before (update: +after)

[demidivine]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i wanted to last night, but went to bed and had a fit. i can feel another one coming on, and it scares me.
i am lonely, i am tired.
i finished my essay, but it's not good, and i can see it. i need to start work on my class tomorrow, because i'm running behind schedule today.
i have another, big, essay to start tomorrow, that i'm scared of writing.
i have to go to a meeting tomorrow night that makes me so intimidated, and considering how i screwed up and let down half the people that i need to impress that'll be there, i'm not not not looking forward to it.
i have a conference to go to on my future career i want on saturday, which should be great but in the mood that i'll be in after this week is over i know when i get in conferences that size i'll feel so small and stupid and slow and pointless, everyone else will be more intelligent and better prepared and qualified.
i have nothing to look forward to that i can think of. even the summer is big and frightening and stressful, and i haven't done enough for it. kit says i could turn all of these into positives, but i can't see them, or won't let myself see them.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, and i'll be here again, tomorrow night, and friday night. i either cut, or i go to bed and have fits. i could go and see people, but that only works in some moods, and i'll just go and burst into tears or feel worse in this one, if i see people. i'll distract kit from his work. and people don't really need to know, everyone's stressed now.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i finished the essay, and i tried to play around on the internet but felt guilty because i should be working.
i could go to bed, i could do something creative.

How do I feel right now?
incredibly crap, low, bottom. i'm going to cry, which will make me even more angry with myself.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i will be focused, and in control. i won't think of anything else. i'll have 40 minutes of calm and quiet and rest.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i'll feel calm and better. tomorrow, i may get frustrated with myself for giving in, but will feel a bit better. i can do it so that kit won't see, probably, but i want the usual place.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
it's a combination of work, and me. i don't think i've ever learnt to deal with it.

Do I need to hurt myself?
i shouldn't, but i need to. otherwise it'll be sometime else. what's the point in putting it off and just feeling worse and worse? i can't cope with all this, i wish i wasn't here.

[demidivine]

i think i said everything i needed to say above.
i feel better now, i've taken care of it the best i can, which is good considering the mood. i'm now ready for bed and i wont have fits. its only very very small. kit will see, though. feckit, does it really matter? i don't see what's so wrong, when i'm in this mood. all i can see is social convention.

[Wandering]

Hey. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, and I'm sorry you didn't make it this time. But well done for trying. I can't think too straight tonight - I'm tired, so I hope what I say makes sense.

if i see people. i'll distract kit from his work. and people don't really need to know, everyone's stressed now.

It sounds like you're holding a low opinion of the fact that you are important. Yes, people may be stressed and overworked too, but it doesn't mean they won't/shouldn't take time out for you. If one of my friends was in a bad place, they would come above any work, however urgent it was. I mean, putting yourself in that position, wouldn't you prefer it for someone to call/talk to you rather than go SI? Don't be scared that you're putting people out - I know I do that and thats why I don't ask for help as much as I should, but I am learning, and people honestly tend to be pleased you've asked rather than suffering on your own.

it's a combination of work, and me. i don't think i've ever learnt to deal with it.

Have you tried learning ways to make it easier to manage - ie the whole breaking it down into smaller sections/tasks so its clearer what you need to do and more managable, or something like that? There are various ways of helping make it less stressful and daunting. Long term, if you don't feel you can cope under that pressure, can you look to find a less stressful career path? I know it might not be what people expect, but if its gonna make your life easier and it less likely for you to SI, maybe its worth thinking about?

Take care of yourself
Andi x

[demidivine]

hey Andi,
thanks very much for replying. you're right about the friends, i've arranged something for tonight - seeing a play - so i have to get out of my room and have to socialise. i'm looking forward to it.
as for the work, it's vicious, and since i'm at the best uni in the country (some say) i can't really let it go. i am trying to break down the huge elements into manageable chunks, but we'll see.
thanks, take care of yourself. it was good of you to reply.

[Wandering]

it was good of you to reply

Is always a pleasure

as for the work, it's vicious, and since i'm at the best uni in the country (some say) i can't really let it go

That's fair - obviously you don't want to go throwing that away unless you absolutely have to. But just be careful you don't get trapped into, I went to a good uni so I must have a high flying job, and get locked into having more and more stressful jobs just because you can and its what's expected. I was third in my school (which is a respected school in this area) with my exam results, but I went to college instead of following the path to uni, because I knew it was better for me. Or more, I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with the pressure of following that route, so I went to college in preferance to ending up killing myself. A lot of people, including my father and some of my closest friends, thought I was a complete idiot, and wasting my 'academic ability'. But I can't say I regret it, because I'm in a situation now with a lot less pressure, so I can form some semblance of coping!

I'm not saying that you should drop out of uni and everything, and take up a job at your local supermarket - life has a habit of being stressful whatever route you take. But please do take time to decide whether extra stresses, work and pressure of being 'at the top' are worth the toll on you and your health.

Aside from all that (and I know I've written a mini essay - sorry!) keep working on making the work easier for yourself - you can learn to not get so stressed by it!

Take care, Andi