another before

[NobodyToYou]

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation won't change. The feelings...I don't even know what I am feeling right now. I think I am feeling a bit...maybe disgusted? with myself. I am upset that I am so urgy right now when there is no reason for it. And I am tired of being urgy. If I SI, for a little while, the urges will go away.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
The stupid urges will go away! It will take away a lot of good things too, like confidence that I can quit, and possibly my chance to be SI free for a month before taking a job.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel ok, without stupid urges following me around every minute. And I don't know how to get there. I am getting more and more frustrated with myself every day that I have these urges and can't figure out what to do with them. Ignoring them is not working so well as it used to.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know. But anything would help...even if it just lasts while I am actually doing it! I know it isn't really worth it...sort of. But part of me thinks it would be. I don't know.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am posting. It changes nothing. But at least I can tell myself that I am really trying. And it takes up time. What will I do next? If I am smart, try to sleep. If I am stupid, SI. Filling this out now because I am very close to SI...maybe too close to pull away from it. I should have done something earlier about this.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel like crap either way. Because no matter what I do, I am not going to be happy with myself.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to SI! But I am trying not to because I know it is not better for me in the long run. But in the short term....oh, so much better. I hate having to fight with myself like this.

[plantt]

the more you act on urges... the more they're going to keep coming back. the more they're going to scream at you the next time. to get urges to eventually lessen they need to be *not* acted on.

one thing that might be worth a try... is to find something to do everytime you have an urge. & retrain your brain to associate other things with that urge. eg. everytime you have an urge then do the dishes or bake a neighbor or someone at church cookies or go for a walk. anything just to get the urge to si associated with something else that you can actively do.