Another Before

[NobodyToYou]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation will not change at all. I wouldn't even be trying to change the situation (nothing is really wrong). But I will feel less tense and anxious, and I might not space out as easily. On the other hand, I might space out more...but I will certainly feel more relaxed if I SI.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring some calmness. It will also bring some pain, which may be good or bad. It might take away some of my connection to reality (which would be bad) but it might make me feel more "real" (which would be good). It will be admitting, again, that a I have trouble getting through perfectly good days without SI, so that will bring a sense of failure and guilt.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run, I don't want to SI. I don't like the control this has over me and the amount of time and energy it uses up, between doing it and fighting it. On the other hand, I have not found another way to lessen the internal tension, and I have been trying. Nothing seems to really be helping...right now I am trying to tolerate it, but I don't know how long I can handle feeling like this. I am jumping at shadows, literally.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It would last...maybe a few hours. Then I would be at home, so I could go to bed or watch TV or read a book. But realistically, if I SI now, I probably will again tonight when the tension starts to come back.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I have tried doing homework, balancing my checkbook, sitting in a quiet room trying to ground, and playing computer games. None of them change the situation or the feelings. Now I am trying a "before" and will probably go back to doing homework...unless I get too tired of trying, and then I will cut.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel depressed and empty, like I do every morning, but I will also be sore. If I don't, I will still feel depressed and empty, but not sore.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I know this isn't the "right" answer, but cutting seems like the best option. It seems pointless to fight it when I know I could feel better in a couple minutes. And without it, I won't...I was filling this out to try to convince myself otherwise, but so far it isn't working. But ultimately, cutting isn't what I want for myself. I want to be able to stop. I don't like what I have become...
I think I want to be somebody else for a while. Unfortunantly, life doesn't work that way.

[NobodyToYou]

Ok, looking back I realized there was a lot going on that I didn't let come through in my questions. I wrote that Before about an hour before my final evaluation for my internship. I was anxious about the meeting, even though I knew the feedback would be positive...they have been very clear that they are happy with my work. But meeting and talking about it is still hard for me.
But...I did not cut!
And after the meeting, I had a while when I got very triggered, but I made it and I didn't cut!!! This is the first real example I can think of where I have actually beaten an urge! (Plantt, you are right, it can be done...I wasn't sure before.)
So I think I want to fill out an After-I made it!

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
Yes, some of them.

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
I was feeling guilty about something that I had said to someone, I felt undeserving of some of the things said in my meeting, I felt sad that my internship is finishing, I felt lonely because I am losing a lot of support now that the internship is ending, and I felt angry with myself for feeling all this other stuff. I know there was more, but that was about as much "feeling" as I could tolerate at the time. I figured them out because I was getting anxious and overwhelmed, so I sat in a quiet room with my rock that I use for grounding, and I was able to identify them. That is unusual for me. I think it helped that I can point to a cause for all the feelings, thus in my mind, they seem more valid.

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
I sat in the quiet room with my rock, tried grounding for a while, and then when anger became the dominant feeling I tried squeezing an ice cube. It hurt but not as much as I wanted...on the other hand, it was enough, and I was able to make it.

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
I don't know. But they worked, and that is good enough for now.

If No - What coping skills got me through?
Um... I don't understand this one.

Why do I think they worked?
Uh oh. A question I don't know the answer to. I don't know why they worked this time and they often don't. I guess I tried hard enough for long enough...I don't know. I have had urges that last a lot longer, so I don't know why that one subsided.

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
Um..I don't know that either. The urge to SI is almost always there at a low level (yes, even now) but I guess taking time to recognize and admit to having feelings and noticing the reasons for them might help. But that is really hard to do...I guess I will have to practice.

[pretty]

Well done for getting through

It sounds like you worked out what you needed to do and did it, which is a really positive step. It's so hard to see what an urge is really about, that managing to do that the first time (or any time really) is a big deal.

I know this isn't the "right" answer...

There are no right answers. Being honest is the best thing you can do, cos then you can work with what you're actually feeling.