to You

[Forget Me]

hey
you know who you are. well, you don't really. if you knew that, you would be different. too different. and i love you how you are anyway. did it hurt you, when nothing happened? i bet it didn't. it was nothing to you. i know it was. and here i am, whining again. i know you don't like it. you hate whining. which is why i am writing this here, and not to you. oh, and the fact that i would never actually send a letter like this anyway.
i wish i knew more about you. i love you, but only as a friend, i guess. i want to be closer to you, to know you, so i could help you. somehow i get the feeling that is not going to happen. i guess you see me as the happy one, just like everyone else. i wish they didn't. no-one knows how sad i am. i hate it when people tell me i don't need something cos i am happy anyway. but i could have died from happiness when you said "you make me smile..." maybe it was just a line. maybe i am making a fool of myself by writing it here. but you don't smile enough. and when you said that, it made me proud.
maybe, if i really had made you smile, you would love me. but you love her. i guess it will only rip my heart out the first couple of times i see you with her. i don't even know who she is. i can't ask. what will you think of me then?? and i don't want to create an awkward situation. i guess that is one of my greatest fears. being awkward. i know i am. i am too tall and big. i always feel out of place. even with you.
i didn't mind at first, when she daid you had called me cute. but then later on, she said you had said "mostly" cute. what does that mean?? i don't know. i guess it means that is all i am good at. being cute.
being the happy one. the one who makes people smile... i like maing people smile... but no-one can make me smile. well, i always smile. but no-one can make me smile really. sometimes, someone will. but whenever i smile truly, i feel like crying. that's not because of you. hey, don't take too much credit. "you're so vain, you prob'ly think this song is about you..." well it's not.
ha, look at me. all melodramatic. i guess you would hate me if you saw this. you would probably call me annoying and start talking about me behind my back. like everyone else. everyone else....
i looked at your VF profile. i saw the pictures of you and it broke my heart. i know there wil never be a pic of me there. i saw you how you are, i saw you how you want to be. they are not all that different, really. do you really fit in at the flat? sometimes you do, sometimes you seem so... angry. like you were pulled into it, and now it is something you have to do, without wanting to. i know you loe the people, but the culture? i am not sure if you want that or not.
that night, i saw your scars. you don't try to hide them. they are part of you. i wanted to kiss them better. instead i tried to kiss you better. it probably didn't work.
i am just another girl who wants you. you know how many of me there are. being your friends, but needing no persuading when we have an opening to you. i make you sound bad for it. you aren't. you always say you don't want to be judged like that. i am trying not to judge you, and i guess it is working, cos i can't work you out. but maybe, i only want to be your friend. but i want to be closer to you than a girlfriend, emotionally. i just know i never can. because i am so.... generic. boring. i know how you hate the word normal, but that is what i am. think about it, si doesn't change that. more and more people do that now. maybe i only do it because i want to be cool. i know it isnt true. but part of me says it is... the part that hates me. which is quite a lot of me really.
i keep trying to say goodbye, to so many painful things, this is one of them. i guess this is a goodbye, to that one night. maybe if i had acted a little differently, loved you a little more, things would have been different. or maybe i am wrong about you. maybe you ae none of these things. you have a perfect disguise. maybe you just want everything you can get. and you got me.
don't make me say goodbye! i can't. but i can't visit you, either, not without her. i can't be on my own with you and people who are unsure about me. i guess i am different from that group. maybe i should give up. maybe if i gave up, it wouldn't matter any more. i can't help feeling that this is just like alice. part of me knowing that you hate me and don't want to have anyting to do with me, part of me refusing to beleive it and insisting upon continuing, and all i am doing is making you hate me more. thats how it feels. so thats it. i give up. i give up on you, on everyone at the flat. i give up on nick, simon, dimitri, all them. i give up. feel free to hate me.
i'm used to it.

[eyeris]

hey,
I'm not sure what to say . . . your letter was full of emotion, and letter-writing, even without giving the letter to the person, can be very therapeutic, can release some of the hurt, anger, or sadness . . . So I guess I just wanted to let you know that I read. And I'm sorry you are hurting.
Take care,
-e