sorry (please add on!!!)

tips on how to cope: dealing with your feelings, dealing with the consequences of self-harm in your life. share your ideas and maybe pick up some new skills, too. you don't have to want to stop to learn something new here.

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Forget Me
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sorry (please add on!!!)

Post by Forget Me » Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:53 am

i thought it might be a good idea to have a place where people can apologise to people of they want, if they find it hard to say irl. if this catches on, it will be a place where you can ramble or just put short notes, it is up to you. just feel free to get things off your chest. like the 'things left unsaid' thread, but more specific. people might feel that they can just do this there and dont need this thread, whatever. just an idea :)
oh, and i have not put any warnings on this thread, so if you think your post might be a trig, please mark it!!
so i will start.

L-sorry for making you feel i look down to you. really i respect you for everything you have gone through and support you.

Mum - sorry you are not as involed in my life as you would sometimes like to be. and sorry i snap at you and sometimes make your life hard. i love you!

B - sorry i am not comfortable around you. i don't know why, but i find it hard...

c +a - sorry you hate me. i wish you didnt.

everyone irl - sorry i always lie to you, all the time. but you can't know the truth.

Lauz
<center>
<b>FISHY! WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING?!</b>
~"What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find."~
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Another Lonely Day
~~Laura~~
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Post by NobodyToYou » Thu Apr 21, 2005 3:23 pm

family- I am sorry I am not telling you the truth. But I just can't right now. I am sorry for the disappointment and worry I will cause when you do find out. I am sorry for not being strong enough to handle my own problems in a healthy way. I am sorry that I can't help with yours, but I am having problems with my own.
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Post by nika » Thu Apr 21, 2005 6:11 pm

F ~ I'm sorry for doubting you at times. I can't help it, though you have never done anything to deserve it. I'm sorry.
Hello World. :)
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Post by Wandering » Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:13 pm

M & D : I'm sorry I've made life hard for you recently. Sorry I just can't talk to you at all, that I retreat into myself. Right now I can't do the whole talking thing. One day I'll tell you all this stuff, I'll explain why I act so strangely and then maybe you'll understand. But til then, I'm sorry I'm so withdrawn and difficult.
Perhaps one day this too will be pleasant to remember
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Post by Reisu » Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:32 pm

Marie; I'm sorry that I make you worry about me. I can't even explain it. I know you want to help and everything, but I'm not ready for that yet... I feel really selfish that I make you worry about me so much. I'm sorry for every time I've SI but not let you find out, and for every time where you have felt like it's your fault. It's really not. You're the one thats helping me get through this the most... But most of all... I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise. I highly doubt that you will ever see this, but please forgive me... *Hugs*
(◡‿◡✿)
"I'M A DISGUSTING WORTHLESS BILGESACK ON THE GARGANTUAN TEAT OF A LABORING, LEPROUS MUSCLEBEAST. MY SELF ESTEEM IS SO SMALL, ITS EXISTENCE IS A MATTER OF CONJECTURE AMONG THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS. THE ODOR MY BODY MAKES HAS MADE POETS CRY. I UNFAIRLY PULVERIZE THE COMPETITION IN ASSHOLE PAGEANTS, AND I HAVE RECEIVED A LIFETIME BAN FROM UGLY CONTESTS BY PRESIDENT SHITFACE HIMSELF. MY BLOOD IS NOT FIT TO FLOW THROUGH A SEWER, AND MY SIGN IS A PICTOGRAPHIC SYMBOL THAT LOOSELY TRANSLATES AS "PLEASE HIKE THESE PANTS UP TO THIS GUY'S ARMPITS, CHAIN HIM TO A FLOGGING JUT, AND MAKE A FUCKING EXAMPLE OUT OF THIS SORRY SACK OF SHIT." WHEN I LOOK IN A MIRROR, MY REFLECTION SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD WHILE I WET MYSELF IN SHAME."
(⊙‿⊙✿)
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Post by balletomane » Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:40 pm

sorry for being needy
sorry for being depressing
sorry for effectively exploiting you kindness
sorry for not being there for you
sorry for not being happy
sorry for doing this to you
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Mich
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Post by Mich » Fri Apr 22, 2005 12:47 am

im sorry i always hurt and cause u so much stress, i wish i could make everything ok and stop myself from hurting me but im doing my best. i love u
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Post by Proximity » Fri Apr 22, 2005 3:38 am

I think that this thread makes sense, because lots of times we want to make appologies that we can't make in real life. However, I know that for me, sometimes (and I think for others as well) appologies can be a way of beating myself up - they come about my badness, not about my action that was wrong, you know?
So I start to say "sorry I'm stupid, sorry I'm self centered, sorry I exist" ... this isn't productive.

