ugh, I'm really wanting to cut right now. haven't done 'nything yet though.
today is 9 weeks since the last time I SIed...
Someone (lets call her C) asked me about this girl I know, J, what was wrong with her.
I was like; why do you think something is wrong with her?
C: "yeah well I noticed she has all those scratching marks all over her arms.
I worked in psychiatry for a while and those girls there, and they
scratched themselves a lot. Yeah, it sounds weird, but they do!"
me: "well I dunno about J, but I think she has some sort of skin problem,
her skin looks quite dry, maybe that is why she is scratching it, because it itches?"
(this is probably true, or J is really good at making SI look like some skin disease)
C:"yeah well but it really looks like self-scratching, I'm convinced it is... though she is a bit too old for it maybe"
me:.... dunno....
That was really odd. C continued to talk about it for a while, and I acted
like I reeally didn't know anything about it (asking questions I already
knew what she would answer.. )
I was kinda pissed off at that comment that she would be too old...
like I would be too old too... right... I think that just some misconception..
looks like many people think that it stops after you become 20
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Something tells me that the urge will go when I give in, and those pictures in my head will disappear (I get these kind of graphic "imaginations" of what the cuts should look like)
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It won't really bring anything to the situation. It will take away the urges though.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
maybe... farther. on the other hand, I might feel bad aftwerwards because I gave in after 9 weeks of struggling against it. I think I might also give up again, thinking "well if I slip once, twice isn't that bad either"...and so on..
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
not long, I guess. but I just want to... a little bit... and still I don't want to at the same time.. thats not making any sense
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could get distraction from someone, talk to them (though not about this)
Or I could ask that girl, J if its true... though I'm kind of afraid to do that..
I don't know if it will change that much.. oh well.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel bad. I would want to cut again, I suppose.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know, really. not besides getting some distraction. gonna go to a party with a friend. hope that will "cheer me up". though I'm not sure if those damned images will leave my head... they've been sitting there for quite a while now.
) But it's tough to convey that message to someone without giving away the fact that you SI. Hang in there, is the only advice I can give you. I think you know that SIing right now isn't worth it, and really...it's not. Like you said it could give way to thinking "Well one slip is okay, so is two"...and then you're back to square one. Take care of yourself.
and notmardy 