before (or perhaps instead)

[herebedragons]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I don't think it will change much other than making me feel better. No one will notice and so it won't affect anyone else and I don't think it will matter all that much to me later. But it would make me feel better right now.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Not much. Right now I don't really see it as a big thing. But I am here typing about it instead of doing it so there must be something important about it. I don't sit here typing a "before' when I feel like having a fudgesicle or washing the dishes. I don't know.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

In the long run. The long run. It's a hell of a long run isn't it? In the long run I want to know that I tried my best to be the best mother and wife I could be. I guess hurting myself doesn't really fit with that goal. I should be more content.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Relief..hmm? A week? It seems to last until it starts to heal up. So I guess it depends upon the extent of the injury.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could listen to music, wash dishes, play with the kids, or read them a story.
that change would last until that task is done

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

numb tired lonely worthless

numb tired lonely worthless

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to be totally different than I am

I sometimes wonder if I have that instinct. I obviously do though, I'm still alive.

How can I honor that self-protective instinct. I can answer more questions.

[herebedragons]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I'm lonely, my kids aren't getting along today, I was supposed to get some respite time but she canceled because there was a thunderstorm earlier today and she thought there might be another one and she wanted to be at home instead of in our house. I feel ugly, I'm tired, I feel like a bad mom because my kids are fighting, I'm sad that they aren't getting along, I'm lonely, I miss my friends and family in Iowa, I miss my friends and family in AZ. My Grandma asked if we could come down there to visit and we can't afford to. I feel guilty because I want to see them and I don't know how much longer they will be around. I'm tired of just existing all the time. I feel like everything I do is just to get through or to get us through and it will always be this way.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes I get this way every once in a while. I just am sad about it for a while and then I get past it and try not to think about it and try to make friends here.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

typed

I'm crying but I don't want to I don't want anyone to know that I'm upset it will just upset them.

How do I feel right now?

lonely, ugly, tired, bad, unlovable

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

all I will feel is the injury it will be a relief. it would be a relief.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll feel numb and calm and of course be in physical pain but be back on track. Efficiant again, able to cope with everything.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No I just need to deal with it.

Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know. I wish there were more questions.

[herebedragons]

I was supposed to get some respite time but she canceled because there was a thunderstorm earlier today and she thought there might be another one and she wanted to be at home instead of in our house.

I think I might be mad. Or disappointed. I wanted a break today, it was a long day inside with the kids being grumpy with each other and then having a long storm in the afternoon which wrecked our plans to get out of the house and severely limited what we were doing in the house (electric kept flickering, there was quite a lot of lightning so I didn't want the kids on the computers.) Then the storm went away and after it cleared up my SIL showed up but just to drop off a movie she had promised to bring with to show the kids while she watched them. But she didn't watch them which is just as well because it would have made making supper harder because of her low carb diet. But it was still ok I figured I would get a break by taking back a video that was due but then my husband did it because it was quicker. So I thought ok I'd get a break by watching this funny show we have taped but my husband didn't feel like it he wanted to dink around on the computer instead and watch movie previews and stuff which is fine. But then he went to sleep early and so now instead of just trying to keep the kids from killing each other I've had to keep them from waking him up and I'm jealous because I'm tired.

And I feel like my options are very limited. And I mean that in the broadest sense.

[Jomomma]

As a mother I can completely understand the feelings of failur when things don't work out the way we think they should.
I have been doing this parenting thing for many years now and I still don't have the faintest idea of what the hell I'm doing.

I know how much of a stressor my daughter can be and I hate to admit it but there are times when she can be a trigger as well.

At those times I started to do somethign that I hope one day will help her as a mother.


I write in a journal of sorts.
It is not a private one but one just for her.
When I am having a horrible time or she is doing something I write in it just as a way to sort out my thoughts and a way for her, in the future, to understand why I did some of the things I did.
I can look back and see whare I have succeeded and failed and see hwo things have changed for both of us.

[herebedragons]

And my son was very clingy and grumpy and anxious because of the storm. He got on a tangent about being afraid that the house would burn down (not just today but at any point in the future) and needed me to reassure him again and again of what the plan would be and kept presenting me with other senerios to solve. And that's partly a kid thing but I know a lot of it is to do with his anxiety disorder which he gets from me. I feel somewhat illogically guilty for that, for passing that on to him.

