I slipped... kinda, I think.

[cb_47]

Yes, I really am that confused. I have a knick on my thumb that I know I did (and I have memory of doing, so I'm not talking about dissociating here). What's confusing me is that I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I was really happy to reach 3 months, and I have a few other milestones coming up this month that I was excited about. I was having a good day... I wasn't feeling at all urgy.

I was cleaning my room and found the first tool I used... I threw it away. Then later I found another one... I started to throw it away, but then I just... gouged my thumb with it. For absolutely no apparent reason. When I was done, I threw it away like nothing had ever happened, but about 15 minutes later I realized what I'd done, and now I'm just disgusted with myself.

I didn't want to SI, why did I?

[NobodyToYou]

I don't know what to tell you...but I understand. SI is often an impulsive thing, and I can understand how having a tool in your hand could be too much to resist. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have been doing really well...I hope you feel better soon.

[cb_47]

Except what I keep coming back to is that... There was no impulse. There was no decision, or anything. The term "autopilot" would apply here... which I suppose means I was dissociating a little. I'm just glad I realized what was happening before I drew blood... that's always the defining point for me.