before :/

tasteofink · Post by **tasteofink** » Fri Apr 01, 2005 11:53 pm

hi guys, this is my first time posting in this forum and to be honest i'm a little nervous. as a little bit of background info i'm 16 and having been SIing since I was 12/13.. i've gone a year and a month without it, but with one slip. right now, things are actually going pretty well - i'm on spring break and i don't have the stresses of school on me now which is a relief.. but there are things still going on in my mind. i mean, if i take a look at things, they're going pretty well - no fights with friends, hangin out with them lots, me and the fam are geting along.. but there's still a situation that hangs over my head. i was "together" with a guy for about 11 months & to be honest he didn't treat me well at all.. well to make a long story short, we were supposed to actually put a title on things and he split - 2 days after him telling me he wanted to go out with me, i find out he has a new girlfriend. to be honest, i really miss him despite all the things he did to me. and other situations in respect to me "losing" someone like i did that guy are really starting to get to me. well, i was talking to my friend last night and pretty much crying to her (and i dont usually let myself cry) and she was saying that i had to fix how much pressure i put on relationships.. and all i could think of was HOW.. how do i fix it? i can't, and i don't have enough faith in myself to do it. now, i have nothing to do tonight and i'm just gonna end up sitting in my room and thinking.. urges have been surfacing for a while now & i guess i'm posting to vent or to get some suggestions on how to keep myself from SIing. there are a lot of people that i miss, and it's really getting to me.. and i need something to fix it.. and there isn't anything.. and i feel like SIing can take away those feelings - at least momentarily. i guess i need someone to snap me out of it and bring me back to reality and making me realize that it won't help anything.. idk.. thanks in advance for taking the time to read and respond, if you do =]

nirvana · Post by **nirvana** » Sat Apr 02, 2005 12:58 am

hello.

welcome to bus. do you feel like you need to stop putting so much pressure on relationships? i'm not sure i understand that... does it mean not take them so seriously? not force them to work? what can you do right now to distract yourself? it might help (when you're not triggered) to make a list of alternatives besides si'ing. there's a huge one in the coping forum i think. but find what works for you, and what things are possible in different situations. obviously, you're considering si, but you posted here instead of just doing it. that's very admirable, and i wish i could say i did that every time. you could also answer some of the questions in this forum, and figure out how exactly you're feeling, and how si'ing will make you feel. how long will the relief last? is it worth it?

i'm here if you'd like to talk.

love, tara.

tasteofink · Post by **tasteofink** » Sat Apr 02, 2005 1:13 am

thanks! =] the whole putting pressure on relationships thing is because I get really involved in my relationships, with whoever it may be. If it's a guy, I get my hopes up really high and then get let down and because I put so much pressure on it, it bothers me ten times more, ya know? it's pretty much because I have lost relationships with a few people that meant, and still mean A LOT to me, and it's I guess I rely a lot on my relationships with people to make me happy. and yeah, i'm considering SI, but i know it'll turn into a huge mess. I mean, yeah it will help momentarily, but when I tell the people I love, it causes more trouble than it's even worth. I know it won't solve everything, but it's such a release for me.. ya know? anyway, yeah I read the list in the coping forum, and I think I'm going to put on a movie or write.. just distract myself from thinking about things.. thank you for replying, and I'm always open to more feedback and advice.

nirvana · Post by **nirvana** » Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:00 am

i can definately understand what you said about relationships... they're very important, and i've felt that way many times. but remember regardless of whether or not you're in a romantic relationship, you are loved by your friends, and deserve to be loved by yourself and others. and if there's a problem in the relationship, see if it's something you can fix. if not, it's probably best it ends before it causes both of you a lot more pain. (and, you can ignore this, but i think that a guy who ditches you for another girl that quickly doesn't know what he wants or what he's giving up, so he's not worth your time anyway.) i'm glad you've decided to find something else to do.

good luck.

love, tara.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Sat Apr 02, 2005 4:30 am

you might try the list of questions posted at the top of this forum

you've gone for ages without si... what ways have you used to cope?

tasteofink · Post by **tasteofink** » Sat Apr 02, 2005 5:25 am

well.. for a while i wanted to turn myself "normal" so i talked to my friends about my problems for some of the time, and other times I bottled it up so because I felt when I talked about it and let it surface it made me upset. I experimented with a lot.. (only positive things, talking, writing, things of that sort).. for a while I forgot about it and didn't even think of it as an option, but then I don't know I guess something went back to it and ever since about November or so it's been becoming more and more prevalent. Now, I know that I have my friends and family's love and I have friends that understand SIing, and I have friends who understand me. I have a lot more faith in myself now, too. A few years ago, my self esteem was lower than you can imagine.. it's getting better, and the whole self-hate thing is definately deteriorating.. So pretty much, I leaned on people I knew I could trust and gave myself the credit that I had the strength to deal with things.. Also, I sorted out the problems that I needed to deal with and the ones that I didn't. I used to get so overwhelmed with my problems with friends and school and whatever else I had to deal with I felt it was too much to handle, which lead to me thinking everything was my fault. It was all kind of a vicious cycle that all turned back to that. Now I know that everything isn't my fault, but I still do a lot of blaming on myself. I realize that I can't control everything and everyone, but I can make things not seem so overwhelming anymore.

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Mon Apr 04, 2005 1:52 am

sounds like you've really changed things for the better in your life

that's great.
correct me if i'm off on this please

it sounds like... the immediate issue was finding out that he had a new g/f... & that the more long-term issue is working on relationship issues eg. how much pressure you put on a relationship...
i'm wondering if therapy would be an option for working on relationship issues.... maybe you'd find some ideas & helpful suggestions/perspectives.
11 months is quite a while. i think it's natural to miss someone & grieve over the end of a relationship.
what are things that you enjoy doing alone?

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