before

[kate_]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i've been triggery for a few days now..anxiety and stuff. but i just found out that the last friend i trusted has turned on me too.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i haven't felt this angry in awhile..at least not when i'm triggered, but the anxiety part...it's the same. drugs fixed it sometimes..but i just felt shittier. i'm not triggered to use though, only to cut. last time i just got too tired to even bother, so i went to bed instead. i'm not tired today.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i haven't done much, i just need to let it out. i don't know how else to do it...i don't want to do it any other way. i haven't SI'ed yet because i dont have blades with me...i want MY blades. maybe i can go home in a few hours...wonder if it will have passed then.


How do I feel right now?
angry, anxious, i can feel the energy flowing through me. i'm about to lose it, i need a way to let go of things..to get it out. i need to hurt and bleed but mostly just hurt.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
upset, maybe calmer. i'll probably cry, i need to cry though. might go numb if i'm lucky.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i'll feel a lot more relieved and relaxed afterwards. i hope i don't have a doc appt tomorrow, i usually have them on mondays. if i do i'll cancel it so i don't have to show him my arms. tomorrow i'll be sore, but not sorry. less triggery than i have been the past few days


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i don't know how to avoid it. i can probably deal with it better...like calling my T or a friend to talk about it...or find some distractions...but i don't think i want to avoid it this time.


Do I need to hurt myself?
i absolutely feel i need to. i need to let this out somehow and it's the best way. and i just want to hurt. i want to bleeeeeeeeed. omg i'm going crazy, i'm getting panicky. great. nothing ever goes right.

[plantt]

i don't want to do it any other way.
but not sorry.
i don't think i want to avoid it this time.
i absolutely feel i need to
--those bits... make me wonder why you bothered to post answers to the questions. if you actually want to stop si or not. if you want to think through the 'why's or simply get to the 'ok now i can act'.
my guess... would be that part of you does want to avoid si. or you'd have already acted on it. you'd not have taken the time to answer the questions.
the more something is acted on... the more it feels like a 'need'. even though it really is still a choice. the 'i don't want to do it any other way.' leads me to believe that you know that. & it's simply easier to say 'i need to'.

what's keeping you from calling a friend? & finding distractions? or did you manage to do those things?
what other ways do you use to cope with feeling angry and anxious?

it is tough. i can relate to feeling like not wanting to avoid acting on urges. of wanting to & finding things so tough that it feels like a 'need'. it is tough. i believe you can get through it.

[kurdt_kobain]

I agree with planett.

I can relate a lot to certain parts of your post--for a long time whenever I would get triggered, I would get very, very tense. As in I could feel so much energy pouring through my body that I just wanted to scream and dissolve into tears and my head would pound and I just needed to let it OUT.

One day I tried something really stupid though--exercise. I know it sounds really trite and cliche, but just going swimming or for a run can kill that feeling. Also you can use it to get a sense of pain--I would constantly swim the extra laps that I thought would make me collapse just to feel that burn in my legs.

It took longer than cutting would, but it also made me tired so I just hit the bed. You said sleeping it off helps you. Things always do look better in the morning.

I also read in a magazine, Seventeen actually, of a move to trigger your nerve system to release endorphines. You take your left hand and pinch your right hand right above that fleshy part between your thumb and forefinger. For thirty seconds, you move it in a circle, counterclockwise. It's always worked for me during exams.

Have you tried to prepare a CD, maybe, of just happy songs and stuff that can calm you down? Maybe make a box with a stuffed animal and a CD with, say, Joy to the World by Three Dog Night or any song that could just calm you down. It's always good to have something to distract you. Prepare it ahead of time.

Take good care of yourself. You're strong enough to fight urges.

[Wandering]

Hey. I know this is a bit late, but I'm guessing you'll be in similar situations again, so here's some more thoughts

i'll probably cry, i need to cry though

i need a way to let go of things..to get it out

i need to hurt and bleed but mostly just hurt.

Ok, well it is possible to learn to cry, 'get it out' of you, and hurt without cutting yourself. None of those things justifies SI, even though it may seem the obvious thing to do. What you need to do is work out different ways of letting yourself cry, feel the emotional pain you're in, and get those feelings that build up until they're unbearable out of your system. I don't know what will work for you, but for me, journalling often allows me to cry, as does reading back over old entries. Sometimes just making myself lie on my bed, and listening to some gentle music too. And just letting myself think things over - it hurts emotionally because I spend most of my time running from feeling those emotions, but in the long run it helps. If you're wanting physical pain, maybe consider things that don't actually cause any harm - ie squeezing ice or clenching/unclenching your fists really quickly (that also helps cos it makes your hands too tired to function!). Exercise is a brilliant one for getting out those pent up feelings. Look at the coping lists and work out what suits you, but don't allow yourself to think that SI is the only way to get rid of those feelings. It isn't, you just have to keep telling yourself that until it starts to sink in.

i'm getting panicky

I know that feeling, and I think (for me at least) a lot of it comes from not having another way out. I get more and more tied into the fact that SI is what seems the most likely thing thats going to 'happen', and I, almost subconsciously, don't like feeling trapped into that. It feels like the only real option. Can you look back and think why you were feeling panicky at the time? And maybe work out some ways that you could calm yourself down next time you're in that situation? Things like relaxation techniques can work really well. And at least if you have something planned out in advance (maybe even write down steps you'll follow?) then it can stop the situation esculating out of control, because you can reassure yourself that you have a way to deal with it.

[kate_]

thanks for replying everyone..

i deffinitely agree with you. i don't want to SI, i know i don't because if i did i wouldn't have come on here as a way of avoiding it.

those were all great suggestions...i think i need to take the time [when i'm not urgy] to plan out what i'm going to do next time it happens. sitting here right now i'm fine, and i can say to myself that next time i'll do this, or i'll do this..but everytime it comes, i'm too wrapped up in the anxiety and the idea of SI that i can't think clearly enough to try other things..

I get more and more tied into the fact that SI is what seems the most likely thing thats going to 'happen', and I, almost subconsciously, don't like feeling trapped into that.

this is exactly how i feel. everytime i get really urgy or triggered, i get this feeling. and when it's there it's really really hard to escape. so i think i'll take a bit of time and decide what i'll do next time...try a few of your ideas. thank you guys so much, it's all really helpful

[Wandering]

thank you guys so much, it's all really helpful

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