before

[demidivine]

i feel a bit of a fraud writing this, because i know that i am not using it for its proper purpose. i know i will cut; but i know also that i am cutting as a replacement for talking, so this is an attempt at taking a first step towards opening up.

i also realise as i write this, that i sound exactly like the front i am putting on constantly - i am writing in character. i am calm, capable and coping.


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation will not change, but it will not become worse. it will continue. i will just be articulating feelings that i dont want to understand and don't want to voice for fear of how painful and horrific the realisation of the situation will then become.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring a sense of familiarity to the situation, as it will be what i have done every time i have been hurt before. this will turn him from an individual and a person into another exboyfriend figure, and will place him neatly in the line. i will not be dealing with the emotions surrounding him, but making the situation feel normal and dealable. otherwise, it will be What I Do.
next week, people will see (or i will let them see, because i am unfortunately desperate for someone to see that i hurt) and i will feel guilty for making them upset and angry at myself for being so needy and attention-seeking.
otherwise, i know that i am partly doing this to show him how much i hurt. i don't like that i need to do that, to make him feel bad, because i know he already is. he is also a friend, and i don't like hurting him. but more of me needs to do it than cares about friends, which is something i hate.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't know. i am worried that i see it as something i should be doing.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
at the moment, it is daily, so not long. i will cut again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could read my book and feel productive, or sort out my files. this won't change the situation at all, but will lighten the load tomorrow. otherwise, i don't think there is much. i doubt my friends will want to hear from me, and all i will do is put the mask on and be all happy, and its quite hard to tell someone you are near-suicidal when you sound confident and perky.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel just the same, either way.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to cut. i'm sorry. i just wanted to try to express something. nothing is working at the moment, and i have no idea how i'm going to cope with the emotions of next week when i see him, am around him, and when he is no longer an abstract concept but a living person that i love. i have no idea how to protect myself from this, and i dont think i can. i am fearful and scared and angry and tired of it, and tired of the pretense i keep up that frustrates any attempt to break down on people and show how desperate i am. i hurt, and i cannot deal with it.

[pandablue]

I think it was good of you to put your feelings to words



Panda

[demidivine]

thanks, panda.


** si trigs. **

i am going through a lot of this again, so i will go through what i wrote before and add what i am understanding now.


i also realise as i write this, that i sound exactly like the front i am putting on constantly - i am writing in character. i am calm, capable and coping.
this is exactly the same now. i know that tomorrow, i will have to put on this face - i can let it go slightly when i see a few close friends, but only insomuch as i can tell them a little of what is going on behind it, but not let it drop. i will be saying that i am not doing well in a calm, capable and confident voice.

i will just be articulating feelings that i dont want to understand and don't want to voice for fear of how painful and horrific the realisation of the situation will then become.
this fear is becoming tangible as i realise that i am going back, tomorrow morning, into the places and situations that are associated with him, because they are his as well. and that on saturday, he will be arriving and i will see him and have to deal with it. the situation will become real, and my emotions will become real and i will have to deal with them properly. i am scared of this.

people will see (or i will let them see)
i don't know, now. i think they know, already. and it is not that bad - it is never that bad. but i know that i want to be so bad that i have stitches in. i want to hit a vein.

more of me needs to do it than cares about friends, which is something i hate.
i don't really know why this is. i'd like to be able to pin it all on selfishness, and i think i do, mainly. i dont understand why, when my feelings feel so distant and suppressed, i am cutting.

i have no idea how to protect myself from this, and i dont think i can. i am fearful and scared and angry and tired of it, and tired of the pretense i keep up that frustrates any attempt to break down on people and show how desperate i am. i hurt, and i cannot deal with it.
exactly the same. and more scared, because it is happening tomorrow.