Help with loved ones (Semi-graphic SI & SM references)

[esaeler]

It's been so long since I was on here last..I've missed the support BUS used to give me.

I have a question about what to do.

My boyfriend of about 2 months now knows about my cutting. I've only cut once since dating him. I was doing really well before I started dating him and continued to do well. I made it almost 2 full months without a single recurrence, but then my family life got rough. My mother started becoming more abusive and she even slammed my head straight into a bunkbed and punched me straight in the face. He gave me permission to cut once, but we misunderstood. I thought he meant one session of relief, which means multiple cuts, but in actuality he meant only one. I got out of hand and my arm displayed "I Can't Feel" with some X's surrounding it. When he saw he cried. Since then he has told me if I cut again we would be in trouble as far as our relationship goes. If he found more than 5 recent cuts or anything near a "fatal area" (wrist, throat, etc.) he would leave me on the spot.

My friends I turned to who know I cut think it's wrong, but I know it's only because he loves me and dosen't want to see me hurt myself. Trust me, I'm not proud of it much myself either.

I still couldn't find any resolve through my friends though, so I came back to BUS, because I know there are many of you who were put in my situation before and I know I'll get some type of answer.

Thank you all who reply. My heart goes out to you.

<3<3<3
Jen (esaeler)

[Oblivion]

It sounds like he really does care and is owrried about you. I think its brilliant that you can talk to him about it. Have yous spoken about it since?

[falling...]

Its hard to see some one you care about hurting.. im sorry your friends dont understand your need to cut... take care xxx
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[mallie]

I think your boyfriends statements about if he finds cuts on you he'll leave to be quite manipulative and not really supportive of you. If you could educate him on SI in general, and your specific issues, that could help.

Threatening to leave someone is not the best way to get them to change a difficult behaviour, even when it is one that they want to stop.

Have things settled down in your family life ? The abuse from your mother sounds painful and distressing. Any way you can get out of that situation ?

[esaeler]

Spencer: The last time we talked about it was about two nights ago, I believe, and that was when he told me about the more than 5 and fatal area thing.

Mallie: I think they're manipulative also, but I also don't think he truly understands why I cut. He has before, but not recently, and he still SM's and dosen't really accept it as that (punching the wall until his knuckles bleed). He told me the other night when we discussed it and he had to leave me on the phone for a few minutes and call me back that he went and grabbed a kitchen knife and debated cutting himself. I felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of me, and I can only imagine how he feels when I tell him how hard it is not to and seeing my arm so badly mutilated. Things are somewhat better, but my mother is an alcoholic. It all depends on how many drinks she has in her and if I decide to keep my mouth shut and stay away from her during those times. I'm only 15 and the only way I could get myself out of the house is to try and move in with my Dad, but I know my mother would fight that beyond belief and even if I told a counselor or HRS about the abuse, she would lie right to their face; I know because she has before when my ex-stepfather used to abuse me. I've tried to get out in the past but I believe the only way is to wait until I graduate.


Thank you guys for helping me. <3 My heart goes out to you all.

[mallie]

Can you explain to him why you cut ? Explaining how his word/actions make you feel, could be good too.

If you can't get right out of the house, is there anything you can do so that you have safety plans ? A friends house you can go to if things are too rough at home that night ? Is moving in with your Dad an option at all ?

[Tamrick]

Hi, I have a slightly different take on the manipulative thing. My own boyfriend said if I continue to cut then it would ruin our relationship and I think he was right. He also said he might leave me. I know he loves me, but he needed to look after himself as well as me.

It must be very hard for a guy to see the person he loves injuring themselves. Guys want to protect girls and they can do nothing if we hurt ourselves.

I think you need to talk to him a lot about it and set strict boundaries. It sounds like he has tried to do this already. You need to work towards getting better. My boyfriend said I mUST phone him before I wanted to cut - if I just cut without phoning then I had no excuse and so on. Its been more than a year since I last cut and I am still going out with my boyfriend. He was very helpful in helping me to stop - we went through a lot of tough times, but I needed those boundaries. Chat to your boyfriend and work out something that will work for both of you - but make sure you adjust it when needed.

Hang in there. I hope your family life improves. Thinking of you.

Tamrick

[treasure]

if you want to set boundaries for si, telling your bf can help you stick to those boundaries and si less or not at all. but imo your bf telling you what to do and threatening to leave is emotional manipulation and its def not ok!

[esaeler]

Mallie: I explained. I don't really have any way to get out of my house when things get rough, and my dad isn't much of an option. None of my friends live that close, and rides there and back are a bitch to find until I get my license in August.

Tamrick: I do that. He told me if I ever wanted to cut for the slightest reason to call and I do every time, and he helps me through it. Thanks for thinking of me, you are in my heart as well.

Treasure: Thank you, I will use that. I think he will be a great person to help me stop.

Thank you all, you all are always with me.