After

[shadowavenger]

* have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes

* what had happened just before?
I led on the sofa in the sixth form common room for 40 minutes, staring at the ceiling.

* what were you thinking and feeling?
was feeling isolated and like i didn't want to talk to anyone. A group of people I hang out with are planning a trip to Nice next summer and haven't invited me, and I'm not sure if they don't think I want to go or don't want to embarass me by asking me if i don't have enough money, or if they just don't want me to go. I don't like feeling left out and I felt isolated enough already that day because my mum had shouted at me that morning over something completely stupid.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I got sick of feeling so empty and angry and I wanted to express it in a way that wouldn't be visible by anyone else. I was drawing on my notepad and thought "okay I'm full of rage, how can I disperse it, oh look there are my scissors". There wasn't a specific final straw, it just boiled over.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I've been feeling depressed since Sunday and I haven't SId for two weeks so it's been bubbling away for a while and today just happened to be the point where I made a decision not to leave it bubbling any more.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried breathing deeply, drawing a picture, hitting the drawing pad, tearing up a piece of paper, drawing lines on myself with red gel pen instead of cutting, cutting up a piece of paper with scissors. They took my mind off the urge momentarily but at the point I was at I needed to do something physical.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I should have gone to the gym, that would have given me the physical release I needed. The only reason not to go would be the wall-length mirror that I can see my body in and it drives me mad because my body doesn't match my gender.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
1. ask bev to remind me
2. stick a post-it note on my scissors that says "GO TO THE GYM"

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's not resolved, and I don't really know how to resolve it. I could talk to my friends about the holiday but then if they say they don't want me to go I will feel rejected and that will make me feel worse.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I am likely to be there again. When I am in that situation I feel very lethargic and my thought processes are slow. My usual busy thoughts are replaced by self-hating thoughts (the little voice in my head that tells me I am useless and deserve to die, not a real voice but a personification of my own self-hatred and the way I have internalised the hatred directed towards me, in this case by my mother).

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. I will talk to bev or claire or nic about how I am feeling and ask for a hug when I need one
2. I will go to the gym and try to work off some of my aggression in a positive way
3. I will write down exactly how I feel and articulate it properly, and not be ashamed if this makes me cry

hugs and comments welcome x

[ChaseThisLight]

Working out at the gym is one of the best ways I've found to avoid SI. That and talking other people. It seems to me through what I have read that you know you have a lot of other coping options...and one of the hardest parts of alternate coping is actually doing the coping mechanisms. Sticky notes are great, I use them a lot too, they serve as a great reminder. I hope things go better next time when you use your new coping mechanisms.