Before (close to messing up)

[NobodyToYou]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
There is no situation to change. But I will feel...relief. I will probably feel a few moments of satisfaction and control before the guilt hits.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
there is no situation...no reason for urges to be so severe right now.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel...no. Really, I don't want to feel. That may be why SI seems so attractive right now. I want to be calm, able to focus, productive. I want to be the way I used to be...SI could get me there for a few minutes. But then I will probably feel much worse...although I dont' know.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Logically, it doesn't seem like the best option. I know better. But I still find myself about an inch from SI before I can stop myself. I am telling myself it would be a bad choice, that it is moving away from my goals, that I don't really want to do this. But I still find myself moving closer and closer to SI before I can force myself to stop. And I am very close now...dont' know if I can get through...can't seem to make my brain control the rest of me.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I don't know. I am trying to post. I have slept, posted in place, read other people's posts, watched TV, had hot chocolate, and worked on homework (well...I tried). So far nothing is changing and the urges are getting worse. Don't know what else to try...nothing seems to matter.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I don't know. If the SI manages to numb the feelings, I may not feel anything. If it doesn't, I will feel horribly guilty, a huge sense of failure, nad probably strong SU urges. But I am already feeling them...and I will see my T, so he could help me deal with them. I don't know.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know. My mind says I want to stay safe. But something else (not sure what) really doesn't want to. And it wants SI...really intensly. I don't know...getting very hard to hold on...and I haven't even made a week yet.

[eunomia]

I am trying to post. I have slept, posted in place, read other people's posts, watched TV, had hot chocolate, and worked on homework (well...I tried). So far nothing is changing and the urges are getting worse. Don't know what else to try...nothing seems to matter.

it obviously does matter, because you've posted here and on main - a part of you really wants to get through this. hang on to that part of yourself.
can you try other things? maybe something more physical like ripping up paper? is there anyone irl you can talk to?
hang in there

[NobodyToYou]

Thank you so much for replying...
No one IRL to turn to...no one knows. Not sure anyone would care except my family, and they would care way too much.
I will try ripping up some paper. Maybe it will help...I don't know. I can't figure out what I am feeling, other than very urgy...don't know what approach to take ot deal with it.
Now feeling slightly panicked because due to bad weather, my school is closed tomorrow. And that probably means my appointment with my T gets cancelled...not good.
Thank you again...

[eunomia]

have you looked through laura's huuuuuge list of coping alternatives?
viewtopic.php?t=34500
might be something in there that helps (and just reading through it all should be a distraction )
i know that it's tough when you don't know *why* you're feeling so urgey

[NobodyToYou]

going to try to sleep again. A few minutes of escape...hopefully no more bad dreams.
Thanks for answering

[fire.bird]

NobodyToYou:

this jumped out at me, reading your post:

I want to be calm, able to focus, productive.

that really strikes a chord with me. SI produces the same effect in me, and i used to feel i had no choice but to SI when i had work to get done and just couldn't seem to focus any other way (mostly because i was so distracted with thoughts of SI -- vicious cycle).

you say you don't know *why*, in this particular instance, the urge is so strong ... do you have work to do right now? is there some specific project/homework/whatever for school you need to get done? or perhaps is there some more generalized anxiety about school, getting things done on time, etc.?

i guess what i'm trying to get at is that the word "productive", especially, implies that there's something you want to get done that isn't done. and that maybe figuring out what that source of stress is might help you some in figuring out where the urge to SI so strongly is coming from right now.

but on the other hand, i noticed another thing ... you said that it's "only been six days." do you mean you're trying to stop, and it's been six days since you last SIed?

because if that's the case ... applaud yourself for coming this far, hon, and then be a little gentle with yourself in asking why the urge is so strong. a lot of times, when you're trying to stop, the urge is so strong precisely *because* you're trying to stop. is that a possibility? do you want to talk a little more about it?

i hope you're doing ok today. hang in there.


~b

[NobodyToYou]

Yes, schoolwork is always there. I guess the pressure is getting a bit more intense because in resisting urges all weekend (yuck yuck yuck) I have gotten almost nothing done on homework. I have to get some small stuff done because it is due this week. But the big projects are getting scary because a lot of them are due very soon...and none of them are started. So, probably some of the stress is from that. But I don't think it is a lot more of a problem than usual...schoolwork has been a problem this whole semester.

