a little lost ... *SI*

[tasteofink]

hey guys,
this is my first post.. i hope i'm putting this in the right spot.. but i'm a little lost as i put in my subject.. um, let's see.. i started in 7th grade.. then went for 11 months without it up until this past january. i thought i was cured because afterwards i didn't feel like i accomplished anything although it was "good" for just that time being & the reprecussions about how my friends felt was too much for me to take.. i was really happy because i thought i wouldn't have to think about it anymore, but i was wrong.. lately things have been overwhelming & ive been thinking about it a lot.. i mean i went 11 months without it, and then i thought i was "cured", but i still think about it and want to? i guess i was just wondering if anyone has ever felt the same.. i'm open to any advice or just comments. thanks for listenin

[plantt]

hi welcome to the board
it seems natural for urges & thoughts to be a lot slower to go away than actions... what have you put into your life to replace si? as ways to cope?
11 months is great

[tasteofink]

Well, I've been a lot more open to talking about things.. not so much my urges- that's obviously stuff I'd rather keep to myself.. but i mean if i have a problem, i don't feel like no one cares anymore.. I know I have friends and family that care enough to listen.. But I mean the "solution" I used for so long i don't/can't use anymore.. the urge is there.. and it didn't help that last night Intervention was on and it was about this girl who cut and they showed her cutting.. what they show on TV these days..? anyways, yeah so pretty much just talking.. but as i said, i don't really know how to deal with the current urges because on one side of my mind i know that the reprecussions of how i feel aren't worth it, but on the other is the knowing that it makes things go away for a bit.. ya know? and thanks a bunch <3

[plantt]

*nods* is hard when you *know* not si'ing is best & what you want long-term... yet you also know how well it'd work in the moment. can be hard to think it through & stick with it.
have you gone through therapy or looked up ways to cope?

[silenceBROKEN]

urges are very hard... and i'm sorry that you're still dealing with them after 11 months. it's normal to miss self injury though.. i know i sure do... and honestly, i think a part of me always will. we're here for you. take care.

[tasteofink]

plantt: i refuse therapy.. my parents found out in 7th grade.. i'm in 10th now.. and they wanted me to go but i threatened to never speak to them again if they made me go.. something about it scares me, and i'd rather deal with it on my own and with my friends than some random stranger.. as much as it'd probably help, i don't want my parents to know i still do it.. they think i haven't since 7th grade and it was "just a phase".. they're clueless, but i can't really blame them

silenceBROKEN: thanks for relating.. i just didn't understand why if i thought i was cured when the first solution i think to go to is SI.. it's kinda discouraging.. and great job.. 17 weeks, stay strong! and the comment "and honestly, i think a part of me always will" i completely understand that.. be proud of yourself for going this long though!

[plantt]

people go to therapy for far more reasons than just si
the good thing about refusing... is that often you can change your mind & choose to do whatever you refused

there are workbook-type books for dealing with si that might be worth checking out through your library or something.

also there are lists on this forum of things to do other than si.

one thought too... is to post maybe on life after or the before & after forum... about your urges. the before & after forum has lists of questions to help you understand the urge more. might be worth checking out sometimes it can help to get other peoples perspectives on things

[tasteofink]

thank you so much.. i was really scared to start this, but it's awesome to have people that relate. you guys are great

[mallie]

Hi.

Just wanted to echo Plantt's welcome I hope you find the support and encouragement you need here.

It makes sense that the urges can still be there, even if you're not actively self injuring. Even if you know you don't "have" to follow your urges, there is still the memory that in the past it has helped in the short term, and it can be hard to push that aside when things are feeling really bad.

As Plantt suggested, therapy could be worthwhile, and can be for many reasons, not just SI. All your parents would need to know, is that you're struggling a little, or feeling down. It is worth thinking about, even if you're not willing right now, it could be an option that might be useful later.

Identifying what the problems you're experiencing now are would be the best way to find a way through. Unfortunately, thats easier said than done. What I mean, is looking at what needs aren't getting met, that is making you feel that you could use SI to cope. How can you get your needs met more effectively ?

Keep posting. Check out the different boards. There are a lot of interesting posts out there already, and a wealth of experiences in the members here. There should be some great ideas to help you.

- Mallie.

[tasteofink]

Mallie - thanks a bunch.. that's some of the insight i was hopeful to find here.. therapy is completely out of the question for me right now, although it may help me.. i really just want to try and fight this on my own.. well, not completely alone, with help from friends and family.. ive been doing really well, as i said - went 11 months but had a recent slip.. you sound like you know a lot, and i've definately taken your suggestions into a lot of thought.. tonight i'm actually going to sit and write in my journal.. identify what i'm trying to cope with.. not why i want to SI.. i know why i want to SI, but it would be more beneficial to me to identify what i'm SIing to make "better".. i hope that makes sense? anyways, thanks a lot for your help. i hope we can keep in touch

[mallie]

Good luck with the journalling