hmm... (after)

[Lycander]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

--Yeah, this happened last night. It's okay. Thanks for waiting.


what had happened just before?

--I was watching a movie. That day I had been reading "A Bright Red Scream," and looking for a job.


what were you thinking and feeling?

--Not much. Arguing about whether to cut or not, daring myself, looking at old scars, worrying that they're starting to fade.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

--No event, no. What I've been worried about is that I won't need SI anymore, and I'm scared to let go of it. It makes me feel strong that I can hurt myself, and I didn't want to lose that "strength". I like being able to slip into that weird, focussed SI state, and was starting to find it harder to get there. (I guess, ironically, that's a good sign, even though it led me to cut.)


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

--Tired, but I'm always tired these days. Worry about the future -- I really need a job! Criticism, then, and thinking I'm a failure for not being able to do all the "normal" things people do. Earlier yesterday, I left the door unlocked with noone home, and was beating myself up really bad for making that mistake earlier. And, probably most significant and least controllable, HEAT -- it's a frickin' humid, hot drought here!


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

--Hanging out with friends -- awesome, for a while. Biking -- soso, cause of heat. Calling support people -- awesome, while I was talking, but not after. Watching movie -- good for an hour! I should have taken a shower, but was too lazy.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

--Problem is, I'm afraid to stop SI'ing -- or, not afraid, just not sure I want to stop, even though I'm pretty sure it would be a good idea. I'm confused. Frick. I think I really need to talk some stuff out with the T -- I've been thinking too much.

That's all.
Wish me luck! Thanks for reading.
-Lycander

[mallie]

What I've been worried about is that I won't need SI anymore,

That you wont need it, or that it won't be available to you?

I'm afraid to stop SI'ing -- or, not afraid, just not sure I want to stop, even though I'm pretty sure it would be a good idea.

Have you tried writing a pros and cons list of what SI does for you and why it would be good to stop? Putting your thoughts out in black and white might help you clarify what you're feeling.

what were you thinking and feeling?

--Not much. Arguing about whether to cut or not, daring myself, looking at old scars, worrying that they're starting to fade.

It doesn't sound like you were too certain about cutting before you did it. How do you feel about this incident now that its happened?

[Tiarin]

What I've been worried about is that I won't need SI anymore, and I'm scared to let go of it. It makes me feel strong that I can hurt myself, and I didn't want to lose that "strength".

i can relate; i have a hard time with that issue, too.

maybe some questions that might be worth thinking about: what exactly does "strong" mean to you? what part of you is it that gets to feel strong when you si? are there other parts that feel different things?

Criticism, then, and thinking I'm a failure for not being able to do all the "normal" things people do. Earlier yesterday, I left the door unlocked with noone home, and was beating myself up really bad for making that mistake earlier.

sounds like you're pretty tough on yourself. what do you think would happen if you didn't beat yourself up when you made mistakes?

Problem is, I'm afraid to stop SI'ing -- or, not afraid, just not sure I want to stop, even though I'm pretty sure it would be a good idea. I'm confused. Frick. I think I really need to talk some stuff out with the T -- I've been thinking too much.

again, i can relate. i know that for me, the idea of quitting is a rather scary proposition.

i'm wondering— what do you imagine life would be like without si? who do you think you might be if you weren't doing it?

i'm wishing you lots of luck.

dragonfly

[Lycander]

thanks, mallie, for the reply -- i'm going to try answering some of your questions --

That you wont need it, or that it won't be available to you?

Weirdly, the former. I don't quite understand it -- hmm...

Have you tried writing a pros and cons list of what SI does for you and why it would be good to stop? Putting your thoughts out in black and white might help you clarify what you're feeling.

Yeah, but I could use to do another. I guess I'm a little frustrated because everyone, including myself, seems to think I need to stop, and then I freak out because I feel like I'm losing something really special. Doesn't really make sense...

It doesn't sound like you were too certain about cutting before you did it. How do you feel about this incident now that its happened?