I have gone six days today. This is probably the longest I have gone since I started SIing regularly, probably before thanksgiving. I know I have had more trouble with SU urges since I don't have SI to help shut off the emotions... I am kinda feelng trapped in a lot of ways. I REALLY need to stop SI and get past this now (probably don't want to discuss those reasons right now...it upsets me). But I also need to finish school. And with urges this intense and long lasting (when do they stop? ) I am not sure I can do both. But I don't really feel I have a choice...must somehow get everything done and get healthy at the same time.
I know this is probably normal. It is just...frustrating. I am not liking the me I become without SI. Of course, I don't like the one with SI either... But I don't like feeling weak and out of control and needy. And right now I am feeling that I am all of those and more besides.
Ok...not sure what else to say or how to say it...so I will stop.

[fire.bird]

Ok...not sure what else to say or how to say it...so I will stop.

you don't have to stop. i hear you.

i've said it already, but your post reminds me very, very much of me when i was in school. especially this part:

I am kinda feelng trapped in a lot of ways. I REALLY need to stop SI and get past this now ...[snip]...But I also need to finish school. And with urges this intense and long lasting (when do they stop? ) I am not sure I can do both. But I don't really feel I have a choice...must somehow get everything done and get healthy at the same time.

remember something: you always have a choice. always. it may not be a choice you like, or one you feel is acceptable, or one you feel you can handle. but you always have a choice. i felt trapped, too, in school, especially high school when i was still living with my family. i felt just like you described ... i had to do x,y, and z, absolutely had to, had no choice. and things really started to get better for me when i started learning that i did have choices, always, and the power to choose them -- even when it didn't feel like it.

i know that's a lot easier said than done. i really do. but i guess what i'm driving at is that, for me, the biggest impediment to my stopping SI was feeling like i HAD to stop and also HAD to keep performing at my absolute best, at the same time. it was a pressure cooker... it just kept cycling into worse urges, because the fact is that it is REALLY HARD to stop SI ... and since it's your main way to cope with stress, it's also really hard to learn how to do everything else without it. so trying to do all that at the same time ... is expecting yourself to be superhuman. which you're not. and don't have to be. you get to be human, too, just like everybody else. and this is a really hard and really brave thing you're trying to do.

i'm sorry if this sounds discouraging ... i don't mean it to. i don't mean to be just telling you that you're in the situation you're in, which you obviously already know. i guess i just hear a lot of myself in your post, and it really strikes a chord with me -- because i wish more than anything that i'd had someone tell me then that what i was trying to do really was hard, and it really was ok that i couldn't to everything all at the same time perfectly, that i was still good and worthwhile and valuable and loved even if i couldn't make straight A's and while attempting to quit using the coping skill that had allowed me to make them for so long in the first place. so i'm trying to say to you what i didn't hear.

i'm just going to throw out a suggestion for you, and it may or may not be helpful … but i think it might be.

can you make a list of your possible choices – your possible courses of action -- right now? all of them … even the ones you feel like aren't choices? make it fun … make it as outlandish as you like. like this:

I COULD…

1. Continue to perform at my absolute best in all areas while simultaneously quitting SI. (Get into MIT and Juilliard. Attend both. Win Nobel prize.)
2. Continue to perform at my absolute best in all areas, but continue SIing in order to do it.
3. Keep trying to quit SIing. Quit school in order to do it. (Run away to join Fruititarian Society. Engage in cult consumption of peaches. Discover Nirvana.)
4. Keep trying to quit SIing. Talk to someone trusted at school about lightening schoolwork load in order to do it.
5. Keep trying to quit SIing. Keep current schoolwork load, but talk to someone trusted at school about extending deadlines or other options in order to lessen stress.
6. Stay in current situation indefinitely.
7. Forget the whole question entirely. Hop a cargo freighter to Antarctica. Do janitorial work for environmental research station. Fall in love with the aurora borealis and never return home.


do you see what I mean? list it out for yourself. have fun with it. sometimes making lists like that – especially humorous ones -- really helps gain some distance on the situation – alleviates that horrible trapped feeling, even if just a little bit. and then go through and mark out the options that are simply impossible or totally undesirable (like the "stay in current situation indefinitely" option, for instance – that's obviously not acceptable. or the peaches. ). and then see what you're left with.

hang in there. i know it feels like it will never get better. but it does.


~b