So I guess I had a suggestion, and a request.

Suggestion: if you feel sorry about something, can you think about what you can do about that actual situation? Can you appologize to the person for real, or can you change your actions to show them that you know you were wrong and help yourself to not do that again? Basically, what can you do to make it not an empty appology?

Request: don't beat yourself up with your appologies. It's good to acknowledge things you need to work on, things that you have done that have impacted others, it's not good to wallow in them without making any changes.

<hr>

To my parents :
I'm sorry I lie to you. I'm not going to stop, because I honestly believe that the truth would hurt you more, and not change anything for the better. It still hurts to lie, every time. I'm sorry.

:dkpurpstar: prox. :purpstar:
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Post by sine nomine » Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:06 am

Interesting thread.

The thing about being sorry is that it doesn't change things. so the next step, after talking about things you wish you'd done or things you wish you hadn't done, is to figure out: "What next?"

The first thing, I guess, is to decide if what you're sorry about is something that your personal beliefs about right and wrong behavior or if it's something that might have been handled better but didn't involve any ethical violations on your part. That doesn't mean, "Didn’t hurt anyone" because sometimes hurting people is unavoidable. It might be a good idea to ask if you think you acted in a way to minimize the damage to everyone involved. If you did, then let go of it. Sometimes we do the best we can and the result's not what we wanted but we've done all we can to make it turn out right. It’s time to let go, to remind yourself that you did the best you could. You may have to let go of it several times before it stays gone.

If you know inside that you did something wrong, if you're sure that your actions violated your own ideas of right and wrong and that you've hurt another person, then your choices are to beat yourself up over it or deal with it and let go.

How do you deal with it?
  1. First, acknowledge it. Write it down -- don't make yourself any better or any worse than you are. Just describe neutrally what happened, what you did, and what the mistake was. It’s okay to make mistakes -- everyone does. The big thing is admitting them and looking at them clearly.
  2. Once you've admitted the mistake, you have to try to make it right. This is what they call making repairs in DBT. It’s best to make repairs directly to the person you've harmed -- often this is as simple as an apology (see below) and doing something nice to make up for the pain you caused. In some situations, getting involved again will make things worse. In others, it may not be possible to make repairs directly to the person you harmed. In those cases, do something significantly positive for someone else in the injured person's name (even if that just means dedicating your actions to that person in your own head). Repairs are important because they say, "I realize that I have caused you pain, and I am willing to accept inconvenience and difficulty in order to make it up to you." they also give you a sense of a circle closing, or loose ends being tidied.
  3. Apologies are not about you. they are not meant to be where you give reasons or excuses or justifications for what you did.. there are other times for that. when you are making repairs, all you need to say is "I made a mistake and you were hurt. I am sorry. I know it was a mistake, and I have committed to not making it again."
  4. After you make repairs, make a commitment to yourself (and to the other person in some cases) not to repeat the mistake. Mean it.
  5. Accept the consequences gracefully. You fucked up, and things you don't like might happen because of it. Accept it. Let other people decide how they feel about it instead of trying to tell them what they should feel. You have an obligation to try to make things right, but they don't have to stop being angry or hurt. Sometimes these things take time.
  6. Let it go. Move on. When you start freaking about it, remind yourself that you've done your absolute best to make it right, and let it go.
My challenge to each of you who've posted in this thread is to pick something, go through that process with it, and post here about what it was like.

deb
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[blockquote]Facts are not frightening. But if you try to avoid them,
turn your back and run, then that is frightening. -- Krishnamurti[/blockquote]

[blockquote]Why are we so frightened of what is?
What is the good of running away if whatever we are is always there? -- Krishnamurti[/blockquote]
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Post by balletomane » Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:50 am

i just read all of this, and spent some time thinking about my previous apology. as i wrote about the situation, i realized that i feel sorry for something entirely different. i am not sorry for being needy or depressing. i certainly wish neither were the case, but i am not sorry in the sense i had originally intended. i guess the thing i feel sorry for is not expressing my appreciating to this friend. i feel sorry that he has spent so much time trying to help me and i have neither thanked him explicitly nor acted receptive or thankful in anyway.

