have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
-not really, but they aren't so bad
what had happened just before?
-huge fight with my boyfriend...only huge fights aren't exactly few and far between... I was so frustrated, cause he was basically trying to tell me he didn't recall at all having a conversation that we had literally at least 5 times this week. In other words, he knew we had it, he was just trying to make a point about something... and it was really hurtful.
what were you thinking and feeling?
-
I was so amazingly frustrated. At first I was very very angry, but then I just started to cry and cry, and he was almost kind of mocking me for it.... at which point I just didn't even know what to do or how to express anythign at all.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
-I think I felt like I ran out of emotions that could express what I was feeling... I just wanted to get through to him, and nothign at all was working.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
-I could have decided to get off the phone about 20 minutes earlier. I could have just decided that this whole thing was ridiculous (which it is) instead of engaging it and getting very very upset. That would have been the most self protective and healthy thing I could have done.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
-no real outside factors... well, not concrete ones. I've been feeling very quiet and retrospective and melancholy all day.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
-I didn't really try. By the time I got to the point of doing it, I couldn't slow myself down enough
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
-it's not resolved at all, and I really don't know what to do. I'm supposed to visit my boyfriend tomorrow or the next day, and right now I just plain doin't want to.. but that will reinforce his feeling like I don't have lots of time to spend with him. I think not going tomorrow would be best... and maybe I can just try to relax and think more clearly about this tomorrow.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
-i wish I wouldn't be, but I certainly know I'll be very very frustrated again... it's a life thing, right? I have to try to slow down...when I start feeling like I'm not longer thinking but just reacting, that's usually a breaking point (I think)
Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
-this opp was here for the taking... it also didn't help that he was throwing around my self harm in a hurtful way during our conversation.
What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
-waiting for the feeling, definitely... being consumed by it. Letting go of a sense of agency and control, letting my feelings overtake me
Hugs, anything, please.
-S
