I talked about it with my freiend yesterday, and I was ok, but we talked about blood and everything and shared scars and stuff. I got an email today from my mom's ex boyfriend whom has my dog and I miss, who was always there for me because he was in AA and he'd give me coins. He reminded me it has been a year and a half since I last cut. I had completely forgotten, litterally I had to think a second what the heck he was talking about when he said aniversairy. I was talking to my (guy)friend, who is on the other side of the country, and the conversation some how got to the end of the world and ect and it made me upset. And then I went to post secret and there was a postcard with "I miss cutting" on it and a picture of the special razor blades I used one of the last times I cut. I realized that I miss cutting.
# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I don't know. I feel this way all the time. But I ignore it I guess. But the idea is not going away. It keeps coming back, I can't ignore it forever. The idea that cutting is no worse than some of the other things I do, it's safer to cut than to binge drink or risk getting caught smoking pot, or smoking cancer sticks. Why do I deny myself the coping skill I know works best? I've gotten through it but I don't know I want to have this same arguement with myself over and over again.
# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've smoked, or drank, or taken risks or gone out partying or ignored it. It's not going away. None of those things don't hurt me. Nothing I can do that won't hurt me will bring relief, it'll just push the feelings inside.
# How do I feel right now?
Calm. Rational, but slightly paniced. Scared and alone, but feeling like cutting is the most logical, natural thing in the world. Like it makes perfect sense and it's stupid to struggle with it.
# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
guilty at first and then so relieved. The kind of relief I haven't felt in a year and a half. The kind of relief I used to live off of. The kind of relief that can almost overide the guilt.
# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Guilt and angry at everyone else for not understanding and making me feel guilty. Feeling like I shouldn't feel guilty. The only reason I feel guilty is because of other peoples ideas of sanity and coping, because mine aren't the same as theirs.
# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't because life is the stressor. There is stress in life. Hurting is a way to deal with it. Stressors can't be avoided, they must be dealt with. And hurting myself is the most effective way to do that at this point.
# Do I need to hurt myself?
1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I won't feel so fake an helpless. I'll feel like I can deal with my own problems. I won't feel like I'm dependant on everyone else to emotionally survive. I'll feel like I'm in control of the world. I'll confident in myself and I'll feel safe in my own skin because I know how to deal with my own problems. I'll feel like I'm actually doing what it is I'm already so stigmatized for. But like I'll have something hidden, something that's my own. Something no one can take from me.
2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring guilt but it will also bring relief. It will take away the other more dangerous factors, wanting to binge drink, or ED behavior or Suicidal feelings and all that. And if people figure it out it will take away the lies that I am better and I am ok and I am sane and things are cool. It will let me be the victim again. It will feel like I've been punished for the
"assult" that happened because I was really drunk that has been coming up in my head all the f***ing time.
3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I'll feel more self dependant and less needy and less stupid and less weak. I'll feel safe. And I'll regret it at the same time. And I'll be upset at myself. But maybe I'll actually get things done. I spend so f***ing much time fighting off my feelings and fighting back the urges and I'll be able to have a solid release so that it doesn't leak out everywhere else.
4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It'll last untill I fall asleep. And If I can stop myself from feeling guilty it'll last for a long time and I'll be free of fighting. I've been "clean" for a year and a half, I know I can do it. I don't want to anymore. The challenge has completely lost it's appeal. It just seems pointless now. I wanna feel I'm so fucking sick of being dumb. I'm sick of not feeling real. It'll bring relief from this fantasy world I feel like I'm stuck in where everything is ok except the one little voice screaming bloody murder somewhere in me that's being muted by medication.
5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Play video games, that will last a few hours. I could just play video games for weeks on end, but I have other things I HAVE to get done and I have to do them, I can't distract myself all the time because I end up distracting myself from real life entirley and nothing gets done and when the real world gets back in I'm worse off than I was because everything is the same expcpt I have the same amount of work to do and much less time.
6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel alive tomorrow if I hurt myself. If I don't tomorrow will be like every other day, I'll wake up numb and fall asleep dumb.
7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
self injuring
I could ask somebody for help, spending time with someone would help. But then I'd feel needy and stupid, and pathetic and weak and sick.
I could do art work. I could do artwork. I could do art work. I should do art work. I should do art work. I should do art work. I should so artwork.