Good question...
A little bad, but mostly for the other people who were pulling for me.
A little relieved, because I reassured myself that I haven't lost SI (which I'm obviously not quite ready for...).
A little relieved, too, because I was able to cut without cutting so bad I ended up in the hospital, which is a first in a while!
And mostly just confusedly interested...

Thanks for your time and care!
-Lycander

[Lycander]

Thanks, too, dragonfly!

The strength question is a really big one for me. It helps when people remind me that I have to be at least as strong to *not* SI as to do it. I remind myself that it's a cool skill to be able to slip into that alternate state, but that it's not really healthy, long-run, and will pull me away from real life.

Comparing SI to drugs and alcohol helps me a lot -- I'm not a big fan of being drunk and high, except once in a while, and if I think of the SI "high" the same way, it kinda helps.

I'm really really tough on myself, and I only have one setting when I mess up: whether it's a little thing, or a big thing, I get REALLY mad at myself for being so stupid, and confused at why the rest of the world doesn't give me the punishment I obviously deserve. A little part of me knows I'm overeacting, and I'm teaching it to speak up louder!

Yesterday, for example, I forgot to lock the door, and when I realized it, I was sure my landlord/housemate would kick me out of her house and never speak to me again. Never mind we live in a quiet little neighbourhood, at the bottom of a big garden, and she only locks up her bike half the time, so leaving the door open for an hour was no big deal. But no, I panicked and beat myself up really well!

I'm getting better, but old habits die hard.
Thanks for helping me figure myself out -- it helps a lot!
-Lycander

[Lycander]

Who would I be without SI...

No such thing, eh? I mean, I'll have these scars forever, though they may fade somewhat. I'll always have had these years; not sure I'd trade that. Dealing with SI has taught me a lot of patience for other people and a new way to look at people's situations.

When I finally stop (I think I will), I will be confident and strong and stable; not necessarily happy, but okay with that. Able to make mistakes. I will be able to look back at what I've come through without disgust.

I'm not there quite yet. I have been in the past, but I'm not there anymore.

No rush, I keep telling myself.
-Lycander.

[mallie]

If you're concerned about not needing it, do you think the stressors that prompt SI won't be present, or just that the feeling that SI needs to happen will be gone but the intensity of feelings will still be there?

[personally, I don't feel like I need SI anymore. I no longer get the type of urges that feel like they need to fulfilled and there is no other way to deal with it. I do still have really intense and overwhelming emotions that in the past would have prompted SI. I'm thinking if you're envisioning a scenario like this one, it would be pretty scary, whereas if it was seeing a future that you dealt with things better that they didn't get to this point, its sort of another issue...I'm not sure if thats any clearer ]

I freak out because I feel like I'm losing something really special. Doesn't really make sense...

I think that makes sense. If it has been a part of your life for so long, it is hard to give that up. No matter how damaging SI is, everyone here has experienced that it does or did serve a purpose. Giving up something that you know works (to some extent) isn't necessarily easy.

I remind myself that it's a cool skill to be able to slip into that alternate state, but that it's not really healthy, long-run, and will pull me away from real life.

Have you explored this alternate state with your T at all? Is it like dissociation, or something else?

[Lycander]

If you're concerned about not needing it, do you think the stressors that prompt SI won't be present, or just that the feeling that SI needs to happen will be gone but the intensity of feelings will still be there?

I don't know... hmm...
I think it's some combination of the two. You'd think I'd want to get rid of the intense, scary feelings, but when I do, I feel scared that I'm not real anymore, so I SI. So ideally, I'd learn how to feel without being overwhelmed, and learn how to feel real and physical without needing such drastic measures.

Have you explored this alternate state with your T at all? Is it like dissociation, or something else?

I haven't talked much with her -- it's not as intense a dissociation as some, if it is that, but it definitely is a special mindset, and there's a certain point at which I enter it. I think we might talk about this afternoon, if I don't chicken out!

Speaking of which, I have to run -- I have to be there soon, and it's pouring rain (finally!) so I want to get there early so I can dry out before our meeting. Thanks again for your help, Mallie -- your questions have been useful! I love your avatar, too, btw!

-Lycander