?What if I don't want to stop?

[LingeringShadow]

Sometimes I think I do, but in all honesty, I do not want to stop hurting myself. Self-injury is my life, I love my razor, and love is a strong word. Why would I want to give that up? I look forward to the night time when I can curl up in bed and wreak havoc on my body. How can I make myself want to stop? I feel like I should, but I'm not entirely sure why. Is it just because the people around me are telling it's bad? Who are they to decide? What makes SI that horrible?
I don't know anymore...I feel like this is a sign I'm getting worse, I'm getting more confused, but maybe I'm not in denial. Maybe my cutting isn't that big of a deal and I just let other people convince me it was.
I dunno what to do or think. How do I deal with these feelings when they make so much sense?

[VowsOfSadness]

I know what your going through in a way my razor is something that protects me and it's always there. It's almost an idol and SI is something (though done my 80% of my peers it would seem) is something I have all to myself, I almost feel if I took it away there wouldn't be anything left (*im recognizing that as a distorted thought*).

The worst part is you can't make yourself stop you can only realize that it is a bad coping skill in the long run and ways you may reduce SI.

[Tamrick]

How can I make myself want to stop? I feel like I should, but I'm not entirely sure why.

I think you need to figure out firstly why you are SIing and after that what the pros and cons of it are.
You have mentioned a few already:

the people around me are telling it's bad

It sounds like this frustrates you - who are they to tell you what to do?

a sign I'm getting worse

If it wasn't a problem then you wouldn't feel that it was getting worse.

look forward to

That means that you are getting something from it - and it sounds a bit like comfort. What else do you get from SI?

For me SI gave me control and got me some attention, it relieved my anger and frustration and helped me cope with feelings I didn't want to deal with. It also let me care for myself - what is your list?

On the negative side the cuts hurt at times, I had to wear hot clothes in hot weather, my friends weren't keen on being near a depressed person and I landed in hospital many times nearly causing me not to be able to finish my studies and get a job and grow up. The hospitalisation also caused me to lose a lot of control over what happened to me.

Again you need your own list. Think about it and don't leave anything out - sometimes you think of a negative but then you cancal it with a positive - don't do that, just write them ALL down. Then you can decide what is best for you.

Tamrick

[Agarwaen]

I don't want to give up SI either. Without it I'll be deprived of my most effective coping method, and I don't know what I'd do then. People do say it's bad, it's pretty stigmatized, but I can only imagine that my situation would be worse without SI. I guess I can't give you any advice, since I'm sort of going through the same thing, but you're not alone.

[crizybatch]

I know what you mean.

For me personally, I can think of reasons why SI is a problem. I think about cutting entirely too often--and not just when I'm upset, either. It interferes with my life. I don't like having to always make sure my arms are covered. I don't like that I can't deal with my issues without some kind of dependency on cutting.

Yeah, cutting is interfering with my life. But not enough to make me really want to stop. It's... too comforting, I guess.

I wish I had something more important to say, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

[joliebird]

I'm really not readyto give up SI-ing, either and I feel alot of guilt about it, b/c I know how much pain it causes the people around me (or so they tell me), but it's all I know.

"This is the only life I've ever known..." --"After the Glitter Fades", Stevie Nicks.
This makes total sense to me. SI and everything else I deal with is all I've ever known, and in some sick way being "not-sick" scares the hell out of me. I don't know how to do it...but I'm willing to learn. It's just taking a really fucking long time.....

--Mandy

[crizybatch]

SI and everything else I deal with is all I've ever known, and in some sick way being "not-sick" scares the hell out of me. I don't know how to do it...but I'm willing to learn. It's just taking a really fucking long time.....

--Mandy

So true.

[Aerin]

For me, I feel so numb and detached from everything else in my life and I don't feel like I fit in with anyone, at school, at church or at home, so although it may sound weird SI is something that makes me feel good because I belong to something at least... that's part of why I don't want to quit.. I know its a bad thing somehow but I don't really care.. I accept it as part of who I am... I cling to it.. it's weird I know but I do...

[bonita_05]

I kidnof know what you're going through. I really don't want to stop, i don't feel like i need or should have to stop, the only motivation i have is the fact that i'm putting my friends and family through hell... I so badly just want to cut and be done with it. to make myself feel better and to make the feelings go away.

hope this helped.
Love,
Ellen

[shadow of a smile]

when i told my parents about my SI a year ago i was ready to stop. i got into therapy and on drugs and really worked on stopping for good. it didn't work, but now it's a lot less frequents. lately tho i've realized that i've given up trying to be done for good, i just try to make the time frame between SI as long as i can. i think that for me, knowing that i still have the option and i won't be letting myself down too much if i slip helps me to conquer my urges better, if that makes any sense. it's my choice to not cut, not b/c i have given it up for good and will never allow myself to do it again, but b/c i have control over it and can decide for myself whether i want to or not. i'm not really sure how much this relates to you, but it's just something that i've been thinking about a lot lately and your post reminded me of it. sorry if it's a little disjointed.

[Violet218]

hey

i read and what you wrote really touched a nerve. i'm sorry i dont know how to advise you.

i have drastically reduced my SI [from everyday to see my signature] for my boyfriend. i dont want to stop

you are not alone - and i am no help and have no answers

i'm sorry

violetxxx

[_MessedUp_]

i know for a lot of people (myself included) SI is a coping mechanism, an escape if you will. Maybe you feel that if you stop you will struggle to cope? not sure if i'm making sense

[polmath]

i really can't speak for you.. but at least for me..

I haven't really told anyone yet, but when I do, I don't plan on asking for their approval of what I'm doing. I mean, while people are going to have their opinions of what you do, it's really unfair to judge something that one has no experience with. Everyone's wants to help and support you, but I don't know -- for me, if and when I decide to stop, it's going to have to be for me, because I'm ready. Not because someone else wants me to.

Too bad that while I say this in the abstract, it'll never play out like this IRL...

[fstltna]

Like Tamrick said, you should create a pros & cons list, one for not stopping and one for stopping. (This is one of the skills that DBT teaches you)
If you go down your list and you are currently getting more pros for not stopping then maybe you shouldn't worry about stopping at this time.
Some other issues to consider

• Scars, do you love them or hate them
  How do you feel when people notice your cuts
  etc.

There are a lot of people who are not yet realy trying to give it up but if you are bothered by your scars and try and keep them covered so people won't know you might want to think about stopping before you get too far gone...