before

[cariad]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? I dont really know what the "sitution" is, hence the urge, i want to feel in control and hopefully if i hurt myself the situation wont feel like thise because i wont feel like this


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will make me feel in control for a while a calmer and less horrible but i wont have the satisfaction of knowing i coped with my emotions in a "good" way

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? farther farther farther. i always want to get away from everything.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? it will last hopefully untill i go to sleep...and then , tommorow i have intresting lessons at school so should ne able to get through them


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i am doing this now, then i could write or go upstairs and tidy my room, but if i go upstairs im likely to si because thats were my tools are if i stay here things are likely to continue building and soon ill get to the stage when i feel i *have* to si

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? if i hurt myself now tommorow i will feel guilty and like ive failed but also a tiny bit pleased with the mark ive made if i dont i will feel pleased with myself for resisting but i will continue fantasizing about what i *could* have done all day

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now i want to cry, i want to run far away, i want to know what im feeling, i want to know what to do. and i cant really do any of those things atm, ive already been for a walk my brother is in his room so i cant use the punch bag i cant cry...i could try writing a bit more




Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? i was feeling ill which always makes me feel low, i came home from school causei felt ill which makes me feel like a failure, ive been genrally been feeling down for a few weeks and i cant get intrusive thoughts out of my head. i feel fat and ugly and i dont like myself very much right now.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? ive been here often. I usually end up si-ing. or writing. or sleeping.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i walked, i went too see charlie, i talked to someone online, i talked to my dad about my car, im listening to music, ive written, ive watched films and done homework

How do I feel right now?
scared, sad, tearfull, self hating, fat, ugly, confused, anxious, horrible, everything is moving too fast im shaking and i cant see straight

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
in control, i will stop shaking, i will feel cold but calm it might let me cry

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i dont know really because there isnt a particullar stressor, i guess i need to learn to identify my emotions better and dealwith being ill. i need to learn its not weak to feel ill and its not bad of me to take some time for myself.


Do I need to hurt myself? not yet but i feel like i might feel that i need to later. although really i doubt i ever *need* to just i *really really really* want to. but ialso feel if i dont i might get dissocaitive and i really dont want that.



ok, am going to try staying on bus for 15 more mins then writing for 10 then seeing if anything has changed




xxx

[balletomane]

hi Mog.

Sorry things are so tough at the moment. It sounds like you have tried a lot of good coping methods, so congratulations on trying those things out.

It sounds like you could use some more ideas. My doctors suggest holding ice cubes or sticking my face in a bowl of ice water. both of those things help ground me and interrupt racing thoughts. Perhaps they would work for you.

Sometimes when I don't know what I am feeling, I start writing, drawing, or dancing. Pretty soon I find myself expressing those feelings I couldn't name. Maybe that would help you put a label to your feelings?

Is there anyone else you can call or visit? Maybe not being alone will help.

It might be a good idea to just go to sleep rather than waiting. Then you will have lessons as a distraction and more people will be around.

[cariad]

hey, thanks much for the reply

i did end up si-ing in the end cause i went to sleep and then woke up again feeling even worse
but last night i felt pretty much the same and didnt give in *is proud of self*
ty v much for the advice, the ice cube thing sound like a good idea, will try that.

take care xx

[tattybluetrees]

Hello. Late but here at last. There are a few things I thought to say, if that's okay?

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? I dont really know what the "sitution" is, hence the urge, i want to feel in control and hopefully if i hurt myself the situation wont feel like thise because i wont feel like this

I see what you are saying here. But it seems to me that there are two different things going on. One is a situation you can't control. The other is the feeling. SI might temporarily deal with the feeling, but will it make you more in control of the situation?

If you can't change the situation or can't really identify iit, is there anything else you can do to change the way you feel about it? What would make you feel more in control? Is there anyway you could acknowledge that there is nothing you can do and still be okay with that?

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will make me feel in control for a while a calmer and less horrible but i wont have the satisfaction of knowing i coped with my emotions in a "good" way

*nods* that satisfaction is important, and a good thing to remember.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? farther farther farther. i always want to get away from everything.

But you don't want to get farther away from your goals, right? Running away can often be a useful strategy (but then I'm a notorious wuss), but getting further away from the place you want to be is never good. That's not helpful running.

Maybe I'm just not so sure what you're saying here.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? it will last hopefully untill i go to sleep...and then , tommorow i have intresting lessons at school so should ne able to get through them

Could you turn this around and say that in a similar situation all you would neeb to get through was tonight, because tomorrow you would have something else to do? So you just have to hold of for the evening because tomorrow will be easier.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i am doing this now, then i could write or go upstairs and tidy my room, but if i go upstairs im likely to si because thats were my tools are if i stay here things are likely to continue building and soon ill get to the stage when i feel i *have* to si

That sounds like a double bind... one I recognise. I don't have any good suggestions, but it's worth thinking about what you will do next time- trying to have a strategy to deal with this problem of having no where safe to go.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now i want to cry, i want to run far away, i want to know what im feeling, i want to know what to do. and i cant really do any of those things atm, ive already been for a walk my brother is in his room so i cant use the punch bag i cant cry...i could try writing a bit more

Do you have any quiet forms of escapism for when you can't physically leave but need to run away? I find detective novels, trashy hollywood films, and crosswords all help.

It sounds like you have things in place aalready, and that's really positive. Nw it's a case of extending that list of alternatives.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i dont know really because there isnt a particullar stressor, i guess i need to learn to identify my emotions better and dealwith being ill. i need to learn its not weak to feel ill and its not bad of me to take some time for myself.

It sounds to me like you've done all the right things and all you can. There is no shame in getting to the end of your tether, and you should give yourself a bit of credit that you tried all those things and tried to make alternatives work for you.

It really isn't bad to take time for yourself. In fact, I think quite the reverse- it's pretty much imperative. I know that a lot of feelings of guilt come along with identifying that need, and those can be very hard to deal with. It's important to try and make yourself understand that feeling guilty doesn't mean you are guilty.

You say there wasn't a particular stressor, but was there anything that happened, however small, which made that day worse than another? Sometimes when you're iin a stressful situation trying hard to find the small things and stay on top of them is a good thing to do.




I'm sorry you ended up SI-ing in the end, but it seemslike you tried hard not to and that in itself is an achievement.

I hope there's something useful buried in all my words.

Take care.

Tatty