before... feedback appreciated!

[silenceBROKEN]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Terrible thery session earlier today where I basically told my therapist that I'm done working, adn that I don't care anymore. Called once again a whore. Watched a friend act like a moron and acidentially cut his wrist, but blood was everywhere and it triggered me so. Was told to shut up by somebody I look up to. Was called rude by a friend. Little stuff that's been building up... and my racing thoughts aren't stopping.. I feel so manic, but supposedly I don't hvaebipolar, so maybe I'm just insane. How fucking comforting.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? I cut, or I fled to BUs for suppot, but tonight BUS just isn't enough, my thoughts aren't stopping and self injury is all that will stop it. i feel desperate and pathetic.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I've come on BUs, and I've tried to sleep it off, but nothing is working. I could twirl baton a little or read my book for homework..but I doubt I'll be able to pay attention.


How do I feel right now? Anxious, nervous, tense, stressed, upset, worked up, manic, fucked up.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Relaxed, calm, relieved, peaceful.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? Guilty but calm/relaxed. Tomorrow I'll feel guilty but glad that I did it.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I guess. I don't know. I could not be so fucking dumb and let this shit bother me.


Do I need to hurt myself? No, I don't need to, but I feel the want to terribly.

[Tiarin]

I could not be so fucking dumb and let this shit bother me.

i relate to that sentiment a lot. i fall into this spiral where i get bothered by something, and then i make some kind of value judgment about my reaction (e.g. tell myself how silly it is to be hurting.) so instead of staying with the original emotion, the feeling of upsetness, and dealing with it, i avoid it by slipping into self-critical mode. the problem, of course, is that the feeling doesn't go away as a result of me telling it that it has no right to exist.

anyway, i heard a lot of stuff in your post that sounded triggering and difficult. and a lot of judgments about yourself ("insane," "pathetic," "dumb.") maybe one thing you could think about is working on backing off from the harsh self-critique, and staying with the "i'm hurt" or "i'm angry" or "i'm scared." and perhaps think about what you might say to a friend who was feeling that way.

so there's a bit of feedback. for what it's worth. but truly, i hope you're feeling better.

dragonfly

[silenceBROKEN]

I am feeling slighty better and I did get through my mod without cutting, I just scratched instead, which although upsetting, it still an acomplishment in my eyes. Thank you for replying.