Before (struggling with motivation)

Stellaria · Post by **Stellaria** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 9:29 am

The situation: I'm feeling very discouraged.
Tried to look online for courses. I need to do something to get out of this rut. Everything looks too hard, or it's full time and I can't finance it, even if I had the energy for it, which I don't.
Was reading some threads on what people have gained from stopping to SI, looking for some inspiration, but it had the opposite effect.
Have been feeling quite low lately and don't know what to do about it.

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I don't think it would change much. Though hurting myself would serve as a distraction.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring a physical injury that I know how to care for.
It would bring a sense of control and identity.
It would bring fear of what I do to myself.
It would bring pride for being ruthless.
It would bring worry and guilt about my boyfriend's reaction

It would take away some of the pressure I feel that because I haven't cut for a while (4.5 months), my life ought to be somehow better and I ought to have made some progress. Make me feel less like a failure and bad person.
It would take away some of the emptiness.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I wish I could feel inspired. I wish I could want life. I wish I wanted to exist for my own sake, could value myself.

Hurting myself won't help. Not hurting myself doesn't seem to help either. I guess it doesn't matter.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I don't know, it could last a few hours or days. Then I would probably be back at hurting myself again.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Just go about my day I guess. Make breakfast, do some housework, do a piece of paperwork I need done, take a walk or go to the gym, make dinner, watch a movie... I can't think of anything interesting or constructive to do. Or I guess I can't make myself interested in things.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself, I will feel a mix of numb and disturbed.
If I don't, I will probably feel the same as I do now.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I honestly don't know. But since I don't really really really want to hurt myself, I guess I won't.

Post by **Jomomma** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 9:39 am

I'm sorry you're feeling poopy
I can definitely relate to some of what you said

I don't think it would change much. Though hurting myself would serve as a distraction.

Can you think of a 3 other distractions that may work for the time being?

I honestly don't know. But since I don't really really really want to hurt myself, I guess I won't.

I'm glad you don't really really really want to.

Stellaria · Post by **Stellaria** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 9:54 am

Thank you for replying, Jo.

I can keep myself distracted. Go take care of the laundry, play computer games, listen to music, eat, do something with my son when he drags himself out of bed...

I guess what I find hard is to come up with things with the same emotional intensity as hurting myself. I want something that kicks me so hard it numbs me out.

Maybe I will go swimming in the sea, it's kind of chilly now because it's windy.

Post by **Jomomma** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 9:56 am

As I was reading this I was gonna suggest a cold shower but a cold swim would be better.

Just for kicks drag your son out of bed and make him go with you.

it may not have the same intensity but it might be fun to see the look on his face

Stellaria · Post by **Stellaria** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:03 am

LOL! He utterly refuses to go swimming anywhere under any circumstances...

Boyfriend may be convinced, though. Once he gets out of bed (these boys are hopeless night owls)

Meanwhile, I will go have a hot and cold shower. Can't hurt.

Post by **Jomomma** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:05 am

I hope the shower makes you feel better.
Make a lot of noise while you are in there and make the guys wake up

Stellaria · Post by **Stellaria** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:35 pm

I felt sort of physically better after the shower even if mentally more or less in the same place. Funny.

Anyway, got the guys up now and talked a little to b/f about how things are, which helped some for the moment at least.

One moment at a time, eh. Will keep busy the rest of the day.

Thanks for talking to me, Jo.

Post by **Jomomma** » Mon Aug 01, 2005 5:05 am

I hope you had a good day

Before (struggling with motivation)

Before (struggling with motivation)

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