Before

[NobodyToYou]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I have had a bad day...I had to say goodbye to some people and I don't know what to do with my reaction to this. I feel unimportant...It doesn't help that I won't be able to see my T for the next three weeks. He said I could email him, but I really don't know what I think about that...and right now I don't want to sort that out either.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Saying goodbye...not recently. Feeling "too full" of emotions that I can't sort out...yes, often. I usually cut, although sometimes I try to tolerate it or figure it out...thinking about it usually makes the feeling overwhelmed worse. I can usually tolerate it for a little while and then end up doing some form of SI. When I cut...I usually feel better immediately and more depressed longer term.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have eaten dinner (actually adds to the discomfort cause now I want to purge too), went to a small group Bible study, and I am now filling this out. What can I do that won't hurt me...I want to stop thinking and stop feeling, but I don't have a way to do that other than SI. I want to disappear...not forever, just long enough for the feelings and current situations to go away.

How do I feel right now?
I feel...I don't know. I can't really find a word right now...Physically, my head hurts, I am sorta droopy, and have an empty feeling in my stomach (Although I have eaten). Can any of you figure out what I am feeling?

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel calm...not much of any feeling. That would be the point.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I don't know how I would feel tonight...It might be a fine line. I could feel a lot better...or I could shut down too much and start dissociating, which isn't always fun...sometimes it feels worse than others. Tomorrow...I am going to be sad that I am so weak and angry that I was a failure and afraid of what life is going to throw at me next...and probably many other things, but I can't think of them right now.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No...eventually everyone leaves. No way to avoid it...deal with it better? I don't know. I am doing the best I can right now, but I hope someday that I will have better ways.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I should be strong enough to get through this without SI. But I don't know if I will really make it or if I am going to fail again.

[NobodyToYou]

Ok...that didn't last very long.
I am going to try an After, but I don't know if I can get all the way through it...I may need to do the other before questions too.
Oh, this might get triggery, so please be careful. I am in a very bad mood and it is probably going to come through.

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
No, and I don't want to, and I am not going to...they don't really need anything anyway.

what had happened just before?
I filled out the before...tried finding something else to do...started having more SU thoughts and actually started surfing the net for an effective plan, realized I don't want to be that close to SU and decided to cut instead. All that within...15 minutes? GRRRRRRR at self!

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was thinking about SU and wanting to know where to cut to get a lot of blood and all sorts of other very dark thoughts. What is wrong with me today?!? I was doing better...
Part of me really wants to go to the hospital tonight, even though I still don't want to get caught and don't want people to know what I am doing, and it would be stupid to try to go to the hospital...my family would have to find out, it would cost a lot of money, it would just be a stupid thing to do! So why do I want to so badly? I feel like a freak...I shouldn't be having thoughts like this...there is no reason for this...

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Because the part of me that wanted to SI was much, much stronger than the part of me that didn't want to. I don't know if there was a final straw...I just wanted to cut and didn't have enough motivation to fight it.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know!...right now I am starting to get very angry at these questions, but I am not sure why. I feel like yelling and screaming, but it doesn't make any sense, cause I don't have any reason to...this is bizarre.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried being around people, eating, posting a Before, and a very brief period of distraction (which ended up moving in a bad direction).

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I don't know. I don't think the coping methods failed, I think my desire to be safe failed.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't have an answer to this.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No, I am still feeling all sorts of things...I think in filling this out, I have calmed down a little bit...not a whole lot though. I am drinking my hot chocolate...But no, it is not resolved. I still want to SI again and I want to do real damage, even though I have never done any before. Steps toward resolution...I have no idea right now. I am trying to let the pressure off by writing this. I may try some computer games...I am doubtful whether any of that is actually going to help.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I am still in it.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will...
1. post this or try to write things out
2. play the 15 minute game to try to slow myself down
3. play computer games to distract myself.

[Wandering]

Part of me really wants to go to the hospital tonight, even though I still don't want to get caught and don't want people to know what I am doing, and it would be stupid to try to go to the hospital...my family would have to find out, it would cost a lot of money, it would just be a stupid thing to do! So why do I want to so badly? I feel like a freak...I shouldn't be having thoughts like this...there is no reason for this...

My guess would be that you want someone to care for you, to feel in a safe place, and to feel that your pain is validated. Going to the hospital would prove some of those things. I don't know how you can get round that, and I don't even know if that is your reasons for wanting to go there, but its just an idea. Can you think about other ways you could make yourself feel safe and cared for? Is there maybe someone you could talk to?

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, and that I can't say much to help. Just please don't think you're a freak - you're not - and even if you can't see an 'adequate' reason for having those thoughts, there probably is one, and your body is just reacting in the only way it can think of to deal with that.

Take care, Andi x

[plantt]

what happened when you were around people? where did you go to be around people?

[NobodyToYou]

As I look back at wanting a trip to the hospital, I think I probably did want an external validation of how upset I was. As far as nurturing or feeling safe, I doubt I would get that from a trip to the ER. But it would prove to me (and anybody else who found out) that I was really upset and this was a serious issue. Of course, since I didn't cut that badly and didn't have to go...well, part of me is saying that I am not a very good SIer because I haven't had to go or get stitches. The logical part of me says this is stupid and if I want to stop SIing, why would I want to do it worse? It really doesn't make much sense, but that part of me is still there...logic doesn't seem to stop it.
I think if I wanted support badly enough, I could have called my T. But I don't think I would do that unless I was really about to SU or had already cut badly enough to go to the ER. Otherwise, I can't seem to convince myself that it is ok to call him, especially since it was getting late. That may be something I have to talk to him about eventually, but the thought of it is making me uncomfortable, so I am not going to keep thinking about it.
As far as being with people...
I went to a Bible study...it kinda helped in some ways, because I was out of the house and distracted, but I felt really disconnected too...they are not people I know very well and I really didn't feel very comfortable with myself at the time. I left as soon as it finished...When I am feeling bad I tend to want to be by myself, but that often isn't a good idea, because it fits my usual pattern of isolating myself and cutting off possible support.
I did find the support from BUS quite helpful after filling that stuff out...I talked on the main board for quite a while. While no one could really "fix" the way I was feeling, I got enough support and distraction that I made it the rest of the night without more cutting.

[plantt]

how is it ok to go to ER but not ok to call t?

[NobodyToYou]

Hmm...I don't know. I don't know that either is really ok...but if I actually got hurt badly enough, I would go to the ER...I think. I haven't tested it yet.
I guess it is easier to think about getting physical help (stitches or something) than emotional help. Not very logical.