oon why SI is soomething you gave up, not why it's soomething yoou miss?

How do you feel about the fact that you miss it? You don't have to answer that, it's just that sometimes feelings of inadequacy over still wanting it feed into the urges, for me, anyway.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Ride it out. Feel crap but not act on the urges. Thats what I normally do, but although it achieves the purpose of me not cutting, right now I WANT to cut, I don't want to not cut. Gah!

Over the five moonths you've been SI free (which, incidentally, is pretty wonderful), has it got any easier, on baal;ance, to get through the urges? Does ridng it out get easier? If so, can you allow that now aside, you haave maade progress? That's not meant to help really, buut sometimes it's hard to give oneself credit for achievement...

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to cut. I really do. To the extent that I don't even really know why I'm bothering to do this - habit and being my responsible self I guess. But I don't know if I will cut, and maybe some part of me is holding onto that chance, as much as I want to.

To me the fact that you habitually do something else before you SI says a lot about how well you are doing. Ideally, coping mechanisms should be habitual, right? So even if you end up SIing in the end, the fact that your first choice is something else is pretty good in itself.

It's good that there is a part of you holdiing on to that chance- again, even if the other bit of you wins the fact that there is that bit which is strong enough to put up a fight is something to be proud of.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
No particular thing. I'm actually quite 'happy' with life. But I miss SI - I miss that 'identity', of having a valid thing 'wrong'. I don't know if that makes any sense - I can't really think of the words...

Yeah, it makes sense. And I'm sorry things are so hard.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
There is no stressor

Even if there is no immediate stressor, is there anything which has led up to here? I mean, have you been tired, or lonely, or run down? Is there any reason why this urge is particularly bad?


Feel free to ignore everything I've said. I hope you are feeling easier now, and take good care of yourself if you can.

Tatty

[Wandering]

Thankyou for the replies. They have given me some things to think through.

I didn't make it, unfortunately, and even worse, I guess, is that it gave me the exact relief I was hoping for. But I can't go through this cycle forever, so while I'm feeling in a better place, I'm going to try to look over what I wrote the other night, and also think through some of the points you both made. Maybe I'll get somewhere!

Thanks again - I really do appreciate your time
Andi x