After

[NobodyToYou]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeah, well enough.

what had happened just before?
I was trying to study, and couldn't concentrate. I think I got 15 minutes of studying done. Then I tried to take a nap and couldn't sleep...thoughts of SI in lots of forms kept coming and coming. I could stop some of them, but then another would come. My mind was skipping from one thing to another, nothing fitting together. And I know I need to study.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was thinking that I have to concentrate. I have a huge test coming up, and I really need to do well. It is very important for my future. As far as feelings...I don't exactly know. I know I was edgy and tense. I had trouble being still. But feeling...I don't know.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I tried my best distractor (sleep) and it failed. In fact, the time trying to sleep made the urges worse. And I can't waste all day trying to fight urges, I have to get studying done. So I quit trying and SIed.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
Yesterday was bad (see previous Before post, if you are interested) but instead of being as numb as before, I got edgy and tense. And the pressure from the test is getting stronger. But I also think I have been feeling very lonely and like I have no resources this weekend. And pressure from all sides, lots of feelings I don't have the time and energy (or courage) to try to process. So I went numb yesterday, and in some ways I still am...but it is fading. I don't know what I could have done differently that would have made any difference. I know I could have delayed a little longer, but I don't think it would have stopped anything or solved anything. It might have made things worse, because I can't study when I am feeling like that, and not studying makes me very stressed out. I am feeling very trapped right now...like it doesn't matter what I do, SI is the only real way out, and delaying it is useless and wastes valuable time.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I have been sleeping a lot recently, since I use it to cope. I don't think any of these really had an impact.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried sleeping, and it didn't work at all. The urges got worse and I was having all sorts of pictures of SI in my head. Sometimes my imagination is a very bad thing. I tried eating something, but it made me want to purge, so that didn't help.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have delayed the urges the way I did yesterday, by playing computer or getting on BUS. However, they don't get my homework done and they don't take the urges away, so it didn't seem like a good solution.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I remember them. It is just whether they will really help or make things worse in the long run...

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I still feel stressed out, edgy, and tense. I felt better for about an hour after SI, but I am not doing so well at concentrating again. So I am back in a very similar situation already. I have no idea how to resolve it, other than continue SIing every hour or two and hope I can concentrate.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Back there right now. Got on here because I am losing concentration again, clenching my teeth, can't sit still, etc.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will try...1 posting here. 2 um...sleep? 3. maybe sit outside for a few minutes and think about something else.

[plantt]

stressed out, edgy, tense... to me sound like anxiety... i could be mistaken & please correct me if i'm off.

what types of things have you tried? to get schoolwork done when you're feeling unable to concentrate?

i'm also wondering... & not sure if this will come out worded terribly well please let me know if it comes across badly...
is it an ok trade-off for you? to si in order to study? is si something you'd like to stop using... or is it something you don't mind that you do?

what types of things do you currently use to cope with stress? what would you be willing to work towards doing to cope with stress?

I am feeling very trapped right now...like it doesn't matter what I do, SI is the only real way out, and delaying it is useless and wastes valuable time.

*nods* can relate to it seeming like that. i think it's inaccurate. si is not a way out. it's a way to mess things up long-term. it's a maladaptive way to avoid things we don't want to or currently know how to deal with.
the more we si the more real that thought seems because it's been reinforced more.

feeling very lonely and like I have no resources this weekend

what can you do to work towards feeling less lonely... or deal more effectively with feeling lonely & to make it not seem like you're completely on your own this weekend?

they don't take the urges away

lots of coping skills aren't meant to take the urge away... they're a way to get safely through the urge... a way to get through without making things worse... sometimes it's a matter of accepting that an urge is there & letting it be there yet not acting on it

[NobodyToYou]