[Jomomma]

Oooops
I almost hit the edit button instead of the quote button
I need to be more careful

I feel somewhat illogically guilty for that, for passing that on to him.

I hear that
I see my daughter and I know without a doubt that it is my genes that made her that way.
I feel responsible and guilty for making a child that way and unleashing her on the world.
Then
All of a sudden
She does something so wonderful that I am glad she is in the world and that others can see how great she is.
But
When she is like that I dan't take responsibility for that.
It is all her at those times.
Illogical?
Yes
But isn't a lot of parenting?

[herebedragons]

Thank you for replying, a journal is a great idea. I used to journal but have fallen out of the habit, I tried it earlier today but couldn't put together what I wanted to say.

I may try again later.

[herebedragons]

Illogical?
Yes
But isn't a lot of parenting?

heh, so true.

[Jomomma]

I think we need to get together and write a real parenting book
A book with the truth not all that candy coated stuff we get now.
The good the bad and the ugly of parenting

[herebedragons]

I know how much of a stressor my daughter can be and I hate to admit it but there are times when she can be a trigger as well.

Yes, I really really don't want this to be true but I think I'm freaking out partly because this is the second day of summer and already they are on each other's nerves and so I'm thinking this is how the whole summer will be- my kids will fight and be miserable, I will never get a break, my husband will come home too tired to be social with me or help with the kids and I will just be tired and lonely and frustrated all the time. I know that's all or nothing thinking or something but I'm having trouble stopping and I run with it in my mind without meaning to and am at least partly convinced that my children will end up hating each other and me and my husband will hate me as well for not doing a better job with the children. And I can see that and say "I know that's extreme and not likely" but it doesn't stop me from feeling that it's true. And that's just stupid.

[herebedragons]

I think we need to get together and write a real parenting book
A book with the truth not all that candy coated stuff we get now.
The good the bad and the ugly of parenting

Yeah someone on another board said today that if you asked "any mother" of a disabled child if raising that child was rewarding she would say that it was. And I was sooo tempted (though they don't know about my kiddos there) to say post in disagreement. Because utilmately, sure it's rewarding to have my kids but on the day to day? It can be hella thankless and daunting and seemingly endless work. That's what gets me the most, I have no guarentee that things will ever get better, in fact in some ways my daughter is getting harder to deal with (due to puberty, which she would anyway but developmentally in many ways she's still a toddler so I get the best of both worlds). WHICH PART IS SO DAMNED REWARDING? The part where she still has toileting accidents or the part where she gets kicked out of school on a fairly regular basis for hitting her teachers? And I love my daughter, I love my kids I really do but sometimes I see someone say that or they say something about how parents of special needs kids are noble or pacient or blessed and I just want to scream. Because I'm so not. I have no special abilities, I have no special pacience (lord I barely have any nonspecial pacience.)

My kids are a blessing but my life is not a damned Hallmark Hall of Fame special movie.

[herebedragons]

You know maybe that's what started the ball rolling. Maybe reading about how rewarding I find my job as the parent of a special needs child wasn't what I needed with my Post Toasties this morning. G*d I'm a flake.

[Jomomma]

WHICH PART IS SO DAMNED REWARDING?

I ask myself that damn near every day.
I try and try to figure out what it is that is supposed to be so great and when the good starts to happen.
The I will be in a store and an elderly lady will drop somethign and Aubrianna walks over and picks it up for her.
Kids at my daughters school had their house burn down and she comes home and immediately startys to look through her stuff to give them since they have nothing.
Aubrianna just walks up to me and sits in my lap and says "I love you"
These are not huge events and they are definitely few and far between sometimes btu they do happen.
I have learned to hold on to the few excelent times and when things are incredibly bad I try to lok back at them and tell myself "It isn't always bad"

Dealing with special needs kids is harder than many people can possibly understand and those on the outside do see those of us doing this as special.
In a way I have to agree.
Not everyone would raise a special needs kid. Look at those in foster care.
There are a huge number of kids sitting there just because their birth parents didn't feel they could handle it.

The way I see it, you have done signifigantly better than other parents
You brought your kids in the world and do what you can when you can for their benefit.
Doesn't get any better than that.

[herebedragons]

Thank you so much, chatting with you last night really helped.