When you're angry at yourself.

[Wild Sunlight]

I know there's a list of things to do when you're feeling upset and tempted to SI, but what about if that upset feeling starts to become angry as well? Often when I'm feeling really down I end up finding something to blame for my problems - which is almost always myself. Then I just get angry, and start shouting at myself inside; which is all these comments e.g. "Stupid bitch, you're just too lazy" popping up in my head which I just can't stop. And this kind of situation is quite frequent for me too.

What can I do to convince myself that I don't have to be angry at myself (not necessarily trying to convince myself it's not my fault though, because most of the time it really is)? I mean, is there anything I can do just to calm down and try to respect myself?

[Licentia Poetica]

I think respecting yourself isn't something that can happen in a day.. or a week or in any kind of time frame. It's something that takes time every day, something you have to believe for it to work. Maybe everyday before you have a shower or something try looking in the mirror and saying some positive words to yourself.

I used to say "I am beautiful I am loved and I am special" to myself about a hundred times a day. It became my coping resource, my obsession. And while it lasted and I felt like there was a point in doing it, it was a good thing.

You really start to believe it after a while. Just like you believe that you're worthless if you tell yourself that all the time.

As for feeling angry... have a look at some of the "151 things to do before you SI". Generally ones like punching a pillow, or anything physical can help reduce anger.

Also, try writing down the reasons why you feel angry and then looking at them later when you don't feel so worked up. That'll help you think about things logically when you get angry next time.

[fire.bird]

i really relate to this post, Wild Sunlight ...

i think thatway's right. it's a matter of practice, repetition ... of consciously recognizing and being aware of the language you use to talk to yourself, all the time, and actually *practicing* positive self-talk. i found it easier to do when i started thinking of it like that -- practice -- as opposed to thinking that i had to just get up one day and stop beating myself up. it just made it easier for me to handle one incident at a time, i guess -- to stop, each time i noticed myself using negative language internally, and think "ah, this is another time to practice positive self-talk. i should do that now." and then actively, consciously at that moment try to change the language i was using.

i had a routine, too, like thatway -- a good chunk of my negativity towards myself related to body image, so i figured if i could practice stopping that, the other areas might come easier. so i painted a study on this matisse nude that i really love, and put in it a quote from a san francisco performance artist i know ... "where's the revolution? my body is f***ing beautiful, and every time i look in the mirror and acknowledge that, i am contributing to the revolution." and then i put the painting right beside my mirror, so i had to look at it every morning before i left and every night before i went to sleep. and you know? it really helped a lot. i think that, more than anything, it helped because it reminded me that this wasn't just about me -- that women everywhere, for centuries, have been taught by the subtle voices of culture to blame themselves, dislike themselves, find fault with their bodies, strive for perfection and forever fall short of the mark. and it reminded me that just by learning to change the way i talked to myself, i had some small part in fighting that subtle cultural voice, just by contrast -- just by example.

there's one thing i noticed in your post, too:

What can I do to convince myself that I don't have to be angry at myself (not necessarily trying to convince myself it's not my fault though, because most of the time it really is)?

if you're like me, guilt and anger are pretty inextricably interlocked. in other words, if i think something's my fault, i will inevitably then feel both guilty about it and angry at myself. period. and i have yet to find a way to unlock those two.

so what i do instead is try to remember that fault and responsibility are not the same thing. if i make a mistake, it's my responsibility to deal with that mistake and its repercussion, fix whatever problems have resulted, etc. -- i feel that it's important to constantly strive to do things well, do them right, and when i don't, to own up to that and figure out what went wrong and how to do better next time. but i can do all those things and still avoid the guilt/anger cycle that occurs when i say "fault" to myself. fault has a lot of weight -- it's a heavily value-laden word, culturally and spiritually and emotionally and in every other way. it carries a lot of baggage. so i try to remember to tell myself that i don't need all that baggage. the baggage isn't helping anyone and isn't fixing anything. all i need is to notice and accept what i haven't done well and try to fix it -- which can actually be accomplished better if i just look at mistakes as my responsibility, rather than as my fault.

just food for thought. if the above makes sense to you, if you feel like you can connect with it -- then maybe that very word can be a starting point for you. every time you say "my fault" to yourself, stop and think "if i consider this my responsibility, instead, will that accomplish the same necessary goals in this situation? can i use that word instead, and be gentler with myself?"

good for you for noticing how you talk to yourself, and good for you for wanting to learn to be gentler.


~b