how do i accept help? not sure where to put this I.m new!!!

[sheep1003]

I have been si'ing since i was 13 (now 22) and have been hopitalized a few times (mainly under section 3) but the thing is although I want to stop feeling like this and doing the things i do, i feel unable to accept help or admit that i need help or ask for help, i feel 99.9% that I am bad person who dosent derserve help, i am not worthy of peoples concern coupled with i dont want people to think as badly of me as i do myself as i fear they will do if i admit that i cant do it on my own as i see that as a weakness (strangely only in myself not when other people ask for help!)also however weird i feel in my life i have taken a lot of blame for stuff and i dont think i can face the blame for making myself go each week. i have sat with 6-7 different over the last 9 years but have always fallen at the same hurdle "do you want my help and are you going to let me help you?" i have been with my current therepist for over a year and we have sort of got by on me saying that (a)iam only out of there on curiousity? (b)that someone is forcing me to go!but she has now asked for my co-opperation and the admission that i need help and want it. has anyone ever felt like this, how did you get through it and what should i do?? Sorry for the length, awful spelling, general randomness!!

[katja]

you do deserve help, dont be silly!

[dbms]

Boy do I hear you. It looks as though your taking the right steps in seeing a therapist. I always (still do sometimes) have difficulty in asking for help. A lot of times I'm not clear on what it is I am looking for. Kind of hard to ask for something unspecific . Always found it easier to recoginze what I don't want rather than what I do want. However, the majority of the time its the question of why would people want to help me. Or a fear that people may not be willing to help.

I help (or attempt to help) others because it is my way of doing two things; giving back some of what I've recieved and it is fulfilling to help out where I can. Always thought doing it myself was a strenght and giving in and asking for help was the weakness. Seems its the other way round now gouing to a therapist or coming here is showing a bit of strength and a desire to be helped - good on you.

My wife was seriously ill a couple of years ago and I was having a tough time balancing things. Lots of strangers, looking after our kids, making meals, offering advice. They made it easier to get though things. It was a stressful for all of us. Her minister (of course I'm the non-believer here) asked me why I would want to deny people the opportunity to help where they could. It was a surprise because I hadn't thought of it that way before.

It was after that I sought therapy for the first time. At first all I knew is that I didn't want to live the way I was living. Having hidden my SI and depression from everyone for 30 years didn't make it easy to let go. Gradually, I was able to refine this into what I wanted my life to be like. It's a work in progress - I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Now before I go to see the Therapist I make a list of what I want to talk about and what I'm thinking I want out of it. Therapy is one place in life where it is all about you.

Hope this helps. I still new to this and don't feel very comfortable making long responses. I truly hope that you get what your looking for in this. Take care.

[Cellardoor]

hey, sorry im a bit late... i think if u want help then u should say to your T that you want help, even if your not ready to actively engage in getting help. I think you dont actully have to do anything else at first apart from that, i think your co-opperation and the admission that u need help and want it all at the same time is a bit much... one thing at a time u know?

And as for the 99.9% bad person thing? Man that is NOT TRUE. And even if it was wouldnt it be worth getting help just for that 0.01% of your self thats good and worth it? Just a thought...
Hope your ok anyway, be nice to your self ok? el xxx

Oh! and welcome to bus!