My first 'before'

[Lynn]

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I just want to. I have to make homework but I don't want to. I have to be punished because I don't want to. I'm bored and nothing matters. Everything seems grey... and I am stupid because it's not that bad. And I'm in the middle of a hormone-attack.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Sort of. I filled in the questionnaire and spend some time with that. Once I made a drawing and I broke something.

3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I listened to music, I ate chocolate and I tried to see positive stuff too.

4. How do I feel right now?

I feel... sad. I feel stupid. I feel bad.

5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Distracted. How I feel on the inside will be visible on the outside and I won't be stupid anymore.

6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Afterwards I'll probably feel guilty for giving in. But calmer too.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No.

8. Do I need to hurt myself?

I hope not.

[VowsOfSadness]

You may feel "stupid" right now, but I'm sure you're not. Why is it specifically you think you are stupid? Why not take a break from you're homework, go out, even if just for a walk, then later come back to it, do it in ten or 15 minute intervals. You say you feel the need to punish your self (I often feel teh same way too), but why punish your self? Why not comfort yourself as you would someone else. Try coloring again if that helped.

~*~Vows~*~

[plantt]

a want is just a want. so you don't want to do homework.... you can do it anyhow. just as although you want to si... you don't have to. wants are just wants. they're not actions.

and I am stupid because it's not that bad.
I have to be punished because I don't want to
--what are you doing to challenge those thoughts?

I'm in the middle of a hormone-attack.
--hormones can really make things more difficult at times...


How I feel on the inside will be visible on the outside and I won't be stupid anymore
--a cure for stupidness? if 'stupid' is such a temporary thing... then what are the chances that the thought that you're stupid would pass eventually without hurting yourself?
do feelings need to be visible on the outside? what could you do to do things to express your feelings in visible ways... without hurting yourself?

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No.
--really? there's no possible way to ever deal better with it?

sounds like things are a bit rough for you atm. i'm sorry they are. hang in there

[Lynn]

Thanks for your replies

and I am stupid because it's not that bad.
I have to be punished because I don't want to
--what are you doing to challenge those thoughts?

Well I always try to challenge the 'I am stupid' thought. But what I meant with stupid is that I tend to think I'm exaggerating (sp?) things. I don't know a nice English word for that... And I usually try to think 'I don't feel well, and my feelings are real, no matter what caused them'. However, the I am stupid thought is hard to get rid of! And it always comes back.. My T told me several times that that thought/feeling lies very 'deep' in me. And the wants are indeed not actions.. I guess I can be really hard on myself.

How I feel on the inside will be visible on the outside and I won't be stupid anymore
--a cure for stupidness? if 'stupid' is such a temporary thing... then what are the chances that the thought that you're stupid would pass eventually without hurting yourself?
do feelings need to be visible on the outside? what could you do to do things to express your feelings in visible ways... without hurting yourself?

I actually meant with 'won't be stupid anymore' that it would be like a validation of feeling this way... to prove that I felt bad enough to SI. I guess feelings don't have to be visible on the outside. Feelings are feelings and if I feel them they are real. <-- it's just so damn hard to hold on to that thought.. I tend to think my feelings are deceiving me and they are not real. That's a thought that always comes back too. And I'm not that good at expressing my feelings yet, so I don't know what I could do.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No.
--really? there's no possible way to ever deal better with it?

Well I don't know. It's so hard to change my thoughts. But I guess it's possible...

Update: I didn't SI, and big chance that I won't in the next week because I have school. Today I'm 78 days SI free with 1 slip.

[plantt]

*nods* it is VERY difficult to change thoughts.
ahh ok.. yeah. i do that too... that if i act on the urges then i obviously must feel worse & things must be harder... than if i don't act on the urges. it *is* flawed thinking... it's really difficult to remember that though.
i'm glad you didn't si... congrats on 78 days

[balletomane]

i am glad you didn't SI. i can relate to the not wanting to do homework thing. recently i've been trying to really break up the assignments and take lots of breaks. that has made it far less overwhelming. i also like giving myself rewards for everything i do manage to accomplish, even if i don't finish absolutely everything. something is better than nothing. i also like to move from task to task (eg a bit of english then some math). Even though under normal circumstances that isn't very efficient, it reduces my boredom. hope some of this helps. homework is evil.