Yes, I expect there is some anxiety, but I am not feeling it directly...can't really identify the feelings right now, just the physical things I can notice.
As far as things I have tried to get the schoolwork done when I can't concentrate...I have nothing that works. I have tried doing a little and then taking breaks. I have tried rewarding myself for getting sections of it done. I have tried reading out loud to myself. I have tried to just keep reading and get through, whether I can concentrate or not. But I am not learning the material, which makes all of those efforts useless.
As far as SI...I don't know what to say. I am not really ok with it. I hate what I am doing. I hate that I am this weak and unable to handle my life. I am ashamed of it.. but I don't seem to be able to stop. Especially right now. In the short term, part of me would be ok with SIing in order to study, but part of me isn't. I don't know which part to listen to, because both are "me." Ultimately, I want to stop. But I also looked at a list of things that help when you are wanting to stop (can't remember what it is called) and I don't think I could mark any of them as true for me. I am sorry, this probably doesn't make sense. I am a bit confused right now.
Coping with stress...the past couple days, I have been limiting what stress I am willing to think about/act on and trying to put the other things off. There are so many things happening that bring up strong feelings, and I just can't handle them all. I have been ignoring what I can, and trying to handle what I can't ignore...probably not a very good method, but I don't know what else to do. Besides SI, I often sleep, play computer, drink hot chocolate, or just sit and hold my rock (I use it for calming and grounding). But none of these have worked, and they usually take a lot of time, which I don't have right now.
I would agree that my "I am trapped" thoughts are inaccurate. I know there has to be a way out and that I am responsible for my behavior. But getting that idea to work in real life has been very, very difficult. I feel like a failure right now. If I use my usual coping methods (which I kinda am right now) I am not getting my work done and will not do as well on a very important test. But if I stop trying, I am failing too, because I really don't want to be stuck in SI, and I know the more I give in, the more "stuck" I am. It seems like I can't win.
As for what will help me feel less lonely...there isn't a lot I can do, but I am trying. I have been emailing some friends, but I am not getting much back. I am trying to post here on BUS (where I feel I can be a bit more open than IRL) but not getting much response here either. The people I might normally try to spend time with are also studying for this very evil test, so no body has time to spend with me, and even if they did, it doesn't always help. I don't know...
Do urges actually end? If coping skills are for getting through, it seems there would be a point when they would go away or get less intense. I have found (so far) that the longer I wait, the more intense the feeling of "need" even though I know it is not a need. I am sure this is not always true for me, but I can't think of any exceptions right now.
This post has been very negative...I am really sorry. I sound like I dont' want help, and I really really do. I just feel so stuck and nothing is working right now. I am sorry.

[plantt]

I have found (so far) that the longer I wait, the more intense the feeling of "need" even though I know it is not a need

my therapist calls that an extinction burst. & for a really corny analogy it's like taking a kid to a candy store. & every time you take the kid to the store & the kid screams you give them candy. then one day you decide they're not going to get candy so they scream louder & longer... if you hold on long enough they'll eventually stop... but it'll take awhile. if you give in & give them the candy then the next time you decide to not give them the candy they'll scream even more loudly & even longer. every time you give in reinforces the screaming.
same with si urges. our bodies get used to us giving in to them screaming. so when we try & stop they scream louder & longer... until we finally hold on long enough that they hush.

but I am not feeling it directly...can't really identify the feelings right now, just the physical things I can notice.

*nods* makes it tougher. often i can guess what i might be feeling based on the situation... but without the physical cues & without being able to recognize that feeling within myself it's more difficult to have that feeling seem real. even without feeling it directly though i think it's possible to act on the feeling... or act in ways to deal with the feeling.

But I also looked at a list of things that help when you are wanting to stop

the one with the 'i have 3 people i can call when i have an urge'? & such? imo it might be helpful... it's not necessary though. might mean it's more difficult for those of us who can't mark off anything on the list... but it's not hopeless.

but not getting much response here either

couple suggestions would be to vary the types of posts... or try pm'ing people. most people don't mind pm's. actually i have yet to find someone who does mind. & i've at times sent pm's to random people before.
what about just going somewhere public... where there are other people around.

Do urges actually end?

they do. for me... they can be really long. & separate urges can be close enough to seem like it's all one. & i can forget or not notice the ok times when urges aren't so intense... but yep. they end. they come back too... hopefully eventually they come back less intensely & less frequently & eventually not at all.

[NobodyToYou]

Thanks for the replies...they have been really helpful, even though this is really hard to face right now. I think I am going to try going to the park and studying there...it will at least be away from my tools and maybe I can get some studying to work.
I need to talk to my T, but it will be at least Monday...I don't know that he can help either, but at least it is somebody I can talk to.
I may come back and reply later when I am a little farther from the situation...I know I am not thinking clearly right now.
But thanks again.

[plantt]

the park might be a change of scenery anyway