help! why can't i die (sp su talk)

collide · Post by **collide** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:00 am

just been feeling pretty bad this week....mood swings, depression...what else...just not feeling up really...maybe it's because of that hospital that said i was "untreatable"....couple of weeks...STILL HAVEN'T found the answer...the psychiatrist that talked to me in the ER said he PROMISED me he'd tell his boss and he'd find out who those ppl were!!!! it's been a week...2...i left him another message...i NEED TO KNOW....it's haunting me...there were some ppl there at that HOSPITAL that helped me, ppl that i TRUSTED...i had a nitemare, or bad dream about this last nite....

so how do i cope????...the anger and rage and the message they sent me depicts me and ingrains in my mind that i am so unfixable, such a horrid person that i am....

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so many suicidal attempts...and yet i am not dead...or deformed...why can't GOD just take my life???

i need answers....PLEASE!!!

there's so many crazy things i've done...because of my impulsive Borderline Personality Disoder that i could've gotten myself killed and yet i am still alive, like the time last last year i ran in the middle of the freeway at nite, and just zigzagged across the lanes...and finallly i got tired and laid down...DIDN'T GET RUNOVERED!!...then the other time last last year...i hopped over the BART rails looking down thinking whether i should jump...the train was barrelling closer...2 guys jumped in there got me out and saved my life...WHY DIDN'T THE BART RUN ME OVER?...then last Feb ran in front of a car on a busy road at nite...got hit...thought i cracked my head and broke my leg...but only damage was my leg just got swollen and i had to have a cane for a month....WHY DOES DEATH ESCAPE ME????...

now...it is still in my mind...buy a gun...was going to after that hospital said i was "untreatable"...was gonna go to my Psychiatrist cuz i had an appt and point the gun to my head and ask him to TELL ME WHO!!!!!!!...but didn't get around to that...i promised that psychiatrist at the ER i wouldnt...

but now...if he doesn't answer my calls...that plan still exists...go in there and put the gun to my head (well buy it first)...and DEMAND THEM TO TELL ME WHO THINKS I AM SO UNTREATABLE!!!!!!

FUCK!!!! sorry i hope i didn't make anyone feel more horrible
man i just wish i could stop thinking about this damn incident
but i can't...esp since i had that F nitemare/dream about it last nite and STILL no phone call back

i am on a collision course...i am about to collide my brain with a bullet pellet if only in my imaginary thoughts....

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:58 am

Please try to stay safe. It is understandable that you are angry. But doctors have made wrong assertions before. Just because someone thinks you are untreatable, doesn't mean you are. I do not think that threatening suicide is going to get you the answers or the help that you want. You mentioned impulsivity due to BPD--it is probably a good idea to work aggressively to overcome this tendency. It is hard to change, but I don't think you are untreatable. And I definitely think it is worth struggling through behavioral therapy, etc. to stop endangering yourself, and others. I hope you are able to find relief from the nightmares and get some real answers.

Best wishes,
b

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 4:29 am

what are you doing to be treatable? what are you doing to get yourself through? so you have bpd. your life is still yours. your actions are your own choice. what are you doing to take responsibility for your life?

mallie · Post by **mallie** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 10:06 am

Both the posts above me make really good points, it almost feels redundant to answer.

As B said, just because they say you're untreatable doesn't make it true. It may mean that they can't treat you, because they don't have the facilities or skills or patience, but that doesn't mean that there isn't someone who can.

Similarly, Plantt points out that you can take control and choose what you want to do. It doesn't mean it will be easy to take that responsibility and do what you need to in order to get through. It can still be hard, but you do have the power to make your own decisions.

I can understand you feeling bad, and angry about being told you're untreatable. I was told I couldn't be helped at one stage, and it really really hurts. Does it really matter who said it? I know it is upsetting, but maybe you should focus on trying to find someone who does think you can be treated, and getting set up with them, rather than tracking this person down. You're not horrid or unfixable. You deserve to give yourself the chance at improving things. Look after yourself.

Love Mallie.

collide · Post by **collide** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 6:09 pm

balletomane wrote:Please try to stay safe. It is understandable that you are angry. But doctors have made wrong assertions before. Just because someone thinks you are untreatable, doesn't mean you are. I do not think that threatening suicide is going to get you the answers or the help that you want. You mentioned impulsivity due to BPD--it is probably a good idea to work aggressively to overcome this tendency. It is hard to change, but I don't think you are untreatable. And I definitely think it is worth struggling through behavioral therapy, etc. to stop endangering yourself, and others. I hope you are able to find relief from the nightmares and get some real answers.

Best wishes,
b

that hospital was like my SECOND FAMILY...because i never really had one, in the sense, that my BIOLOGICAL FAMILY there was just abuse...so it's hearbreaking and i feel a sense of abandonment that SOME ppl there think i am "untreatable", and i TRUSTED some ppl there...i thought they were sending me to this other hospital because the LAST time i was there, was because i had SEIZURES and PSUDO SEIZURES and suicidal thoughts accompanying them because at first no one- neurologists kept testing me and stuff and couldn't see anything wrong...then i FINALLY made them take me to another hospital to have another EEG...then that's when they found out i had PSUEDO SEIZURES...i thought the SEIZURES was spreading to other parts of my brain...but, anyways...i thought my INSURANCE got pissed off at my Psychiatrist because he kept appealing and that's why they wouldn't admit me since Feb 2004...then later i find this out...i HATE that other hospital they keep sending me too, there's only 2 staff ppl there and they aren't knowledgeable...it does me more worse than good...

collide · Post by **collide** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 6:13 pm

plantt wrote:what are you doing to be treatable? what are you doing to get yourself through? so you have bpd. your life is still yours. your actions are your own choice. what are you doing to take responsibility for your life?

i am seeing a therapist once a week...and i have been seeing her for over 4 years now...many therapists and psychiatrists have dumped me...so it was very hard trusting her and i kept fearing she would dump me...but maybe 2 years ago i finally trust her, and KNOW she won't dump me...my INSURANCE is supposed to help find me a DBT group...i've been in one before my therapist said but i cut in the grp and they kicked me out....there was one DBT group that was nearby but at my schedule didn't work...i don't know if my INSURANCE is still looking, last time the Lady who was helping me said she'd notify me if any DBT group starts and is near to me...and more accessible......

heartonmysleave · Post by **heartonmysleave** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 9:18 pm

theres no such thing as untreatable. I've studied psychology and abnormal psychology for 5 years. there are always ways of being helped and getting help. keep safe, things will get better. you will get better. it'll just take time and strength. good luck.

help! why can't i die (sp su talk)

help! why can't i die (sp su talk)

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