here we go again... before.

[silenceBROKEN]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?

I feel like I have no other way to deal with my pain, no other outlet. Like there's no choice to self injure or not, I merely have to, or I won't be okay.

What has brought me to this point?

I don't know. Possibly loneliness. But other than that, today and the past few days have been fairly uneventful. My moods often flucuate though for no reason at all.. and they've certainly been doing this more often lately.

Have I been here before?

Many many times.

What did I do to deal with it?

Months ago; I cut, simple as that. Recently, I've been writing, listening to music, etc. when I get this urgy.

How did I feel then?

When I cut I felt great. High almost. Like nothing could stop me, I was invincible. I only wish I could feel that again. When I don't cut, I still feel crappy.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?

Watched a movie, read a little.

What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Sleep, spend time on the games forum watch another movie. But the fact is that i don't want to do any of those things. I just want to cut.

How do I feel right now?

I don't know. I'm not really sure. I guess a combination of anxious, excited, nervous, jittery, upset, tired, exhuasted, suicidal, f*cked up, etc.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Relieved. Calm. Like I am on top of the world. Amazing. Focused. Distracted. Powerful. Special.

How will I feel after hurting myself?

A combination of proud/happy and relief.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll be so happy for myself, so amazingly relieved, and then pissed off when I have to go to the hospital if my parents/ therpist find out (and because I'm being honest with this whole therapy deal, they will find out).

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

How does one avoid nothing? Nothing triggered me. I'm just f*cking pathetic. I can't avoid being that if I'm alive. Hmm.. I could kill myself. There we go.

Do I need to hurt myself?

No.. I don't. But f*ck this, I think I'm going to anyway.

[Tiarin]

i'm hearing that you're looking for:
— some kind of relief of tension, anxiety, etc.
— a kind of "high" that comes with si
(am i getting that right?)

can you think of any other ways to deal with feelings of anxiety or nervousness? a few random ideas:
— sit still and focus on your breathing
— listen to soothing music
— rant to someone about the stuff that's on your mind
— do something that you associate with comfort and calm (like curling up in a blanket)

When I cut I felt great. High almost. Like nothing could stop me, I was invincible.

could you say more about that? i'm wondering what it is about hurting yourself that produces feelings of being powerful or invincible. (the knowledge that you can hurt yourself? feeling strong for being able to do it? feeling like you're in control? something else altogether?)

that sounds tough to feel you don't have a choice. but i'm wondering if there's some part of you that doesn't think it's such a great idea to do this, just because you did take the time to answer the questions (which is great). maybe that's a voice that's worth listening to. i know that at times it can be brutally hard, but i really do think you have a choice, that you can find other ways to get through this kind of stuff.

take care.

dragonfly

[Wandering]

I'll be so happy for myself, so amazingly relieved, and then pissed off when I have to go to the hospital if my parents/ therpist find out (and because I'm being honest with this whole therapy deal, they will find out).

Is talking to them about how you're feeling now an option? Could they possibly help you in any way? Or have you already tried that whole route? Just, if they're gonna find out if you do cut, maybe telling them before you do so, so they can try to help

You may have already tried that, but its just an idea

Take care, Andi

[silenceBROKEN]

thank you both. i got through it without self injury, somehow.

[pretty]

i got through it without self injury, somehow.

Go you.

If you can work out how you got through, it could help next time you're in that place. If you can't though, or don't want to think about it all, that's fine. I'm just glad you got through