before

[zigleeta]

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It wont change for the better anyway. i'll feel horrible, i'll have thrown away 6mths of hard work, my friends will be worried and disappointed. and ill just be heading down that same horrible road that i want so badly to leave behind.

But this horribe feeling inside me will go away for a little while, maybe ill be able to concentrate and get some work done. i wont feel like im going to explode.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will bring relief from this horrible anxiety, agitation whatever you want to call it. it will also bring lots of trouble.
It will take away my 6mths of si free time which is a big thing in keeping me si free. if i si again it will be hard to stop.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to feel normal. i want all this shit to go away. and yes, i know hurting myself is only taking me further from that.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

at least an hour maybe, at best till tomorrow. but then ill feel worse than i do now, and then ill probably si again, and then ill be on that downhill spiral

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

right now i could read the book i bought today. i could play a game or watch some tv. it might help me to feel better, to distract me. it might last long enough for me to be able to calm down and then go to bed - in the hopes that ill feel better tomorrow. then ill start all over again - trying to survive this.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'll feel horrible, guilty, probably hate myself. If i watch tv or something ill feel better tomorrow for having go through today.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i guess the best thing for me to do is to go watch tv and try to take my mind of everything. i guess im writing this for a reason - i want to fight this and get better.

I guess im off to find out whats on tellie then,
Em

[pretty]

Hey

It sounds like you have it pretty clear in your own mind that you don't want to si. I know that doesn't make the urges any easier to get through, but it can give you something to hold onto. Sometimes all you can do is sit out the urge and wait for it to go away on it's own.

TV is a great distraction, I hope you found something worth watching And I hope you feel better really soon.