Trying to think this through

[Wandering]

I'm gonna really bore you all by doing both sets of 'before' questions. Sorry... A bit of background: I'm taking a gap year this summer, which is great, but a bit stressful to organise. I am doing Camp America over the summer, which I'm really looking forward to. The camp director asked me if I wanted to go out a bit earlier to settle in and ride (its a horse riding camp) and I organised that, but without checking it with my parents. My father is rather miffed because he's meant to be going abroad to watch a football match, and getting back the day before I go. I didn't know that at the time I arranged to go early. So things have been rather tense. All on top of everyday stress too...Anyway...

<U>how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? </U>
The situation won't change at all. I might feel better for a bit though, and actually be able to relax a little

<U>what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? </U>
I really really really don't want to SI. I really don't. I mean, I've been trying to stop for the last year, and I don't want visible scars for my gap year. Also, this morning in church seemed so directed at me - it made me even keener not to SI again, but then my emotions come into play. So by giving in I will lose a bit more hope and self-respect - I'll just feel weak. But still, it will feel good for a short time.

<U>how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? </U>
Further away. I don't want to spend my whole life doing this

<U>if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? </U>
It will get me through today. Which is a start. And I'll probably feel ok for a week or two. But I don't think that's worth the scar

<U>what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? </U>
I could go to bed, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep. That would get me through to tomorrow, but don't think I'll feel any better in the morning. Then I face the same problem.

<U>how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? </U>
Guilty. Pissed off at myself. But calmer and more like I can cope. If I just go to sleep, I don't have the guilt, but I still feel stressed and out of control

<U>what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?</U>
I don't <I>want</I> to SI. I really don't. It's just my emotions are so up in the air - I want to cry, to scream, just to not have to face life anymore, and because thats not an option, I'm lapsing back to something I know works.

<U>Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? </U>
Yeh, I've been stressed out before. I usually cut in the end. That makes it better, but at the same time worse, as I'm back to step one

<U>What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? </U>
I've actually made an effort this time not to trigger myself further. So I'm maybe slightly more in control than I usually would be at this point. I'm filling in this. Then I think I'm gonna go read over the bible verses from this morning, and try to reinforce the hope they gave me. I should maybe text my youth leader, but I don't want to worry her.

<U>How do I feel right now? </U>
Rough. Bit sick, and I can't concentrate on anything - I'm trying to do work, but I can't. Like I want to cry, but I can't. So, a bit stuck.

<U>How will I feel when I am hurting myself? </U>
Like I'm doing something positive to relieve the tension. Well, I'll feel fantastic to be honest, because SI's like that.

<U>How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? </U>
Tonight I'll be able to sleep. Tomorrow I'll feel guilty and regret doing it, but at the same time I'll probably be on a high.

<U>Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? </U>
Nah, shouldn't come up again, which I guess is a good thought. Only two months and I'm outta here! Though unfortunately I guess there'll be stressful situations abroad too.

<U>Do I need to hurt myself? </U>
Ultimately no. I just feel I do, and haven't learnt to rely on less harmful ways yet.

Thoughts are welcome as always!
Andi x

[ChaseThisLight]

I'm glad that you realize that you don't want to hurt yourself, and even though it will make you feel "better" for the time being, it probably isn't worth it. Perhaps you can focus on that. I hate being stressed out, and I know when I am stressed I usually feel like cutting. Is there something you can do to relax? Go for a quick walk, have a soda, watch a little tv, indulge yourself in some way....Perhaps if you want to try to go to bed, lay in bed, close your eyes and just focus on breathing...that usually helps me to fall asleep...I hope you figure things out and find a way to relax a bit. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

notmardy