Fighting daily thoughts of SU

[Oblivion]

Im not coping anymore. Dailiy i am desperately wishing i was dead. Ive even given myself till the end of August and if i still feel this strongly then i will give in. I have no strength to fight anymore. Im not strong enough to do it. Last night i sent an e-mail to my friend James which was only two sentences long saying i was tired of fighting but it ended up going to everyone in my e-mail account. Three people whom i havent seen in a very long time came to my door but i couldnt let them in as i was covered in blood as i had cut very badly. There is no point in being alive anymore. It hurts too much. Im supposed to be christian and i have been taught that when i SU then i go to hell, but now i dont care if i go to hell because if god was as caring as he is supposed to be then why have ai gone through so much suffering? He is supposed to not give people any more than they can carry, yet i cant carry it and he doesnt help. I have no faith in god anymore, no faith in life and no faith in people.

[mallie]

Please Spencer, I urge you not to set a limit on when you need to be better by. The problem with that is that getting from feeling suicidal to feeling more able to cope is something that takes time, and has ups and downs on the way. What if you are making good progress, but the last few days in August you're feeling really low? The problem with feeling depressed or down or suicidal, is that it can be really hard to pull up other memories. It is actually more difficult to remember things that don't fit with your mood [if you want to know more about that, do a search on mood congruent memory it is fascinating stuff]. As well, it can be really hard to see your own progress with things like that. If you're coping better than you are now, that doesn't mean you won't feel sad, or struggle sometimes, or still want to die some of the time.

As for coping better, what are you doing now to try and improve how you're coping now? Are you seeing a counsellor to talk to? What about going and seeing a religious minister of your faith? What do you enjoy?

[Oblivion]

The only way i can stop myself from SU now is by setting myself a limit. I have hunted for some kinda counselling here in Falkirk but there is nothing available. the nearest is in Glasgow or Aberdeen and i dont drive. I havent been to my doctor and im trying to solve it on my own as i dont want any kinda medication.

My coping methods were:
Call a friend - did this and she told me to stop attention seeking and upsetting her (even though she told me to call her). The next time she noticed i had cut she moaned at me for not calling her first!
Emergency box - kinda tend to forget about this until i have cut.
Exercise - only works when im angry enough. When i feel low like this i struggle to get up and out the house.

I dont knwo who to turn to within my faith and since i have no faith just now i think it would anger me to hear some minister giving me the usual christian lines. My Pastor doesnt know and wouldnt understand as he believes that if someone has stepped out of Gods will then asking for forgiveness makes it all better. We are healed instantly and counseslling isnt required.

[mallie]

Perhaps trying to solve everything on your own isn't the best idea. Talking to your doctor would be a good idea, even if you don't want medication. They might know of resources for counselling that you haven't come across, or even be able to talk to you themselves. Its worth trying before dismissing it.

What about trying writing about your feelings? Either in a paper journal, or on here?

[Laura]

Sorry you're in such a bad way at the moment.

How about keeping the things you do to SI with in or with your emergency box? That way you can't forget the emergency box before you SI.
For someone to talk to about your faith, you could try the helpline Crossline. I'm pretty sure they will be experienced in talking to people who have SU thoughts.
And yeah, your GP may well know of counselling options nearer you. There are usually many services that are only available with a doctor's referral. Falkirk has a big hospital so it would be extraordinary if there were no talking treatments in the area.
Also, don't forget the Samaritans - phone, postal and email support, and face-to-face support (which people often don't realise is available). There's a branch in Falkirk, you can go there for a chat.

Please don't give up, and keep posting.
Laura