inadequate cutter *SI*

its_just_me · Post by **its_just_me** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:17 am

wow...obvioulsy other people have felt this way. so it may be unessecary for me to add in my vote, but you're definately not alone in that.

katja · Post by **katja** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:05 pm

i have no idea why i feel like that but i know what your talking about.

Kaelyn · Post by **Kaelyn** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 4:01 pm

I can relate to that as well... sometimes I feel like my cuts are not good enough. That they are not bad enough to get any therapy (that I am not deserving therapy unless it is bad enough to land me in the ER)

GlassWings · Post by **GlassWings** » Wed Aug 10, 2005 5:14 pm

I know what you mean... I often think about how there are people who are much worse off than myself and that they certainly deserve help before I do. I feel like my problems are pathetic in comparison and I should stop being so pathetic and lame... it sucks to feel like that, I know. Heh...

MovingStranger · Post by **MovingStranger** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 12:06 pm

I worry that if someone sees my arm they won't believe what I have told them about my SI, because although I have been doing it for a long time, the scars from back then have gone, I only scratched, and all you can see is the recent ones, which wouldn't qualify in my opinion as 'real cutting'. I worry they would just see me as an attention seeker.

jesska · Post by **jesska** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 12:18 pm

I too can relate well to this.

On Friday i went to a party and i showed a friend of mine my cuts and he said "Oh...thats nothing....they're just scratches..."
I made up for it last night...i wanted my cuts to count as something...to be "cuts"....or however they are defined...
Grr..he's an a$$hole

narcoleptic · Post by **narcoleptic** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 3:46 am

I guess it's a little off topic but I once remember having a bad day and wanting to tell one of my friends I SI but then before getting anywhere near that point she informed me she was more depressed than I'd ever know. Competitiveness is crazy.

I've never showed anyone my scars but i have a friend who SI's and doesn't know I do it and whenever I see her scars I feel ashamed of mine because they aren't as wide or visible. I'm really too scared to show people because mine are so much smaller and not on my arms. So I guess I undderstand the feeling of inadequazy of sorts but it doesn't trigger me always.

Temporarily_fixed_it_all · Post by **Temporarily_fixed_it_all** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:48 pm

This girl at my school use to SI fer a few months..and now she lets her scars show..and they're deep and very noticable. But, i felt that since i've been a cutter longer that my friend , liz, should take note that the girl isnt much worse than me...but it ended up making me go deeper and alot more. i suppose thru out my body..i have way way way more then the girl...but her arm is so intriguing. it does become competitive..which sux. especially when yer friends start to SI...then u want to strangle them and hug them to make it better all at once. IT SUX.
<3 rin

Temporarily_fixed_it_all · Post by **Temporarily_fixed_it_all** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:57 pm

and also..no matter how full my arms can get w/ cuts and scars and such...i never feel like its enough, b/c i too am afriad of someone saying thinkin "o..those are nothing...look at emilys!!" emily's the girl i mentioned above...but i suppose i do take pride in the deep ones..which is patheitc, but true....but i cant help that...b/c later i feel ashamed..and ultra paranoid of my dad finding out...b/c he'd scold.

fifty_thousand · Post by **fifty_thousand** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 7:41 am

yeah, i haven't shown anyone my scars yet but i'm so scared if i do that they'll just be like "oh ok, is that all". sometimes i'm seriously tempted to cut really bad then show someone.

i also get nervous when a scar starts to heal and become less visible. i know its twisted thinking but that's just the way it is.

just trying to sort this through in my head and to let you all know that i feel the same way. dont know what to do about it though.

pandora · Post by **pandora** » Tue Aug 23, 2005 6:19 am

I relate very much, I have a hard time not being close to perfect at anything, it's like "oh crap, another thing I'm sh*t at, stupid me"
You are obviously not alone in feeling like this.
I think once you recognise a problem, you can begin to think about the emotions behind it and work through it, so it's not all bad !

aimee929 · Post by **aimee929** » Sun Sep 04, 2005 6:28 am

*slight SI trigger*

I can really relate to this, esp recently. I will usually go through phases where I will SI a lot, and then not at all... I recently lapsed back into doing it pretty frequently, which has a lot to do with the wreck that my life is right now.

But what I am getting at is that 2 of my best friends also SI (and we did not learn this about each other for several years)... and sometimes when we are not in the best of states, we talk about the injuries. I have always felt "inadequate" when it came to cutting. Only one SI has left a significant scar & that was more of a slip than anything. Most of the time, I tend to SI a lot at one time, but it is usually pretty shallow. I have also felt the feeling that because none of my friends noticed or I never wound up in the hospital that my SI wasn't serious.

But last summer I scratched myself in the car (on purpose) & my doctor really wanted me to see that, even if that was really "minor", it was all still SI. In a way, she was almost more bothered by that than when I usually do SI.

My doctor has never asked to see my cuts or scars, and I'm glad.

In a sick way, I am also sad to see cuts heal. I feel like it is sometimes the only reminder that I have of the fact that I am dealing with so much right now.

I hope this message hasn't been too detailed... I just wanted to say that I can relate, and that we are all trying to cope in the best way we can.

love,
Aimee

silvertears · Post by **silvertears** » Tue Sep 06, 2005 1:48 am

Wow I am so glad that is post was put up b/c I though I was a wack o ( ok Ia m but...) for feeling that way. Everything that was said on here I have felt! I am soo glad to know that I am not alone!!
I am so thankful for BUS!

drowner · Post by **drowner** » Tue Sep 06, 2005 2:17 am

it's sorta the same for me. I don't really intend to scar more than just to inflict pain, so besides some older scars, I really don't have that many very noticable scars. When I come out to someone that I SI, I imagine them looking at my arms and legs thinking "that's all? Well, she must not be that serious....". And I know it's not a competition, but I can't help feeling that way.

chloe312 · Post by **chloe312** » Tue Sep 06, 2005 9:11 pm

think this thread is amazin,
i felt so bad, almost guilty wen i felt like that. at me therapy a medical student sat in on the convo and basicly sed well its not that bad, ur not doin nethin major. i jst felt like i had to then prove that it was "that bad" and it is "major". its not an attention thing i jst cudnt bear the thought of people thinkin i do it wen things arent even bad. was a major trigger, but then i thnk ne response to my scars has triggered me. stay safe x

kate_ · Post by **kate_** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:21 pm

wow i had no idea that people were still posting on this thread, i started it a long time ago...it's good to see that we can relate to eachother though, that helps a ton just feeling like we're not alone.

speaking of inadequate cutters though, if someone asks me the last time i cut i'll tell them 2 weeks ago...it was a horrible episode, one of the worst times in terms of how serious the injuries were..but maybe a week ago i tried to SI, cut myelf a few times but stopped because i felt i just couldn't do it well enough. i didn't deserve to SI if i couldn't make it serious enough, or didn't have enough guts to take it too far...so i just like omit that from my memory. i'm not proud of the fact i SI, but i am especially ashamed of those times when i'm just not good enough at it.

whatever187 · Post by **whatever187** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:53 pm

i can totally relate to that...one example of many times is when i went into the er for a specific cut and they described the others as superficial(sp?) I dont know why but it made me feel like i wanted to make the other cuts just as bad as the other.

bus

inadequate cutter SI

sounds so familiar

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