so i guess what i've decided is that i don't need to apologize to him. i need to thank him.

somehow, i feel really worried/anxious about making this post. like i've missed the point or something...um, so please be gentle?
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Post by polmath » Fri Apr 22, 2005 5:35 am

To my friend(s):

I'm sorry for being too emotional.. sometimes it gets hard to bite my tongue, but I think i've been getting better at redirecting it to other outlets. I know you don't know even 1/8 of what's going on w/ me, and it isn't fair to expect you to understand things where you don't know any of the backstory.
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Post by Licentia Poetica » Fri Apr 22, 2005 9:29 am

balletomane wrote:somehow, i feel really worried/anxious about making this post. like i've missed the point or something...um, so please be gentle?
no, you did great :)
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Mich
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Post by Mich » Fri Apr 22, 2005 9:29 am

ok, i spoke to him this morning. we are both sorry for upsetting the other one. hes scared of me ending up back in ip. i promise to take one of my tablets if the urge to si occurs. i hope that will be enough cuz i dont know what else to do.
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Post by mallie » Fri Apr 22, 2005 5:23 pm

balletomane wrote:i just read all of this, and spent some time thinking about my previous apology. as i wrote about the situation, i realized that i feel sorry for something entirely different. i am not sorry for being needy or depressing. i certainly wish neither were the case, but i am not sorry in the sense i had originally intended. i guess the thing i feel sorry for is not expressing my appreciating to this friend. i feel sorry that he has spent so much time trying to help me and i have neither thanked him explicitly nor acted receptive or thankful in anyway.

so i guess what i've decided is that i don't need to apologize to him. i need to thank him.

somehow, i feel really worried/anxious about making this post. like i've missed the point or something...um, so please be gentle?
I think you've done really well :)

You've identified feelings, and corresponding thoughts and reasons behind what you feel, as well as working out a suitable plan of action. That is really cool.
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Post by mallie » Fri Apr 22, 2005 5:34 pm

Mich wrote:ok, i spoke to him this morning. we are both sorry for upsetting the other one. hes scared of me ending up back in ip. i promise to take one of my tablets if the urge to si occurs. i hope that will be enough cuz i dont know what else to do.
I'm glad you got to speak to your friend. Being able to talk about these things is really positive :)

In terms of what else to do, do you have other IRL supports ? A T or pdoc ? One of the things that is suggested for helping stop SI is to keep your tools in a place where you have to go through a bunch of helpful things to get there. E.g. keep the tools in the bottom of a box, with coping things on top of it (hotlines to ring or activities to do - there are a few threads on this that can give you ideas on what might be useful for you).

If there are specific things your friend can do or say if you go to him for help when you're urgy, let him know now what they are. If he should suggest that you call your doctors, or take one of your pills, or what would be a useful response from him.

Setting these up before the crises happen is a really good idea.
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Post by balletomane » Sat Apr 23, 2005 7:13 pm

thanks thatway and mallie. i really appeciate your encouragement and support.
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Post by nirvana » Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:52 pm

x i'm sorry. for messing this up. i did not mean to, and i wish i could fix it.
i thought i was a fool for no one, but baby i'm a fool for you.

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Post by meg0n » Sun Apr 24, 2005 9:22 pm

I am sorry i let my urge take over.
I am sorry i kissed that guy last night, i feel so horrible about it and now living up to my guilt.
I am truely sorry adrian that i let you down. :(
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Post by ~Georgie~ » Sun Apr 24, 2005 10:22 pm

Sorry i acted like a prat on Friday, i'll try not to be like that again.
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Post by Invisible_tears » Sun Apr 24, 2005 11:46 pm

My Mom - I'm sorry I have to lie to you. But I hope you'd understand that I do it out of love for you, because I know you don't really need to have to worry about me as well as everything else right now. I'm really trying to help myself, and stop hurting myself, and hopefully you'll never know about it so it can never hurt you. But I suppose one day soon or in the future you might find out, or I might have to tell you, and in that case I'm sorry for the pain it will cause you.
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