Failed Again...

[neassa]

Can't believe i've failed so quickly...

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes

what had happened just before?
I'd had such a stressful day at school. Everyone just kept getting at me. Then i got home and my mam had a go at me and i just snapped. i couldn't handle it.


what were you thinking and feeling?
I was stressed out. i was upset and angry because everything seems to be going wrong for me at home and at school. i used to be so in control of my life. i dunno what's happened to me. i've changed and i don't like the person i've become. i just can't handle anything at the moment.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
My mam shouting at me. i'd had people going at me all day and i just couldn't handle it.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
Things have been going downhill for me for a while. my grades are slipping and i just can't seem to concentrate at all. my self-esteem seems to be getting lower by the day and people never stop getting at me. if i hadn't had a row with my mam i probably would'nt have SI'd again.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
i haven't been sleeping at all. at night i just cry for hours on end. that could have been one of the things that made me snap again. i could try get some of the weight off my shoulders by telling someone how i'm feeling which would probably help me to sleep.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried to read but the words were blurry because i was crying so much.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could've played guitar like i said i would, or gone on bus.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i won't scream and cry. i'll try stay calm and if i see my guitar i'll play.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's far from resolved but i'm gonna try stop worrying about the little things.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
definitely. and probably soon with the way things are going right now. i'll recognize it because i haven't not felt this way for a long time.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I'll play guitar
i'll text my friend
i'll come on bus

[neassa]

About three hours after posting that last message, i SI'd again. i'm weak and i'm a failure.

[Tiarin]

you know, it sounds like you're already in enough pain, without adding to it by mentally beating yourself up. at least my experience is that when i call myself a "failure," it doesn't encourage me to be stronger in the future; it just brings me down further and makes me more vulnerable to future slips. you're a hurting human being who's struggling to cope, and that's okay. really. a question that's maybe worth thinking about is, why are you so hard on yourself? what would happen if you eased up a little? (i'm not trying to say, just stop doing it, because i know it's not that simple. but when i'm being really harsh with myself, sometimes i think it's been helpful to honestly ask myself why i'm doing it.)

i hear that you're stressed out, that you're feeling pressured by the people in your life, that you're having a hard time concentrating, that you're not sleeping. i can definitely understand how all of it could put you in a fragile place. is there anywhere in your life that you're getting support? that's a lot to be dealing with on your own.

take care.

dragonfly