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Priceless · Post by **Priceless** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 3:05 pm

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It would make me feel something, thats better than being numb and empty

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It would bring some feelings into me, and take away the numbness and emptyness

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In some point i would feel proud, because ive done it, but it will also proberly bring regrets because of the scars

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will proberly last a couple of days, and then i would have my 4 months drugfree day, so i wouldnt proberly get the down feeling of it?

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could go out and talk to people, i could txt some people, I could give myself relief by masturbating, and that would last pretty long, but i just dont feel like it

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If id hurt myself, id proberly feel proud/regret, and if i did that other thing i would proberly feel relaxed

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
txt **, make ** make me feel good about myself

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
YES YES YES, i wanna be alive, i dont wanna hurt the people that cares for me, because i care for them too

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I get scared because im going to have my 4 months drugfree day in two day, im scared that if i dont hurt myself, people dont wanna take my problems serously, and help me

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, ignored it, hurt myself, i dont know

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Take a shower to calm me down, take a walk and do some grocery shopping

* How do I feel right now?
anxious, scared numb, empty

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
it would level out my feelings

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
good and bad

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
nope, and yes, but ive got to have help

* Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes and no, but im still gonna try not to

ChaseThisLight · Post by **ChaseThisLight** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:33 pm

Recovery is a scary thing. I noticed you wrote you feel triggered because you're coming up on almost 4 months drug free and people won't take your problems seriously anymore. I don't think that's true. You shouldn't have to feel like you're in over your head with problems to get people to support you, that was a big realization I had to make. It sounds odd, and seems funny, but if you just ask the people you're around that you trust to talk to you because you're having a hard time feeling better, or what have you, they'll listen. You don't have to be in constant crisis to make people listen to you, in fact that tends to burn people out more. I'm kinda getting the feeling that you don't particularily want to cut...maybe I'm wrong. Try sitting down and talking to people about what's really going on...it's difficult, but you'll feel much better than you'd feel if you made somethng wrong and talked about that. That way you're getting down into your true feelings about what's going on...not just covering it with SI for later.

Priceless · Post by **Priceless** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:48 pm

Thank you for replying, yes recovery is scary the hell out of me, im used to be in constant crisis, but now things start to get better and that scares me.
Yes youre right, i really dont wanna cut, but i still have that internal fight over it, and this might sound weird, but i feel like if i dont wanna cut, i dont belong here? Im proberly wrong and irrationel, but the thought still haunts me.
And self harm has been a large part of my life for ten years, how do you let go?

ChaseThisLight · Post by **ChaseThisLight** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:33 pm

It is really difficult. How do you do without it? You just do, I guess. It still resides in the back of my mind (I haven't SI'd in about 10 months) but it's just not an option. Just make it known to yourself that it's not an option...it's hard, I still struggle with it...

Priceless · Post by **Priceless** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:20 pm

Sound very logical, maybe i should try to apply some of the same technics there, but the one reason i credit mostly, is that ive moved to a new town, and i dont have a dealer here, and staying out of my old town, but the tools i use for si, i can get everywere, i got loads at home, but i know if i throw them out, id just panic and buy new ones and do it again

ChaseThisLight · Post by **ChaseThisLight** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:51 pm

It took me a VERY long time to get rid of all my tools. It's not something you have to do all at once, I've found gradual is the best way (for me at least) to go about things. I had tools around for about six months before I decided to throw them away. Now there is even MORE of a wait period if I feel the urge to SI, because I'd actually have to go to the store and get more. But for the first six months, it was comforting (in a way) to know that I had tools just in case.

Priceless · Post by **Priceless** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 6:57 pm

Ive had tryed to throw all my tools away, because i thought i was ready, but that triggered me so badly, so i threw away 7 months, so im gonna make sure im really ready next time

bus

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